Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos Page #6

Achmed:
After talking to my guidance counselor.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Your guidance counselor?

Achmed:
In high school.

JEFF DUNHAM:
High school?

Achmed:
Al Qaeda High.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Al Qaeda High?

Achmed:
Oh... All hail to the Al Qaeda High. We blow up, then we die. Everybody!

JEFF DUNHAM:
Wait, wait, wait. Your high school? Who's your mascot?

Achmed:
The next guy on the list. Oh, it was, like "Go, team! (mimics explosion) Next.

JEFF DUNHAM:
So how were the cheerleaders at your school?

Achmed:
Oh, we didn't even have girls.

JEFF DUNHAM:
NO girls?

Achmed:
No. I had to take my buddy Omar to the prom. Hey, he could dance! Later, he became The Village Person. I'm not kidding!

JEFF DUNHAM:
Wait. Your buddy Omar was in the singing group The Village People?

Achmed:
Uh-huh.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Which guy was he?

Achmed:
What?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Was he, like, the cowboy or the construction worker?

Achmed:
Indian.

JEFF DUNHAM:
He was the Indian.

Achmed:
(chanting): HV-ya, hyya, hy-ya."

(mimics explosion)

JEFF DUNHAM:
What was that?

Achmed:
A bomb.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Native Americans didn't use bombs.

Achmed:
Hy-ya, hy-ya, hy-ya. (hisses, thud, groans) Hey! They got it! They knew that I got shot by an arrow.

I must be a pretty good actor. Can I try it again to make sure it wasn't a fluke?

JEFF DUNHAM:
Sure.

Achmed:
Okay, this time, slightly bigger arrow, more drama. (hisses, thud) (screaming loudly) Oh, look at that!

(audience cheering)

Achmed:
I'm a thesbian. Not like Ellen. Well, she's a lesbian, and I said "thesbian" and the words are similar.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Not in meaning.

Achmed:
Unless you're a lesbian thesbian. Chika-chika, wrow-wrow. I like Ellen.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Yeah.

Achmed:
She's cute.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Yeah.

Achmed:
You think I got a shot with her?

JEFF DUNHAM:
A shot?

Achmed:
You know, like, to date her? Oh, come on. She could play on any other team for a little while. You know, like a visitor.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Achmed, she's married to another woman.

Achmed:
(gasps) Who is this b*tch? Come on. What does she have that I don't? What? I no longer have the hoogh-hagh. Don't look! You look to my hoogh-hagh area, I keel you where you stand. But if I keel you, please don't drop me.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What happened to your hoo-ha?

Achmed:
My What?

JEFF DUNHAM:
You said you no longer have a hoo-ha.

Achmed:
No, I didn't.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Yes, you did.

Achmed:
No, I didn't. I said, hoogh-hagh. What the hell's a "hoo-ha"? That's like a laughing owl. Hoo-ha! Hoo-ha!

JEFF DUNHAM:
What happened to your hoogh-hagh?

Achmed:
Oh, after the explosion, it ended up

over there, over there and up there.

JEFF DUNHAM:
I see. So you no longer have a... a hoogh-hagh.

Achmed:
No.

JEFF DUNHAM:
But you like women?

Achmed:
Yes. (gasps) I'm a lesbian! I told you I got a shot

with Ellen! Do you think she likes actors?

JEFF DUNHAM:
I don't know.

Achmed:
Let me try this arrow thing one more time. I can prove I can act.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Okay.

Achmed:
Okay, this time, much bigger arrow, much more drama.

(hisses, thud) (loud groaning scream) (scream fades)

(resumes screaming louder) I got shot in the shoulder,

I'm not gonna die. (screams) Now in the stomach.

(hisses, thud, groans) (sustained gasping groan)

(weakly):
Tell Ellen I love her! (gasping and groaning)

Okay, I'm done. I can sit up now.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Actually, you can't.

Achmed:
What?

JEFF DUNHAM:
(laughing): Your ribs are caught on your spine. Hang on one second.

(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

Achmed:
What?! Son of b*tches! I keel you from here you a**hole! You feed me a sandwich every once in a while,

this sh*t would not happen! (screams) I'm a lesbian,

not a cheerleader!

(Ribs come off)

(laughter and cheering builds)

(loud whistling)

Achmed:
(low voice): I keel you. I keel you till you're dead! And that's worse. You make a barbecue joke...

(laughter)

Achmed:
I keel your family.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What part of my family?

(laughter and cheering)

Achmed:
We can talk.

JEFF DUNHAM:
All ri... (laughs) Sorry about this. How do you feel?

Achmed:
Kind of cold. Cut it out.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Why?

Achmed:
It tickles.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Can I... can I try and put this back?

Achmed:
What am I now? F***ing Lego Achmed? I hate you. I want Ellen.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Oops.

(audience cheers, applauds)

Achmed:
Didn't hurt.

JEFF DUNHAM:
All right. So Achmed, let me get this straight. So there were never any girls at your school.

Achmed:
No. But for some reason, we had a girls' restroom.

JEFF DUNHAM:
I see.

Achmed:
And one day, Omar and I snuck in there to explore.

JEFF DUNHAM:
The girls' restroom?

Achmed:
Uh-huh.

JEFF DUNHAM:
And what'd you find?

Achmed:
A couple of strange and wonderful things.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Like what?

Achmed:
Well, we found a machine. And if you put two shekels in it, a small missile would come out.

JEFF DUNHAM:
A missile?

Achmed:
Well, I think it was. It had a little white fuse. And it must have been a very special missile, because it was lightly scented. And then you could put two

shekels in the other machine and get the bonus

accuracy package.

JEFF DUNHAM:
What?

Achmed:
It had wings.

JEFF DUNHAM:
And you used these missiles?

Achmed:
With confidence.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Really?

Achmed:
Always.

(laughter)

(audience whistling)

JEFF DUNHAM:
Achmed, I've never heard of anything like this before.

Achmed:
Ooh, do not lie to me, infidel. I've been to your house, I've seen in your cabinets and drawers, many of these missiles hidden away. It looks as though you

are preparing for war.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Every four weeks, it feels like that, I'd say so.

Achmed:
So your soldiers have synchronized their time clocks.

JEFF DUNHAM:
You could say that.

Achmed:
Well, good luck in your battles, my friend.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Thank you.

Achmed:
I fear there will be much bloodshed.

(laughter)

Achmed:
What are the infidels laughing at now?

JEFF DUNHAM:
I'll explain it to you later.

Achmed:
l keel you!

JEFF DUNHAM:
Look, Achmed, I have a surprise to share with you tonight.

Achmed:
(gasps) You're going in the closet?

JEFF DUNHAM:
No, and by the way, the, the, the phrase is "coming out of the closet."

Achmed:
(gasps), congratulations!

JEFF DUNHAM:
No, I'm not coming out of the closet.

Achmed:
You're going to continue to hide the truth?

JEFF DUNHAM:
I'm not hiding in anything.

Achmed:
So everyone knows now? Congratulations!

JEFF DUNHAM:
Achmed, I have a girlfriend.

Achmed:
(gasps) Does she know? Maybe she will like this one guy.

JEFF DUNHAM:
There is no one guy.

Achmed:
There are many guys? You are a whore.

JEFF DUNHAM:
No.

Achmed:
You should be stoned.

JEFF DUNHAM:
Achmed...

Achmed:
What would your mother say?

JEFF DUNHAM:
I'm not a whore.

Achmed:
Of course your mother would say she's not a whore.

JEFF DUNHAM:
I'm straight. Straight, crooked, we do not need to know such graphic details.

(laughter)

JEFF DUNHAM:
I mean, I have a girlfriend.

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