Jeff Ross Roasts America

- Whitney houston just died.

- What's that?

Whitney houston

just died.

That's a joke.

All:
no.

Whitney houston

just died?

Sh*t. Houston,

we have a problem.

- Too soon!

- Too soon?

Apparently not.

hey.

Look out, everybody.

Jeff ross here.

Yeah!

Hola!

What's up? What's up?

I'm heading out

on my first national tour,

Roasting my way

around america...

How often are you gonna

get roasted by the master?

If you're pregnant

or weird-Looking...

You have

a civic obligation...

To get 15 seconds of pain,

if your skin is thick enough.

Volunteer only.

Here we f***ing go.

Finding out

who can take it...

Listen,

slumdog thousand-Aire.

You're like

a sitcom black dude.

You're not

a regular black dude.

Look at that!

And who can't.

Aah! Ow!

Whoo! Ow!

Let freedom zing...

And let the roasting begin!

My first stop

was my second home, seattle.

I warmed up backstage

by roasting my nephew, jared,

Right before the show.

Happy birthday.

What do you want to be

if you grow up?

Nice outfit, i didn't know

baby gap had women's clothes.

Jared looks like justin bieber

if he cut his own hair.

That's pretty good.

Behave or i'll drop you off

at penn state university.

Put your hands together

for the roastmaster general,

Jeffrey ross, everybody.

This worked out.

Thank you, seattle.

I got a haircut

for you people.

I told the guy, "make me look

like gaddafi's nephew."

It almost rained today,

didn't it, seattle?

Almost.

How many days a week does it...

You think it rains here?

All:
seven!

- Seven days a week?

You people are wetter

than whitney houston

In a beverly hills

hotel bathtub.

You people...

- Too soon!

- Never too soon, sir.

How stoned

are these motherfuckers?

People smoke pot

in seattle?

Yee-Haw!

You can say anything while

you're holding in pot smoke

And it makes it okay,

right?

Mom's dead.

Uh-Oh, i don't know

if i want it.

I want to stick my pinkie

in your a**hole.

I'll take that as a yes.

I invited courtney love,

but she didn't show up.

She told me

she's writing her book.

That's gonna be

a can't-Rememoir.

That plot's

gonna have more holes

Than kurt cobain's garage.

Too soon for the kurt jokes,

seattle?

I haven't read the book,

but i bet it ends with a bang.

All apologies.

How far does bill gates

live from here?

Bill gates is so rich,

He wipes his ass

with seahawks tickets.

Bill gates is so rich,

he's 100% of the 1% of the 1%.

Bill gates is so rich,

He hired cancer

to kill steve jobs.

This is my guitar

from high school.

I consider it

an old friend.

When i'm on the road,

i bring it with me,

And, uh,

it keeps me company.

Steve jobs was a great american,

and that one...

That one was...

At his funeral, his family made

this elaborate tribute video,

And then it didn't work

'cause you needed flash.

They put him in

this really expensive coffin.

Then they paid extra

for a plastic case

To protect it

from scratches.

Did you see him?

He was thinner than the ipad 2

At the end there.

Everybody wanted to

work for steve jobs,

Except his pancreas.

Steve jobs,

roast in peace.

I made a challenge

that i would try

Speed-Roasting volunteers

from the audience.

I don't pick on people.

It has to be volunteer only.

15 seconds of pain,

seattle.

Whoever wants to come up,

now's your chance.

I'll take the first, like,

eight people or something.

Okay, hold on,

that's enough dudes.

Wait a second.

All right, just women now.

Just women only.

Women only.

All right.

Oh, my god, look at this

lost kardashian.

What's up?

- I love you, jeff!

- Oh, my go...Oh!

Pop! Pop!

- You're so sexy.

- Oh, my god, wow.

Somebody get her

a black cock fast.

Ow! Ow!

Look at this gay nazi

over here.

heil hitler!

Come on, do it with me.

Do it with me.

Heil hitler!

And this guy,

what's your story?

I saw you at the theater

when i walked by

At, like,

what time today?

Uh, i think it was,

like, 2:
00.

This guy got to

the theater at 2:00.

I thought he was

a really big fan,

Turns out

he's f***ing homeless.

What do you do?

- Uh, i'm a laser operator.

- A what?

- A laser operator.

You must

get tons of p*ssy.

Just one.

- Just one?

- Yeah.

- You have a wife?

- Um, in a couple months.

Oh, you're gonna...

You're engaged?

- Yes.

- Wow, what does she do?

- She...

- I know she's not a dentist.

You asked for this, buddy.

I didn't...I didn't...

- No, hey, hey.

- Come here, ladies.

Let's check you out

for a second.

Two fives

make a ten, right?

Right!

Yeah! We're doing it!

We're f***ing doing it!

Wow.

You have such a sweet face.

- Aw, thank you.

Are you, like, missing

a chromosome or something?

Yeah, for sure.

For sure.

But...But it makes everything

so much better.

I feel you.

I could see that.

I could totally see that.

- Good.

I love you guys.

And look at you.

You stole a tablecloth

from chuck e. Cheese.

Hey, man, it's a recession.

It's a recession.

You talking about

your tits?

Oh, my god,

look at that.

I'd like to give you both

my space needle.

Bet your pussies

smell like pike's place.

Take a bow, you guys.

You can go back to your seats.

Super, super cool of you ladies

to come up here.

Good luck with your pubic hairs

coming in.

- All right, any time now.

- Love you.

- Thank you, darling.

Security, escort her

back to my hotel room, please.

A cold, beautiful day

in toronto.

No roasting of america

would be complete without a stop

At our cousin's backyard

to the north.

Our big, dumb cousin,

canada.

It's kind of like

visiting the family.

It's kind of

an obligation.

Gotta remind these canadians

who's boss.

This isn't a roast,

it's a thaw.

My dick is inside my stomach

right now,

It's so cold out there.

Uh, i watched a canadian

porno movie yesterday.

That was cool.

Two girls,

one stanley cup.

Last time

i was in montreal,

Celine dion had just given birth

to identical twins,

Which was quite an achievement

given her age and face.

Too soon

for the celine dion jokes?

There goes

my michael j. Fox routine.

I'm not making fun

of michael j. Fox.

That's shaky ground

right there.

Oh, my...Hey,

how about a hand for the band,

Doing a great job tonight.

If you're pregnant

or weird-Looking,

You have an obligation

to your fellow canadians

To come onstage right now.

All right,

that's probably good.

Wow, this is working out.

Come on.

Holy sh*t,

let's talk to this guy.

Come over here, sir.

Sir, when i asked for pregnant

people to come onstage,

I wasn't trying to

refer to you,

But...Come here.

Come here, doll.

Let's just...

Let's just compare you two.

You guys are...Just rub bellies.

Just rub bellies a little bit.

The three of us.

The three of us.

You guys are all so cute.

Come here, how you doing?

- Good, how are you?

- What's your name?

- Amanda.

Amanda. You are so

sexily pregnant right now.

- Thanks.

- Who's the baby daddy?

- He's out there.

This woman is too pregnant

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