Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos Page #3

JEFF DUNHAM:
Will you...?!

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
Can we change the subject?

Walter:
Sur-u r-u re. I'll change the subject, all right.

I heard you talking about something you hadn't really discussed onstage yet.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Right.

Walter:
Okay. So you're talking about the divorce now.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Yeah.

Walter:
Okay. So can we talk about it?

JEFF DUNHAM:
I already did.

Walter:
I didn't. How weird is it that I can make him feel uncomfortable onstage? So that's it, huh?

JEFF DUNHAM:
That's what?

Walter:
All those years of being married, and now it's over.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Yeah.

Walter:
So, all those years of raising the girls, and now the family's broken up.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Right.

Walter:
So, no more marriage?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Nope.

Walter:
No more wife.

JEFF DUNHAM:
No.

Walter:
What's it like?!

(loud, uncontrollable laughter)

Walter:
Oh, please let me live vicariously through you!

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
Walter, divorce is not a good thing.

Walter:
Oh, you can't lie to me, a**hole. So what happened?

JEFF DUNHAM:
What happened, Walter, is that, unfortunately, in our country these days, more than 50% of marriages now end in divorce, and sadly, mine was on that side of things.

Walter:
(voice breaking): You know, Jeff, I never thought

I'd say this to you, but you're my hero! Come on. What's it like to wake up in the morning and not hate your life?

To not think, "Uh-oh, here she comes!" Ugh!

You can leave your toilet seat up all the time!

I'd hot-glue mine open, for God's sakes... and then sh*t in the backyard. Just because I could.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Walter, divorce is painful.

Walter:
Oh, yeah, like a deep-tissue massage. (screams)

(sighs contentedly) So how long's it been?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Almost three years now.

Walter:
Oh, okay. So, you dating anybody now?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Matter of fact, I am.

Walter:
Oh, good. Female? Well, you never know. Sometimes that's the problem. "Honey, I got bad news

and I got good news. "Bad news is, I want a divorce. Good news is, I'm on your team now!"

(audience laughs)

Come on, let's knit, B*tch! So this girl you're dating, is she the same age as you?

JEFF DUNHAM:
No.

Walter:
Oh. So she's older.

JEFF DUNHAM:
No.

Walter:
(gasps) Younger.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Yes.

Walter:
How much younger?

JEFF DUNHAM:
It doesn't matter.

Walter:
Yes, it does. Come on. Does she have nice b*obs? That don't hang down past her knees? Do your b*obs hang low, do they wobble to and fro'?

(audience laughs, whistles)

Can you tie 'em in a knot'? Can you tie 'em in a bow? Can you throw 'em o'er your shoulder like a Continental soldier? Do your tits-

JEFF DUNHAM:
All right! Where do you hear a song like that?

Walter:
I didn't hear it, I wrote it, dumb-ass. Bet you never sung it to your wife. Every morning!

(wheezing laugh)

JEFF DUNHAM:
That's not funny.

Walter:
Oh, even the dog laughs at that.

(imitates dog howling)

(imitates dog whining)

Walter:
That last part was me.

JEFF DUNHAM:
I know. Walter, you make fun

of your wife a lot.

Walter:
I know. It's funny as hell, isn't it?

JEFF DUNHAM:
You know, your wife is supposed to be your soul mate.

Walter:
You want to be the pot or the kettle?

(sighs)

JEFF DUNHAM:
You know, I saw an old photo of you and your wife. Your wife's quite beautiful.

Walter:
You saw an old photo. Yeah, I'm kidding, I know.

I married a petite, young, beautiful thing.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Yeah.

Walter:
She was eventually eaten by the woman I live with now. Hey, hey, hey!

JEFF DUNHAM:
You're just flat-out saying your wife's overweight.

Walter:
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. She's under-tall.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Have you ever had a weight problem?

Walter:
Only when she sat on me.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Will you...?

Walter:
Ah! Get off of me! Actually, it's more like this:

(imitating an echo)

Hello? O... o...o... It's dark in here! Ere... ere... ere... I found your keys! Eys... eys... eys... I am not kidding.

Then she farted and unlocked the car doors.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What does your wife think when you do things like this?

Walter:
I don't care.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Well, I know you care enough about your wife to take her on some of these trips.

Walter:
Oh, yeah.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Yeah, she loves going on these trips.

I know she loves window shopping.

Walter:
Not in Amsterdam, she didn't. (cackles)

Ha! Because in Amsterdam, there's hookers in the windows! I love that city. Did you know that in Amsterdam, you can legally purchase marijuana?

JEFF DUNHAM:
I, uh... yeah... I did know that.

Walter:
Do you know where?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Coffeehouses.

Walter:
Coffeehouses! It's my favorite coffee place ever!

I'd like a latte and a doobie. And 19 dozen donuts, thank you.

(laughter)

(applause)

JEFF DUNHAM:
I know you liked Australia.

Walter:
Oh, I learned a new word in Australia.

Crickey!

Walter:
It means, "Oh, sh*t!"

JEFF DUNHAM:
You know, Walter, I happen to know the word "crickey" is actually derived from the word "Christ."

Walter:
Oh. So it means "holy sh*t." Am I going to hell?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Probably.

Walter:
Well, tomorrow we are driving through West Virginia, so what the hell?

(audience roars with laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
Why did you do that?

Walter:
I don't care, I'm going home in a suitcase. (laughs) Did you tell 'em about our shows in South Africa'?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Yes, I did.

Walter:
Yeah. How many shows did we do there?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Nine.

Walter:
How many folks were in the audiences?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Each audience? About five or six thousand people.

Walter:
That's what threw me off.

JEFF DUNHAM:
The number of people?

Walter:
No, the people that were in the audiences.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Walter:
Well, everybody in the audience in South Africa,

they were all, you know, uh... white.

JEFF DUNHAM:
So?

Walter:
What do you mean, so? We were in Africa, you moron. Haven't you ever looked at National Geographic?

I thought everybody there was, uh, you know... the opposite. And then I'd look out in the crowd and I'd think, "Well, where the hell are all the flies?"

Oh! Like you haven't seen the same commercials I have!

Everybody looked healthy! I'm sitting there thinking,

well, that "We Are the World" thing really worked out!

You're welcome! Hell, the way our economy is here now,

they should be sending us back some of that money.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Okay, Walter, uh, a couple of things.

First of all, the area of South Africa we were in, the population was predominately white.

Walter:
Oh, duh.

JEFF DUNHAM:
And as for the extreme poverty, there's a lot of that in many areas in South Africa, as well as many other nations in Africa; it's a very sad thing. Uh, there's aid being sent every day...

Walter:
Will you calm down? What are you, Bono, now?

JEFF DUNHAM:
I'm just saying, it's a great concern, it's very sad, it's being taken care of, they're being helped.

Walter:
Okay, okay, Okay-

JEFF DUNHAM:
The housing is awful...

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