Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos

JEFF DUNHAM:
I can't believe the show starts in half an hour and Achmed's late.

Walter:
Maybe he drowned trying to visit Bin Laden's grave. (laughing)

JEFF DUNHAM:
Security.

Bubba j:
That's my name. Don't wear it out.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Bubba J?

Bubba J:
Yeah. Well, gotta go. Beer break.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Wait. Achmed's late. Keep an eye out for him.

Bubba J:
Which eye?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Where could he be?

Walter:
He went from dead terrorist to Hollywood diva.

I'm telling you, the fame went to his skull.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Achmed? No way.

(engine revving)

Achmed:
(evil laughter) (cackling) Huh? (growls)

(bleating)

Achmed:
Ah.

(engine revving)

Achmed:
(evil laughter)

Bubba J:
Achmed's here. I'll go park his car since there's no law against drunk parking.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Thanks, Bubba J. Good job.

Bubba J:
(loud belch) (belching continues) Whoa. ls that a hybrid?

Achmed:
It's the AchmedMobile, you idiot. Just be careful parking it or I keel you.

Bubba J:
Didn't hurt.

Achmed:
And whatever you do, don't touch the red button.

Bubba J:
Got it. Touch the red button.

Achmed:
Yes.

(alarm blaring)

Achmed:
No!

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Jeff Dunham!

(cheering and applause)

JEFF DUNHAM:
Thank you. Thank you so much.

(cheering continues)

Thank you very much. Thank you very, very much.

(cheering continues)

Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, it's

absolutely great to be here in lovely Richmond, Virginia.

(cheering)

And, you know, we- I've been doing this show all over the country, just having a blast here, there and everywhere.

The fans are great. But we've also been taking my show around the world. We've been doing shows in South Africa, Australia, three tours of Europe and the U.K.

Now they're talking about taking me to China.

Wha-What?

(laughter)

How am I going to do my show in China? All I know is, if I do my show in China, there's a big chunk of my act I'm going to have to leave out.

(laughter)

You'll recognize it when I do it here this evening.

(laughter)

But it is interesting going to some of these foreign countries and doing press interviews, because some of the reporters have done their homework and care,

others just don't. For example, I was in London

talking to a guy and he was like,

(British accent): "All right, so ventriloquism- have you eliminated every other possibility of employment?"

And I have to go, "No, this is what I've done my entire life." I've never wanted to do anything else. I started very young. I was eight years old, I was in the third grade,

Christmas, 1970. Got my first dummy. There's Mom and Dad and me under the tree right there.

(Photo)

You can see how proud my father is.

(laughter)

But for years I'd look at that picture and I'd think, why does he have that expression on his face? And then if finally hit me, duh, look where the dummy's hand is. So...

(laughter)

Yeah, that's creepy. So I started doing shows very early.

All the way through elementary school, junior high,

high school, college. And this is what I wanted to do.

This was the future I saw. I saw it. There were a few people that didn't see it. For example, girlfriends.

They'd realize I was sincere about wanting to talk

to dummies the rest of my life, and they would dump me

immediately. I couldn't see what they saw until a few months ago. I was sitting down with my three daughters,

and we were looking at the yearbooks

from my junior high and high school years. My daughters were horrified. Why? Let me explain. I started getting paid for doing my shows in the seventh grade.

And I knew that if I was going to be a professional ventriloquist, I needed a professional photo. Now my parents were supportive, but they weren't going

to shell out the cash for that. So I thought, how am I going to get a professional picture of me and a dummy taken? And then it finally hit me, school picture day.

(laughter)

(applause)

(laughter and applause builds)

But I thought this was genius. All I had to do was show up at school with the dummy in my suitcase, stand in line and when it was my turn, I'd sit down, put the dummy on my knee, smile, click, professional photo.

And that's what I did, every year from the seventh

grade through the 12th grade. The only trouble was,

they'd only take one photo, and that's what ended up

in every yearbook. And that's why my daughters

were horrified. It was boy, girl, girl, boy, boy with doll, girl...

(laughter)

Don't believe me? There's seventh grade right there. There it is.

(Photo)

(cheering and applause)

I'm the one on the right. Look at that. That is Justin Bieber hair, damn it.

(cheering)

So ninth grade came along and I decided to do the same thing. This was the bicentennial year in our country 1976.

I was a patriotic lad, but I didn't want to dress like Uncle Sam. No, apparently I wanted to dress like a Fourth of July picnic table cover.

(laughter)

(Photo)

(applause and cheering)

You know, the funniest thing to me about that photo is the fact that I have braces. Why is that funny? Well, the rest of my life i'm going to be talking with my mouth shut, so what's the point?

(laughter)

I know most of you look at these photos and think

this is the saddest human being we've ever met.

Did he have any friends? Yes, I did. Here we are sitting

in my bedroom one day.

(Photo)

So now I had about 15 minutes in my show. I knew I wanted to add something else-- some variety. I thought, music? Yes. Something cool. Rock and roll guitar? No, something cooler.

I'll play the trombone.

(laughter)

I'm- I'm going to let this photo soak in just for a minute.

(applause)

There is so much wrong here, ladies and gentlemen.

Let's start with the least obvious, and that's my dummy

up in the corner listening to me play the trombone, but...

Now let's talk about fashion, shall we?

(laughter)

How did my mother even let me out of the house?

And this wasn't some accident on a Saturday morning

where I accidentally threw on the wrong clothes.

This was an outfit I wore to school regularly.

I don't know why I didn't get beat up on a regular basis.

I must have gone to the store and said,

"Do you have any pants that don't even go with themselves?"

(laughter)

This next photo, you know, my parents were supportive,

but every once in a while in a child's life the parents must step in and say enough is enough. Apparently my parents did not do this, as is evidenced by this next photo. And by the way, there is-- none of these photos

have been photoshopped. Everything is legit. Everything's real. I promise you. So, that's how sad it is.

But this next photograph. I don't remember

how it happened. All I know is that we went to

the professional portrait studio and this was the family portrait that hung in our living room this big, for years.

(laughter)

(Photo)

(cheering and applause)

(whistling, cheering, applause)

You know maybe... (laughing) And the weird part is my parents had family and friends over for parties a lot.

And this was hanging right there in plain view. No one ever said anything. They must have thought, "Well, the food's good. Let's go to the mentally ill people's house."

All right, so that's- that's high school. High school, and time to pick up chicks.

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