Jeff Ross Roasts the Border: Live from Brownsville, Texas Page #6

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you doing, Tony?

Good. These are my friends

Tony and Melissa. I visited them

while I was in Brownsville

this week.

Give it up for Tony and Melissa.

They got married yesterday.

Is that right?

Yeah. Married yesterday?

Congratulations. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

What made you two finally

want to roll down the aisle?

That's too much, Councilman?

Future ex-Councilman?

Wow.

I love that your honeymoon

is a trip

to [Bleep] Hope Park to see me.

Who's this creepy

guy right here?

Come here, bud.

My name is Joe Lee Rubio.

Joe Lee Rubio? Yeah.

And what's your story?

I'm a member of the Brownsville

Beautification Committee.

I'm going to do him a favor.

You're a maybe of the what?

Brownsville

Beautification Committee.

[ Imitating slurring ]

Brownsville Bike and Pedestrian

Advisory Committee.

I love how you massaged me

while you told me that.

Oh, that feels so good.

Your breath smells

like his balls.

That's all I'm saying,

which smell like tequila.

I don't know what's going

on with these two.

Well, you know

how it is, you know?

We love to promote Brownsville.

Okay. We're doing it right now.

And we're glad your here.

Thank you very much.

We're glad your here,

and this is Hope Park.

Beautiful.

It's one of the first projects

that the Beautification

Committee

did in the city of Brownsville.

Why do they call it Hope Park?

Because they Hope

you go to rehab?

[ Laughter and applause ]

Come on! I'm teasing.

I'm teasing. Everybody, no.

I'm teasing.

I'm teasing. I'm teasing.

This is a night to come

out and have a good time,

and he's in the spirit.

304, 305.

She's what?

Oh. It's your lucky day.

We've got one illegal

alien female

who is 9 months pregnant,

any day delivery.

Hola. Hi.

Me llamoJeff.

I'm Jeff. Hello.

Elcy. Nice to meet you.

Can I say hi?

Nice to meet you.

Can I wait here?

Where you from?

Honduras. Honduras?

Yes. Are you having

a boy or a girl?

Si. El nino or el nina?

Congratulations. That's awesome.

Gracias. You happy to be here?

[ Man interpreting in Spanish ]

You wanted your baby to be

born in America, huh?

[ Man interpreting in Spanish ]

Of course. Por supuesto.

The greatest place.

What does America mean to you?

[ Man interpreting in Spanish ]

It's a great hill for people

from another country.

There's a lot of good

people here.

Yeah. Si.

What's your dream now?

What's your American dream?

[ Man interpreting in Spanish ]

Congratulations on the baby

and the United States.

Congratulations. Welcome.

Gracias. Okay.

Ross:
Coming down here this

week really made me appreciate

how hard it is to get

into America

and it made me

appreciate how lucky

I am that I was born here.

[ Applause ]

I really do feel lucky,

and this really is the greatest

country on Earth.

And I think it's important

that we do everything

we can to protect it,

but not just our borders.

Our laws, our health,

our humanity,

we have to protect

all these things

because at the end of the day,

we're just people, right?

We're just people.

Some are a little uglier

than others.

Mexican Shrek in the front row.

But we're all just people

and we have to live her together

whether we like it or not.

So if you did come to this

country illegally,

on behalf of tax-paying

Americans, I ask you, work hard.

Love your country,

and don't be apendejo.

Because this country

is yours too, now.

This land is your land,

this land is my land

Even though we stole it

From the Native Americans

From the Oval Office

To the Texas border

[ Cheering ]

This land was made

for you and me

From Albert Einstein

To Drake and Rihanna

To Arnold Schwarzenegger

And Mildred, his Latina

housekeeper turned baby mama

They all came here

From shittier places

Because this land

is where they want to be

[ Cheering and applause ]

Sorry, Mexico.

I hate to break it to you but...

This land ain't your land

If you're listening

on the other side...

I'm sorry for the drama

I bet you miss Obama

[ Laughter, cheering, applause ]

Shout out to the immigrants

who came to the America

and do the jobs that Americans

don't want to do,

like marry the President.

I left the border wishing

we were all more

like the people

of the Rio Grande Valley:

Informed, patriotic people

with different opinions,

living side-by-side,

respecting

one another's realities,

and even laughing

at the same things.

I always say, "Comedy

brings people together."

Nobody wants bad

hombres getting in,

and I'm no politician

or security expert,

but it seems obvious that we,

the people, need to find safer

and more dignified

ways for good folks

from every origin

to come to America

to pursue their freedom

and their dreams,

just like my family did.

As for Elcy, the next night

in the detention center,

she gave birth to a big,

fat Texan baby girl.

And on behalf

of all the undocumented

people I met,

I challenge

our elected officials

to remember where

their ancestors came from,

and to be more compassionate

when writing their speeches

and their laws.

Roast on, America.

Roast on.

Give us your tired,

your poor, your hungry.

First round is on me.

I love you, guys!

Thank you for coming

to the show.

I appreciate you so, so much.

Thank you for coming.

Appreciate it.

Enough with the bread, already.

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