Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos Page #2

(laughter)

(Photo)

(wolf whistle)

It was the late '70s. Disco was king. I had my silk shirt, my dummy and my porn mustache. Now this- this next photo I found in a box just recently. You know, and some photos just go without explanation. I don't remember what this was. I don't remember what was going on.

I don't know... I don't know.

(prolonged laughter)

(Photo)

(audience whistling)

Let's examine this, shall we? I'm standing

in my parents' front yard. On the hood of this vehicle is the largest stuffed animal known to man. I don't know how I got it home, I don't know why it was there,

I don't know what the hell it is. Also on the hood of the vehicle is R2-D2.

(laughter)

My dummy is dressed up like a bad Luke Skywalker knockoff... and I'm wearing a frickin Hawaiian shirt.

It's like Tom Selleck jumped out of the closet and went,

"Guess what!"

And now it's time to move on to college and the intellectual years.

(Photo)

I don't even, I don't even know why. You know, the photographer should have just fallen over laughing.

I don't... I looked like Sherlock Holmes with a dummy.

I don't know what that is. So I graduated from college.

I was living in central Texas, and I was still doing my shows, but I knew I was not yet ready to move out to Los Angeles to seek fame and fortune, so I kept doing shows,

as many as I could. But I also had an unusual hobby.

I became a licensed helicopter pilot. But I built and was flying my own full-size, real two-seat helicopter. Now, you would think that someone who was smart enough to build and fly their own helicopter could maybe pick out

a decent pair of shorts.

(Photo)

(laughter)

Thank you. (laughs) All I know is, thank God,

the corn was high enough that nobody on the freeway

could see me. That's all I can say. My daughters have been horrified by these pictures. They decided to help me out. They are Kenna, Ashlyn and Bree. They are 13, 15 and 19 years of age. They're the light of my life.

They decided to help me out with my clothes.

But they decided to dress both me and Peanut,

and here's what they chose.

(Photo)

(laughter)

(cheering and whistling)

Now, as you can tell by these photos, uh, the dummies

have been with me for a very long time. You can also tell I had a very poor fashion sense. I will take most of the blame for that. There is, however, one other person that needs to take some of that blame, and that person is my mother. And I'll prove to you that this is her fault, because she did this Christmas what she does every Christmas and has for decades. My parents are in their 80s now, and every year what my mother does is, she goes to a very nice department store, and she picks out a Christmas present for me and my father. She picks out the nicest shirt that she can find. And she buys two.

Here's what she chose this past year.

(Photo)

(laughter)

You know, I love my parents very much, and they have been married for 56 years now.

(audience cheering)

And they are a perfect example of how a marriage can work. On the other hand, I've recently gone through something that I never thought I'd go through, never considered it, never even thought it a possibility.

I'm recently divorced. I'm a single father now,

but I always try and look for the silver lining

in the dark clouds, and one of the silver linings

about getting divorced is that I got to pick out my own house because someone else has the other house now.

As for my act, there's an old guy, who long before I got married, warned me of the institution. And now I guess he can say, "l told you so." Ladies and gentlemen,

please help me welcome my old friend Walter.

(audience cheering)

Walter:
Holy crap, will you shut the hell up?!

(Jeff chuckles)

Walter:
You, too.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Are you all right?

Walter:
No!

JEFF DUNHAM:
What's wrong?

Walter:
I'm pissed.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Why?

Walter:
I have no idea.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Walter , have you ever thought about being happy?

Walter:
Yeah.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What happened?

Walter:
It pissed me off.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What would happen if you were happy?

Walter:
Your show would suck.

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
You know, Walter, just once I think you should try being happy.

Walter:
You're an idiot.

(chuckles)

Walter:
What the hell is wrong with you?

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Walter:
I call you an idiot, and you smile like I gave you cake.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Do you want to be in a good mood?

Walter:
Not if I'd look like a moron like you, no, thank you. I've seen you walk by perfect strangers and go, "Oh, hello. How are you? Hoo-hoo-hoo!"

JEFF DUNHAM:
So?

Walter:
That makes mothers hide their children from you.

JEFF DUNHAM:
You don't think I should be nice to strangers?

Walter:
You know, even dogs sniff a**holes first.

(howling with laughter)

Walter:
Maybe you should try that.

JEFF DUNHAM:
I don't think so.

Walter:
Actually, there are those little idiot dogs, who when they see anyone, they jump all around and then pee on themselves. You ever felt like doing that?

JEFF DUNHAM:
That's not gonna happen.

Walter:
Well, you might not jump all around,

but when you get my age, you'll piss on yourself.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Well, I'm just happy to be here tonight.

Walter:
Where the hell are we?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Richmond, Virginia.

Walter:
Oh, yeah, yeah.

(audience cheering wildly)

(prolonged applause and cheering)

Walter:
Uh, just, uh, one question: Why are we here?

JEFF DUNHAM:
It's a great part of the country.

Walter:
Not in the winter. Holy crap. I don't know.

I hate being cold. I even got cold in Vegas last week.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Oh, Vegas, yeah. You took your wife there.

Walter:
Oh, yeah.

JEFF DUNHAM:
You know, Vegas has become a great vacation spot for families.

Walter:
Oh, yeah, sure, yeah. That makes sense. Take the family to Vegas. Yeah. Cause kids love whores.

(laughter)

Walter:
Look, Mommy, there's a place with poles

like where you used to work."

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
So, Walter, you been doing anything fun

since we got here?

Walter:
Uh, yeah. What did I do today? I did something fun.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Walter:
I signed up Achmed to be an organ donor. Oh, that's funny as hell right there. I'm getting sick of that guy. I think all this fame is going to his head.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Walter:
He's been doing all the typical Hollywood stuff.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Like what?

Walter:
He's been dating a goat half his age. Oh, yeah, an actual goat. He even got her fake teats. Oh, yeah, all six of 'em.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Walter, a goat only has two.

(chuckles)

Walter:
How sick is it that you actually know that?

What, are you so lonely now, you're checking out

barnyard animals? You know, they're called "petting zoos," not "heavy petting zoos." Come on. What's her name? (bleating): Ma-a-argaret.

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