Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos Page #5

(laughter and applause)

JEFF DUNHAM:
Come on, Achmed, a lot of people love Oprah.

Achmed:
Were you ever on her show?

JEFF DUNHAM:
No.

Achmed:
She doesn't love you. And also I know why

they would not show the photo of dead Osama.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Why is that?

Achmed:
It's a little hard to explain, but when he was killed, he was dressed up like Cher.

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
Well, since he's dead, do you think they're going to come after you now?

Achmed:
(laughing) Wait, what?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Well, you're a terrorist.

Achmed:
Yeah, but I suck at it.

JEFF DUNHAM:
You know, the military has the deck of cards of the 52 most wanted terrorists. Are you one of those?

Achmed:
Yeah, but I'm in the Go-Fish deck.

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
Well, what did you think about them burying him at sea?

Achmed:
I think it's cool that he could end up anywhere.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What do you mean?

Achmed:
That is one episode of SpongeBob I got to see.

(laughter)

Achmed:
(cackling) I wrote that. I keel me.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Achmed, since you're clearly a terrorist,

are you Muslim?

Achmed:
No. Scientologist.

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
But you used to be Muslim?

Achmed:
No. Look at me. I'm too extreme. I was Catholic.

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
Really?

Achmed:
And Methodist...

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Achmed:
Buddhist...

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Achmed:
And Baptist...

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Achmed:
And Capricorn.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Wait a minute. What are you doing?

Achmed:
I'm trying to offend as many infidels as possible. (evil laughter) And speaking of offending,

do you know what that idiot Peanut did to me?

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Achmed:
He stole my ShamW0w.

(laughter)

Achmed:
It's not funny! Silence!

(laughter)

Achmed:
Wait for it.

(uproarious laughter)

(cheering)

Achmed:
l keel you!

(cheering and applause)

Achmed:
That's fantastic. Let's do it together. One, two, three...

ALL:
I keel you!

Achmed:
They're talking to you.

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
So, Achmed, are you enjoying Richmond?

Achmed:
Oh, I love the nightlife here.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Uh, what part of the nightlife?

Achmed:
They have live sex shows.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Really? Where?

Achmed:
In the hotel room right next to mine.

(laughter)

(laughter)

Achmed:
What?

JEFF DUNHAM:
That's my room.

(cheering and whistling)

Achmed:
Next time you should get a partner.

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
Can we talk about something else?

Achmed:
I'm trying to throw up, but I don't have a stomach.

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
So, look, Walter and I were talking earlier,

and you've gotten pretty famous now, lately, haven't you?

Achmed:
Oh, yes. And I think very soon, I'm going to need my own posse. That's with an "O."

(laughter)

Achmed:
Po-o-o-sse. P-P-OO... OOOOOse... Posse.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Why are you explaining that?

Achmed:
In Amsterdam, they thought I said something else.

(laughter)

Achmed:
I don't even like cats.

(laughter and applause)

Achmed:
P-P-o... P-P-o... P-P-0... P-P-P-o... P-P...

P-P-0... P-P-P... How am I doing that with no lips?

(laughter)

(cheering and applause)

Achmed:
That's what she said. (cackling)

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
I can't believe you did that.

Achmed:
That's what she said.

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
Will you stop it?

Achmed:
That's what she said!

JEFF DUNHAM:
I don't like this.

Achmed:
(squealing): That's what she said!

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
How long is this?

Achmed (high-pitched squealing): That's what she said!

(loud laughter and applause)

Achmed:
Think about it.

JEFF DUNHAM:
So you were talking to Walter earlier?

Achmed:
Damn it! Yes, and I said, "I'm going to call you my bee-yotch." That means "b*tch."

JEFF DUNHAM:
I know that.

Achmed:
I'm sorry. I'd been watching Pimp My Camel.

JEFF DUNHAM:
You do seem like you've been in a pretty good mood lately.

Achmed:
Do you know why?

JEFF DUNHAM:
No.

Achmed:
Because like Santa Claus, I have been making

a list of people to kill twice.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Santa doesn't kill people.

Achmed:
He does if he's Terror Claus.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Terror Claus? I've never heard of him.

Achmed:
Oh... He kills you when you're sleeping

He chokes you when you wake He knows if you are Catholic or Jew So denounce your infidel faith.

(laughter and cheers)

JEFF DUNHAM:
That's terrible.

Achmed:
But catchy! Have you heard of the Terror Bunny?

JEFF DUNHAM:
No.

Achmed:
He hides Easter bombs. Look, Mommy. (mimics explosion)

JEFF DUNHAM:
That's even worse.

Achmed:
I know. Thank you for noticing. What do you want, more stinking knock-knock jokes?

JEFF DUNHAM:
That might be better.

Achmed:
Okay. Knock-knock.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Who's there?

Achmed:
Me. I keel you again. (laughs) You're such an idiot. You keep answering the door! Where I am from,

the game we teach our children is, when someone says,

"Knock-knock," you shut the f*** up and hide.

JEFF DUNHAM:
So, Achmed, did your parents have much to do with what you do now?

Achmed:
Well, uh, I guess so. My father was a suicide bomber.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Oh, so you guys are a lot alike?

Achmed:
Well, I have his eyes. In a box. And I like to hide them wherever Walter is sleeping. That way, when he wakes up, it scares the crap out of him.

WALTER (distant): You son of a b*tch, I'll kick your ass right now!

(applause and cheering)

Achmed:
ls that case locked from the outside?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Yeah. Why?

Achmed:
Cause he still scares the crap out of me!

JEFF DUNHAM:
So, Achmed, do you have any good memories of your father?

Achmed:
Uh, for my eighth birthday, he got me a puppy.

JEFF DUNHAM:
That's good.

Achmed:
No, it turned into a disaster.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Why?

Achmed:
Because sometimes my father was a very confused man, and that day my mother told him to go out and blow up some party balloons.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Yeah?

Achmed:
(sadly): And that's how I got a dog with no legs.

JEFF DUNHAM:
You had a dog with no legs?

Achmed:
Yeah, he was great. I had him for many years.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Oh. So what'd you call him?

Achmed:
Seriously? Seriously.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Achmed:
I had a dog with no legs.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What did you call him?

Achmed:
Seriously? Okay, you're a comedian, right?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Yeah.

Achmed:
I had a dog with no legs. (sinisterly): Ask me again.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What'd you call him?

Achmed:
I didn't call him anything because he could never come. It's not funny!

JEFF DUNHAM:
Achmed, that's, that's, like, the oldest joke ever.

Achmed:
(voice breaking): Yes, but in my case, it was true.

AUDIENCE:
AW...

Achmed:
Thanks.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Could he do any tricks?

Achmed:
He could roll over. It's not funny because if there is any kind of an incline, he couldn't stop himself!

He looked like a runaway can of pinto beans rolling down a hill. It was the only time I ever saw a cat actually laugh.

Meow. (hiccups) Meow. (hiccups) Meow. (hiccups)

(faster) Meow. (hiccups) Meow. (hiccups) (gasping groan)

JEFF DUNHAM:
What was that?

Achmed:
I killed the f***ing cat.

JEFF DUNHAM:
So, Achmed, when did you know you wanted to be a suicide bomber?

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