Jeff Ross Roasts America Page #4

Look at this, we got...

The verizon guy's here tonight.

Sir, come here a second.

How you doing?

Let's just get you

out of the way,

'Cause you look

creepy as sh*t.

What's your name?

- Mark.

- Mark?

Why do you have to drink

while you're onstage?

You're on f***ing camera

right now, why would you...?

Is this comedy central

right now?

No, it's the f***ing

history channel.

What do you think it is?

What's your name, darling?

- Alice.

- Give it up for alice

For being an amazing sport.

Sexy and beautiful

and cool as hell.

- Come on, cousin jeff,

Let's shoot us

some bis-Keets!

Pull!

Both:
oh!

- That's awesome.

- Perfect.

Oh!

- Die, heckler.

My last stop was nashville.

I figured i'd head in

a couple days early

To hang out with

my crazy cousin john rich.

- Welcome to tennessee, cousin.

- Whoo-Hoo!

- Whoo, doggies!

Wait, we're not

really cousins, are we?

- Probably not.

If there's one thing

i learned about the south,

They treat everybody

like family.

What's up? What's up?

Hoo! Yeah!

Thank you, man.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Whoo! Hot diggity

whoo-Hoo-Ha!

These boots were made

for roasting, motherfuckers.

Wow, what a shithole.

I want to see

if people from nashville

Have a good sense of humor,

that's my goal.

I know you have

a high liquor tolerance.

What's that?

- I need another cocktail.

- Holy sh*t.

I never heard anybody

slur and stutter

At the same time.

Wow.

Yeah!

- Get her a reality show.

Look at this f***ing

country snooki over here.

What's up?

You really want to

come up here already?

- Yeah.

- climbing over sh*t.

bring me down, baby.

What are you gonna do?

Oh, my god,

i'm gonna get some purell.

What do you think

i'm gonna do?

Help.

No, not really.

I got this.

- Bring it.

- I got this.

- Bring it.

- What's your story, baby?

- I don't know yet.

Oh, my god, is your pinkie

in my a**hole right now?

I'm supposed to be...

I'm supposed to be at home.

- You're supposed to be at home?

- Yeah.

But they, uh,

they repossessed it?

- Maybe.

Maybe, i don't know.

What do you want?

My wallet back,

for starters.

- Yeah.

shut up.

Whoo.

- Look at you.

I didn't know they paid hookers

by the pound around here.

That's sweet.

- Oh!

- I'm not that fat.

- No...

Yeah, you are, come on.

Let's face it.

- Uh...

I did not expect the show

to start out like this.

Dis me, dis me.

Let's do this.

All right, i got a great idea.

If you can stand still for...

- I will.

- For ten...Move into the light...

For five seconds,

all right?

No, turn around,

turn around, turn around.

No, no, face me.

What the f*** is wrong with you?

- Okay.

You're ready to go,

aren't you?

You'd let me f*** you

on this keyboard, wouldn't you?

Hold on a second, hold on

a second, hold on a second.

What's your name?

- Pam.

- Okay, hold on.

I just want to say...

That i've always loved...

- Actually...

- Shh, shh, shh.

- That's our food, actually.

I love you.

I've loved you

Since the beginning

of this show.

And with this onion ring,

i thee wed.

Will you marry me, pam?

- Yeah!

- Thank you.

- Yay!

- Wow.

- Yay!

Thank you

for the ebola virus.

Give her

a round of applause.

Be careful, pam.

You're a good sport.

Oh, my god,

I'm getting the whole

f***ing thing right here.

Wow, you have

the tits of an angel

And the ass of a plumber.

Baby jesus.

Life is short,

make as much love as possible.

I mean,

i read a crazy article

In the new york times

science section.

Some of you

may have seen this.

Some medical researchers

think that blow jobs

Could potentially

cause cancer.

Don't panic, lady.

It's not proven yet.

Some doctors think

that there could be a virus

In the man's semen that,

if it gets in your throat,

Could cause cancer.

They haven't proved it yet.

We'll know when that's proven

'Cause that'll be

the biggest story in history.

Our top story tonight, blow jobs

cause canc...Wait, hold on.

We found a cure

for blow job cancer.

Whew!

Sorry, breast cancer,

You'll have to wait

a little longer.

Doctors had an emergency.

I repeat, blow jobs

do not cause cancer.

That would be tough news

to swallow.

Back to you, katie.

Thanks, bob.

In other news,

jeff ross is in town.

No, i don't know

if i'm a good lover.

I'm good at the...

The build-Up, you know?

The...The ramp-Up.

The preproduction.

The, you know,

the foreplay.

When it comes down to the...

I'm gone in 60 seconds.

I told my girlfriend

we need a system, you know?

Keep me from having

an orgasm so fast.

I said, "what if you

just, like, whisper...

"If we had a code word

that you just whispered

"That would make me, like,

flip the switch in my head

And not...

And just last longer."

She says, "well, what do you

want your code word to be?"

And i didn't think

about it, you know?

I just thought of

the worst thing ever

That came to my mind.

I said, "i don't know,

just say, uh,

Just say 'holocaust.'"

Couple mornings later,

we're making love, and...

Nothing better

than some morning love,

And we're having

some grits and bagels.

And we're making love,

and it's just beautiful,

And she's so beautiful,

i'm about to explode.

And suddenly, she whispers

in my ear, she says,

"I can't believe those poor

6 million jews who died

In the concentration camp

at auschwitz."

I was like, "what the f***

are you talking about?

I don't want a wikipedia

printout right now."

Then i came on her tits

and killed

Another 6 million jews.

Too soon?

Never too soon.

All right, nashville,

let's finish this up

With a poem.

Yeah!

F*** yeah!

This is awesome!

This is megan mullins,

an amazing, amazing musician.

John rich, one of

the top songwriters in history.

I tried to find

a cowboy hat to fit you.

- I looked all day.

I found a couple

that would fit your head,

But none of 'em

covered up your face,

So i decided

not to buy any of 'em.

- Wow, i love that.

Today, we were

shooting guns, and...

And it occurred to me that

you thought a 9-Millimeter

Was a big gun.

But then

it also occurred to me

That you measure your dick

by centimeters.

Thank you so much

for roasting the roastmaster.

Big & rich.

Save a horse.

How about save my eardrums,

write a new song?

Huh.

I love you so much.

John rich has done

for country music

What flavor flav has done

for country music.

Wow.

Music city.

If you're with somebody

you care about,

You might want to

join hands.

This is a love poem.

It's called

baby, move over.

"Baby, move over.

I'm on the wet spot."

"F*** you, baby.

You move over.

It's your wet spot."

"F*** you, baby.

It's our wet spot."

"I'm sleeping

on the couch."

"All right,

well, nice meeting you."

Thank you so much, everybody.

I love you guys so, so much.

I just want to say, uh,

I've been in so many cities

on this tour,

And i have learned so much.

Americans everywhere i go

have a great sense of humor,

Especially about themselves.

So thank you all

for being great sports.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes