Jeff Dunham: Arguing With Myself Page #6

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Terry:
Terry.

Peanut:
Terry! What do you do for a living, terry?

Terry:
I'm a business analyst

Peanut:
A business analyst Fascinating How the hell does that work? Go to a business and go: "You are in business"

So where were we before this?

Jeff:
Before this, we were in D.C.

Peanut:
Ah yes, Washington D.C. Doing a show in a theater. A lovely theater. About 5 minutes in the show,

i happen to look down. Back where you're sitting dude, there was a guy. Sitting right there where you are, but he was facing that way. And everytime i said something,

the guy went:

And i go:
"hey buddy, what are you doing?"

And the guy goes:

It was a signer. A sig-ner. Think about this for a second... they brought a bunch of deaf people to see a ventriloquist! What?! What are you going do next? Go take on all the blind folks to see David Copperfield.

"The elephant disappeared" "It just ******* disappeared" Oh my god, he's juggling now! You should see...oh, sorry! What the hell were they thinking? And as the show went on, this guy started to pisss me off. I've never actually seen myself talk before: So now i thought: ok i'm gonna get even with this guy . and suddenly in the middle of the show, i went: "He, stopsign, thank you, turn around, doing doing, horseshoe, turtle, ughadigadigadiga." And this poor bastard's just signing away All the deaf folks are like: "What the hell is going on?" "Our guy sucks" And then the really screwed thing...

the guy went:

Off course, now he's just sitting there

All deaf folks are like:

"Come on!

What are we missing?!"

Jeff:
Sad part is... this is all completely true.

Peanut:
We're going to hell, aren't we!? Oh, here we are!

Oh check it out! Look, look, look, look

Jeff:
Are you ready?

Jose:
Si señor

Peanut:
There's something the new folks don't know. Tell them what you are...

Jose:
I am the jalapeño on the stick

Peanut:
That our jalapeño...on a stick

Jose:
Sí.

Jeff:
Tell them your name

Jose:
My name José.

Peanut:
José what?

Jose:
José jalapeño. On a stick

Peanut:
And your Mexican?

Jose:
No señor. Mexicans are from Mexico. I am cuban. I'm from Florida

Jeff:
I understand you guys had a good day today?

Peanut:
Yes, we had a great day

Jose:
No we did not

Peanut:
Yes

Jose:
No.

Peanut:
Yes.

Jose:
No, we did not have a good day

Peanut:
Yes, we had... A great friggin day! What?!

Jeff:
Did you have a good day?

Peanut:
Yeah

Jose:
No.

Peanut:
Shut up.

Jeff:
A good day?

Peanut:
Yes

Jose:
No.

Peanut:
Shut up.

Jeff:
You're supposed to have taking him to the spa

Peanut:
I took him to the spa

Jose:
He put me in the vegetable steamer

Peanut:
It's the same thing!

Jeff:
It's not the same thing!

Peanut:
It is too. It gets hot and it gets steamy and then it goes:

Jose:
Purple bastard!

Peanut:
Mexican condiment

Jeff:
A condiment?

Jose:
I do not use them

Peanut:
You don't?

Jose:
And neither did your mother

"Oh, that is funny **** right there! That is funny ****!"

Peanut:
Wow! That was really good! You gotta work on it a little though

Jeff:
Why?

Peanut:
Cos from here it sounded like it came out of my ass

Jose:
Now i have somewhere to put my stick

Peanut:
Oh yeah?! Well your mother is a corndog!

Jose:
On a stick!

Jeff:
Look José, are you happy?

Jose:
Sí, señor. I am happy

Peanut:
What the hell is "happy"?

Jeff:
Are you always happy?

Jose:
I'm not happy on halloween

Peanut:
What the hell is wrong with halloween?

Jose:
There are no costumes on a stick

Peanut:
He could be a fudgesicle

Jeff:
Did anything else happen today?

Peanut:
No!

Jose:
Si

Peanut:
Damn!

Jeff:
What else happened?

Peanut:
We were getting out of the car today

Jose:
He slam my stick in the door. And now i have a sore stick

Jeff:
Peanut did you apologize?

Peanut:
No.

Jeff:
Why not?

Peanut:
Cos i couldn't breathe!

Jeff:
Why couldn't you breathe?

Jose:
Because he was laughing too hard

Peanut:
Man, it was funny! He looked like a hood ornament from Taco Bell!

Jeff:
I think you just have to apologize.

Peanut:
Alright, alright, alright José, i'm sorry

Jose:
It's ok. I hope you die

Jeff:
Look, you're just gonna have to be nicer to him

Peanut:
Como estas usted?

Jose:
Muy bien

Peanut:
Quieres algo de beber

Jose:
Pues si, bueno

Jeff:
What are you doing?

Peanut:
I'm speaking to José in his native tongue

Jeff:
Well, don't do that

Peanut:
Why not?

Jeff:
Well it makes me feel... left out...

Peanut:
Huh?!

Jeff:
Well i don't speak Spanish

Peanut:
Picture if you will...

