Jeff Ross Roasts America Page #2

to be out in public right now.

I'm so h...Can i touch?

- Yeah, go ahead.

Do you know

what you're having?

- A boy.

- Oh, that's awesome.

I'm glad you're here

because they say

It's very healthy

for the baby's development

To hear people laughing,

to hear the mother laughing.

- That's right.

Imagine if i was

licking your p*ssy right now,

How good that would be

for the unborn baby.

What do you say?

What do you say?

Sure.

Mmm, i gotta jerk off again.

Hold on a second.

Oh, i don't even know.

Come here.

You are so...

Look at you.

Wow, you look like you were

raped on the way here.

What happened

to this f***ing outfit?

Is everything okay?

Did you make it in okay?

What happened, exactly?

They ripped your...

Half your dress off.

I want to bite your shoulder

right now.

- You're a creep.

- What's your name?

- Sarah.

- Sarah with an "h"?

- Yes.

- Oh, i gotta jerk off.

What do you do

all day, sarah?

- A student.

- Oh, yeah?

Of what?

- Mba.

I know

it's not fashion.

All:
oh!

It's gonna be okay, sarah.

You're here

amongst friends today.

Miss, it was great

to meet you.

Honey, i'll see you...When?

When will i see you?

- After the show.

- After the show?

Do you ever suck dick

for coke?

How about diet pepsi?

Do you take diet pepsi?

Mamala, thank you

for being a good sport.

- Thank you.

- Thank you for coming up here

When i asked for

a volunteer.

Good luck with your baby

and your daddy.

Oh, that was so fun.

Washington, d.C. Has

a reputation for being uptight.

That wasn't the case with

the people i was running into.

Hey, honest abe!

Want to come hear me

roast abe lincoln?

Last time i roasted

somebody this stoned,

It was charlie sheen.

Abe, you were america's

best president ever,

And our

worst theatergoer ever.

- Too soon, too soon.

Too soon?

All:
too soon.

I heard that play

was so bad,

He was hoping

to get shot in the head.

Too soon,

too soon, too soon.

Of course,

abe lincoln freed the slaves.

Is that why all black people

drive lincolns?

Now i'm gonna go roast

martin luther king.

Come on!

- Yeah!

I heard that they

just approved medical marijuana

Here in washington too.

Is that true?

It'll be

a billion-Dollar industry.

Doctors will start

advertising on tv.

"Do you have trouble

sleeping 12-14 hours a night?"

Sometimes i wake up

after nine or ten hours.

"Are cartoons not as funny

as they used to be?"

We're in a political area.

Do you guys think, uh,

the president

Should get his job back?

No!

- Really?

He gets a lot of credit

for, uh, being on the lookout

For osama bin laden and killing

that motherf***er, right?

Osama bin laden, living in

that run-Down compound

For years

With his 3 wives

and 11 kids.

I have a theory

that osama bin laden

Called the navy seals

himself.

"Somebody f***ing kill me

"Before i do something crazy.

"I'm at

1313 boulevard,

"Abbottabad.

A-A-A-B-B-B-A-A-

B-B-A-A-A-A-

B-B-B-A-A-B-A

as in aah!

Anybody who wants to

come onstage.

It has to be

volunteer only.

This is gonna be...

Look at this guy, wow.

You got balls

for coming out.

That's awesome.

You could stay.

Your buddy could stay.

Holy sh*t.

This is too f***ing...

Oh, my god,

when did harold kumar?

Look at this, we got the

bob's big boy up here.

The f...

Holy sh*t, you got

the biggest tits up here.

What's up, man, how you doing?

- What's up, bro?

- Nice to see you, buddy.

Are you really

on the redskins?

- Damn right.

- What position do you play?

Bottom?

You got brass balls

coming up here

To get

speed-Roasted.

This guy has seen

more life experience

Than i'm ever gonna see

Or most people will ever see

in their lives.

I talk sh*t for a living.

I live in a country

where free speech

Is the most important thing

to me.

So these guys over here,

And this f***ing

tough maniac over here,

Protects my right

for free speech.

yeah.

You're the first person

from the hospital

Ever to come up onstage

during one of my shows,

And honestly, i don't know

what the f*** happened to you,

But this is a long way to go

to lose weight.

- I know, right?

I hope you're having

a f***ing blast.

- I did, in afghanistan.

- What?

I said i did have a blast,

in afghanistan.

awesome.

Awesome.

Funny motherf***er.

I was expecting

to take a bow.

Take a bow?

I'll take one with you.

You ready?

We'll do it together...

Holy sh*t.

Somebody's

gotta f*** this guy.

- Hear ye, hear ye!

All that talk

about freedom of expression

Made me want to

take it to the limit.

So i took the day off

And headed to

the sunshine state.

You all look very beautiful.

Whoop.

Forget speed-Roasting,

i was roasting in my speedo.

- Usa! Usa! Usa!

Sir, put your clothes on

and exit the water immediately.

- Am i in trouble?

- Yeah, you are.

- For what?

- Please stop the filming.

You do not have

the authority to film me.

Step over to

the lifeguard tower, please.

And let's not make a scene

Before they pull up

the paddy wagon.

All:
ross! Ross! Ross!

Uh oh, busted for desecration

of the flag?

Well, i talked to the cops, and

they let me off with a warning.

Apparently, it's still

illegal to rock out

With your cock out

in this country.

- Jeff ross!

- Next stop, minneapolis.

Every day's

another adventure, you know?

You pass through places

that you've never been,

And you pass through places

that you have been.

So there's always

all kinds of different emotions

Every single day.

When i was 17, i had sex

with somebody named kayla,

And she tracked me down

through my website

And said she wanted to

come say hi,

So i think she'll be there,

Which is, uh, cool

and weird, and, uh,

I guess kind of funny.

I know you guys

can take a joke,

And i'm sorry

that the, uh, vikings

Aren't in

the super bowl tomorrow.

That's...

I'm really sorry,

but look,

At least your wnba team

wins every f***ing championship.

What are they called?

All:
lynx!

The lynx?

More like missing links,

what the f***?

They're f***ing 8 feet tall,

those f***ing women.

They're awesome though.

They're the only team

from minnesota

That doesn't

play like girls.

I have so much...

- i love you, jeff ross!

- Thank you, sir.

I love you too, sir.

I lost my virginity

to somebody from st. Louis park.

Are you here?

Come here,

say hi for a second.

Holy sh*t,

this is nuts.

Wow, you look beautiful.

- How are you doing?

- That is so crazy.

You turned out

a lot better than i did.

Wow.

You want to tell the story

of what happened?

It'll be really fun.

Is this okay

that i'm doing this?

- Does it matter?

- No.

- You got a baby!

- That would be crazy.

That would be crazy

if my, like, 20-Year-Old son

Came down those steps

right now.

It's the dude

with the beer.

Don't even f*** with me

right now.

Too soon, too soon.

The way i remember it,

you said to your friend sue,

"I want to lose my virginity,

and that guy jeff

"Just happened to be

over at your house,

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