Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos Page #4

Walter:
Ooh, can we talk about the housing?

JEFF DUNHAM:
No.

Walter:
Okay, listen up.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Wait a minute.

Walter:
In the poorest areas...

JEFF DUNHAM:
We, we went there.

Walter:
Yeah, we visited them. I'm not making any jokes,

I'm just passing on information. In the poorest areas, their houses, I'm not kidding, were all built out of poo.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Cow dum.

Walter:
Sh*t. Aw, come on, their houses are built out of sh*t! Who the hell made that decision? Couple of guys sitting around one day, Mtoomba and Chuck.

JEFF DUNHAM:
"Chuck"?

Walter:
I don't know any African names, do you?

So Mtoomba and Chuck are sitting there one day, and Mtoomba says, "Hey Chuck, we're going to build a house." 'Course they weren't talking in English, it was some African language.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Sure.

Walter:
Yeah. Probably one of those where they click and stuff. (clicking tongue) (hissing, clicking) That was Mtoomba.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Oh. What did he say?

Walter:
"Hey, Chuck, we're gonna build a house!" (clicking)

JEFF DUNHAM:
Was that Chuck?

Walter:
Yeah.

JEFF DUNHAM:
And what did he say?

Walter:
"Okey-dokey." And then he said, "What the hell

we gonna build 'em out of?" And the other said, " I don't know. Well, do we have any materials just laying around?" "Hmm... (gasps) We can use sh*t!" (laughter)

So that's what they decided to do. But that's not the weird part.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What's the weird part?

Walter:
All the women said, "Okay." Oh, come on. They built their houses out of poo. It's like the fourth little pig

that no one talks about. "This little pig built his house out of bricks, "this one out of sticks, and this one out of straw, but the fourth little pig built his house out of poo-poo!" Yeah. Disney never told you about him. "And the Big Bad Wolf said, I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll... Oh, my God!" "l got sh*t in my nose!" (laughter) "What is this, a caca casa? "Some kind of crap cottage? "No, it's a poo palace! "It's a doo-doo dwelling! "It's a fart fort, I tell ya."

And she lives in a sh*t shack.

(audience cheering, applauding)

Walter:
You wake up in the middle of the night and go,

(sniffs) "What's that smell? Oh, it's the Wall." Before you go inside, do you have to take off your shoes? When you drop food, is there a three-second rule?

JEFF DUNHAM:
I don't...

Walter:
It's raining! Run!

JEFF DUNHAM:
Not long after that, we went a little bit north, and went into Europe and the UK. You enjoyed it there.

Walter:
Yeah.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Did you like the city of London?

Walter:
I don't know, I got confused one day, standing in our hotel lobby.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Why?

Walter:
Some big old black guy walked in to me and started speaking English with a British accent. I thought I was in the Twilight Zone. I swear, some big old black guy

walks up to me and goes, (posh British accent):

"Oh, good afternoon, sir!" I'm like, who the hell is making

you talk? What the hell? And then I didn't know what to call him. He wasn't an African American. Yeah, didn't think of that, did you? What is he, African English?

Why can't we just go back to using the word "black," it was so much easier! I have a black dog, not an African retriever!

(laughter)

Walter:
Then we went to Ireland. I got all confused there.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Why?

Walter:
Everybody's last name starts with O. O'Malley, O'Shea. I think I know a black Irish guy.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Who's that?

Walter:
Obama.

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
I don't think Obama's Irish.

Walter:
Maybe he's half-Irish, half-African American.

I can't wait to meet him. I'm going to walk up and go,

"Hey, top of the morning to you there, dawg."

(laughter)

"How's your health care hangin, yo-yo?"

"Hey, that last election was a bee-yotch."

JEFF DUNHAM:
Say good night, Walter.

Walter:
Thank you.

JEFF DUNHAM:
That's Walter. There we go.

(cheering and applause)

(whistling, cheering and applause)

JEFF DUNHAM:
Thank you. Well, ladies and gentlemen,

there is a terrorist amongst us.

(cheering and whistling)

And I don't know how it's gotten to the point

that I can actually give this introduction, but here it is.

Please help me welcome the most beloved terrorist throughout the world. Achmed the dead terrorist.

(cheering and applause)

Achmed:
(evil laughter) Greetings, infidels!

(cheering and whistling)

JEFF DUNHAM:
It's good to see you, Achmed.

Achmed:
Ooh, it's good to see you too, infidel number one.

JEFF DUNHAM:
So you know where we are?

Achmed:
Yes, South Africa.

(laughter)

Achmed:
No? But Walter said if they're all white, it's South Africa.

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
No. We're-we're back in the United States.

(gasps)

Achmed:
Are they pissed?

JEFF DUNHAM:
About what in particular?

Achmed:
Well, you know, I kind of look like, uh...

JEFF DUNHAM:
Oh, yeah.

Achmed:
Yeah, a cab driver.

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
No, I think you're fine. And for the folks who might not know, Achmed, you are a suicide bomber.

Achmed:
Yes, I am. Don't stand too close. (evil laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
And I think a lot of us might like to know

how you feel about the death of Osama.

Achmed:
(gasps) I didn't do it.

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
I didn't say you did.

Achmed:
Oh, right. Yeah, uh-huh. (laughing) All right, yeah, yeah.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Wait a minute. Did you have something

to do with it'?

Achmed:
Yes. No! Yes... No, no, no... no! That Navy SEAL training was just for laughs. (giggling)

JEFF DUNHAM:
Wait a minute, you trained as a Navy SEAL?

Achmed:
No... Ye... No! No! How did you know?

Who said anything about Navy SEALS?

I'm just a simple little terrorist. Stop interrogating me!

Damn it, you're good at this!

(laughter)

Achmed:
You're not going to tell anyone, right?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Tell them what?

Achmed:
Oh, thank you. I will tell you what i do know, though.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What's that?

Achmed:
When Bin Laden died, there were no 72 virgins

waiting for him.

(laughter and applause)

JEFF DUNHAM:
No?

Achmed:
No. It was some kind of misunderstanding.

Turned out, it was one 72-year-old virgin.

(laughter)

Achmed:
Osama is stuck forever with Bea Arthur.

(laughter)

Achmed:
And Osama and I agree that that 72 virgin thing

is highly overrated.

JEFF DUNHAM:
How's that?

Achmed:
Who wants to hear this 72 times? "Ooh, ow, oh! Boo-hoo-hoo! You're gonna call me, right?"

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You

communicate with Osama?

Achmed:
Of course.

JEFF DUNHAM:
How?

Achmed:
On Face-Shot-Off-Book.

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
So...

(cheering, applause

and whistling)

JEFF DUNHAM:
So, where... where exactly is he?

Achmed:
Well, he won't say, but I'm pretty sure it's Hell.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Why do you say that? Well, they get cable,

but they only get one channel.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Achmed:
The Oprah Winfrey Network.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Wait a minute.

Rate this script:3.0 / 2 votes