Jeff:
Look josé, you're an unusual kinda guy, what makes you happiest in life?

Jose:
My BMW.

Jeff:
He has a BMW.

Peanut:
Yeah, big Mexican woman.

Jose:
On a stick!

Jeff:
José, would you feel better in the box?

Jose:
It's most nicer in the box

Peanut:
Whoa dude! I thought you were gonna drop him... That would have been funny as hell...

Jose:
Do not drop me señor

Jeff:
I won't drop you, José

Jose:
I would then be José jalapeño... on the floor

Peanut:
Do a little tapdance and we got salsa!

Jeff:
That's terrible!

- Not the right kind of chips it's not.

Jeff:
Stop it! I'm sorry José.

Jose:
It's ok. I kick his asss later

Peanut:
I'll turn your ass into guacamole.

Jeff:
Stop it!

Peanut:
I'll stir you with your own stick!

Jeff:
Stop it!

Peanut:
This is the way we stir the guac... stir the guac...stir the guac... Olé!

Jeff:
I'm sorry José.

Jose:
It's ok. Don't close the door

Peanut:
Why not?

Jose:
The cockroaches

Peanut:
You have cockroaches in there?

Jose:
One big one On a stick! Señor!

Jeff:
What?

Jose:
I need to come back out

Jeff:
I have to go on with the show José. You stay right there.

Jose:
Señor!

Jeff:
What?

Jose:
I need to come back oouut!

Peanut:
You can't come back oouut!

Jose:
I wish to see the señoritas

Jeff:
What?

Jose:
I want to see the girls

Peanut:
What girls?

Jose:
Any girls

Jeff:
What makes you think a girl would want to see you?

Jose:
José has the stick

Peanut:
Its getting kind of racey out here, isn't it?

Jeff:
José, you just stay right there

Jose:
I'm going to serenade the señoritas

Jeff:
No you can't sing

Jose:
I'm going to sing

Jeff:
You can't sing

Jose:
I am José jalapeño. You love jalapeños. You love me, you do. You love jalapeños i give my stick to jew.

Jeff:
Thank you José.

Jose:
(Still Singing) It's a good trick señor.

Jeff:
Say goodnight José

Peanut:
Goodnight José!

Jeff:
And that's José jalapeño on a stick

Peanut:
That's José jalapeño on a stick.

Jeff:
What are you doing?

Peanut:
I'm speaking Japanese.

Jeff:
You don't know Japanese!

Peanut:
Yeah i do. Toyota. Godzilla.

Jeff:
That's not right

Peanut:
You're right. It'll be: Godzilla!

Jeff:
Stop it! What is wrong with you?!

Peanut:
Too much Starbucks. Coffee, coffee, coffee!

Jeff:
You didn't have coffee before the show

Peanut:
Ok, i admit... it was crack

Jeff:
No. You didn't do crack.

Peanut:
Well then you did

Jeff:
No.

Peanut:
Are you sure? Come on it feels like one of us did. Did you do crack before the show?

Jeff:
No.

Peanut:
During the show?

Jeff:
No.

Peanut:
After the show?

Jeff:
No.

Peanut:
When?

Jeff:
Never!

Peanut:
What?!

Jeff:
I've never done crack.

Peanut:
Are you sure?

Jeff:
Yes

Peanut:
Are you lying?

Jeff:
No.

Peanut:
See how angry you are?

Jeff:
Yeah

Peanut:
It's the crack!

Jeff:
There isn't any crack!

Peanut:
Oh my god, he sold it all!

Jeff:
Will you please explain to everyone, i don't abuse drugs

Peanut:
Ok. Come on, you gotta at least smoke weed?

Jeff:
No. I don't smoke pot.

Peanut:
Ever?

Jeff:
No

Peanut:
Never smoked pot? Never done drugs?

Jeff:
No.

Peanut:
Then how the hell did you come up with me?! You're a sick man!

Jeff:
Will you just tell them!

Peanut:
Ok! Jeff does not abuse drugs

Jeff:
Thank you

Peanut:
He's an alcoholic. That would be funny as hell,

a drunk ventriloquist "Look, i can talk without moving my lips!" You should get drunk and go to a strip joint.

Jeff:
Why?

Peanut:
You would be throwing your voice in places it should neeever come from. Some girl comes dancing up to the table and everybody hears: "Let me out! It's dark in here! No coins please!"

Jeff:
Oh stop it!

Peanut:
You don't think that's funny?

Jeff:
No.

Peanut:
You're gay.

Jeff:
No.

Peanut:
Gay, gay, gay! You are gay!

Jeff:
I have a wife and 3 kids!

Peanut:
Good cover. You know what the gay folks

need that they don't have? A superhero.

Jeff:
A gay superhero?

Gayman! "Hi!" "Here i come to save the day!" "And i look fabulous!" Oh and when he flies, his butt whistles... "Look it's gayman!" "Don't turn your back on him!"

Jeff:
Oh stop it!

Peanut:
Unless you have the lotion...

Jeff:
You guys, you've been a great audience! Thanks so much for coming tonight!

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