Jeff Ross Roasts America Page #3

So i'm gonna f***

that guy tonight."

I was just some fat loser

with braces.

No, no,

you were cute back then.

You had a mission,

and i happened to be the lucky,

Very lucky guy

Who got to put his 17-Year-Old,

3-Inch penis

Inside your foot-Long-Deep,

18-Year-Old,

Sweet, super-Tight,

delicious...

You know, it's, like,

your first time,

And it's always very awkward,

but i remember it, in the end,

Like, very beautiful,

and a very fond memory

Of having sex with you

for 15 seconds

In sue arbetter's

parents'...

- Parents' bed.

- Bed.

Which begs

the obvious question,

What are you doing tonight?

That was so awesome.

Thank you, kayla.

Wow, what the heck

just happened?

Have you guys been watching

that aids documentary on fox?

All:
no.

I think it's called glee.

I hope those kids are okay,

that's all i'm saying.

By the time i got to wisconsin,

i was in full roast mode.

Madison, holy sh*t,

you people are fat.

No offense.

What do you put in the water?

Cholesterol?

I lost my virginity

from someone from minnesota.

I motorboated a dude today.

It was crazy.

You are fat, wisconsin.

Look at me.

This is so crazy,

what are you?

Come here a second.

Look at that!

Wait, there's another one!

Oh, my god,

come up here, fellas.

Let's f***ing turn this into

ernest goes to a comedy show.

I would love to see you guys

f*** each other,

Like cousins do,

wisconsin style.

Let's put the "sin"

in wisconsin.

Are you guys related or married,

or what's the story?

- No.

You don't even

know each other?

- Nope.

- How can two guys be so similar

And not even

know each other?

What's your name, sir?

- Paul.

- Paul.

And, uh?

- Leif.

- "Leave"?

Like "get the f***

out of here"?

And look at this.

How you doing, baby?

Come here a second.

- Oh.

If you had to f***

one of these...

Escaped prison inmate...

I don't even know

what these are.

How do you feel about having

the exact same hair on your face

As i have on my balls?

Are you okay with that?

- Yep.

I didn't even see this.

What do your knuckles say?

Come here a second.

- "The truth."

- What's that?

- "The truth."

The truth?

The truth?

- You can't handle the truth.

- No, i can handle the truth.

It's you...I don't know

if you can handle the truth

Because the truth is

you need a f***ing bath.

Let me tell you something.

You guys have a great walk

back to the woods.

- Thank you.

- All right?

Tell mom and dad

and cousins all i said hi.

Being on the road

can be lonely.

All right,

now show your heinie.

Whoo!

So by the time

i got to vegas...

- Hey, jeff!

- I was ready to bang anybody.

I'd like to double down

on those right now, whoo!

I'm all-In.

I love coming to vegas, man.

I wanted to stay

at new york, new york,

But it was too expensive,

So i stayed

at newark, newark.

There's a guy taking a sh*t

in the lobby.

I like when you fly in,

you see the luxor.

You see that f***ing...

That bat-Light

for f***ing hookers going.

The tramp lamp.

You know you're in vegas

when you see that sh*t,

Right, honey-Tits?

I went to

the david copperfield show.

That was incredible.

He did his best trick ever.

He made criss angel disappear.

Wha-Ha! Gone!

I want

your shoes, b*tch!

I want

your shoes, b*tch.

I want my balls

in your mouth, b*tch.

It's friday night

in vegas.

This is a song that my dad

used to play for me

Right before he used to

stick his pinkie in my a**hole.

That's the only part i know.

I used to pass out

right after that part.

I remember the lyrics.

The lyrics were...

"Shh."

I know it's march madness.

We must have some sports fans

in this weekend.

I'm more of

a football fan myself.

I love football.

Too soon for the penn state

sex scandal jokes?

All:
no!

In honor of the recent death

of coach joe paterno,

I think we should all

take 12 years of silence.

Hey, i don't know if

i want to live in a country

Where a coach

can't wash his players' legs

After a workout.

Let's not forget

who the real victims are,

The guys who work as janitors

in the penn state locker room.

Hey, i care, people.

I read the f***ing

ten-Page indictment.

I twice.

I had to put it down.

We lost two great comedians

from the roast world last year,

Patrice o'neal

and greg giraldo.

If you know those guys,

show 'em some love.

If you don't know 'em,

look 'em up, buy their stuff.

It's worth it,

i promise.

You know,

when comedians lose people,

We feel pain

more than most people.

That's our trade, pain.

It was so sad

when my favorite rapper,

Right here in vegas,

tupac, was murdered.

I guess now his name would make

more sense backwards, right?

Caput.

For years,

i thought tupac shakur

Was a jewish holiday.

"What are you doing

for tupac shakur?"

"I don't know,

is that the one

Where you don't eat

for 24 hours?"

"I think it's the one

where you get shot in the face

In las vegas."

"Oh, okay."

In honor of my dad,

joe paterno, steve jobs,

Tupac, greg, and patrice,

Roast in peace.

Look at these

people.

Right?

- That's my daughter, yeah.

How long have you guys

been related?

- 23 years.

- "Twenty-Twee" years?

- "Twenty-Twee," yeah.

- Jesus.

- I'm from boston.

- He's from boston!

Your f***ing breath

smells like her p*ssy,

That's all i know.

- Yeah, right.

Don't get smart standing

where you are, motherf***er.

okay, there, uh...

Were you crosby,

stills, or nash?

I never get...

Wow, man,

i can't wait till we...

Well, you're better looking

on f***ing tv, i know that.

Thank you,

you're very ugly in person,

Just for the record.

- Thank you.

Wow, and who the f***

is this?

I'm the one

that's been yelling at you

All f***ing night.

Wow, way to go,

you f***ing c*nt.

- Whoo!

How did she get up here

after all that?

What the f***

is wrong with you guys?

- Give me your shoe, baby.

- Shh shh shh.

Why is this

f***ing drunk person up here?

Someone...

Thank you, thank you.

- Good job, jeffrey.

- Okay, thank you.

You guys are very disgusting.

- you.

- Wow.

Oh, my god.

I heard

you like older women.

Oh, my god.

What's your name?

Bea arthur.

I'll do the jokes,

gladys, okay?

Wow, you are f...

I want you to know,

that's my daughter.

Oh, my god, we got

the whole f***ing cast

Of the golden girls

here today.

Don't knock it

till you've tried it.

- What's that?

Don't knock it

till you've tried it.

I'll f***ing try the knockers

any time you let me.

I live in vegas,

and these are real.

- Wow.

I gotta jerk off

right now.

Oh, my god,

you are the sexiest stripper

I've ever seen.

Wow, look at you.

Who does your hair,

the joker?

You are gonna

get it tonight.

Don't leave.

Don't leave, darling.

From your mouth

to god's ears.

- What's that?

From your mouth

to god's ears.

- Wow.

From your mouth to my dick,

here we go.

Whoo! Ow!

I got hit!

Did you catch that?

Seven shows in a row!

- I saw, i saw.

Thank you.

Why are you still up here?

- 'Cause i love you.

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