Jen Kirkman: Just Keep Livin?

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1

[audience cheering and applauding]

Hello. I should use a microphone, really.

Hi.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

[mimics crying]

[audience cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you.

That was the perfect amount of applause.

I didn't have to stand here

too awkwardly long.

Thank you for coming. I am Jen.

If you didn't know, maybe you wandered in,

now you're having a fun time with me.

- Um...

- [audience laughs]

It has been brought to my attention

by doctors,

some codependent yoga teachers,

and everyone who's ever met me

that I am high strung.

And... it's been suggested...

that therapy isn't enough,

that I need to meditate.

And so, now,

I am one of these people who meditates.

And by "I meditate,"

I mean, "I do not ever meditate."

- But...

- [audience laughs]

I have a meditation playlist,

some gongs going, "gong, gong."

I've got apps, I think about meditation.

I have a meditation chair

in my living room.

You have one, too.

It's just a f***ing chair.

- But...

- [audience laughs]

I put a candle next to it

and I call it my meditation chair, yeah.

And when you come over,

I point out to you,

"Oh, don't mind that, that just, um...

That's my meditation chair, yeah.

No, every morning I get up

and I think about doing it and I don't.

I get up and I... sit in it

and take a few deep breaths.

Don't be intimidated, you can sit in it

if you want. Yeah, it's not...

Not everyone's

on the same spiritual plane,

but we don't have any rules

in this... happy home

with the chair and the...

Don't worry about why the candle

has never been lit, just..."

[audience laughs]

But this one day, I did meditate

because I had an important thing to do.

I wanted to get a job.

I wanted to write

and I wanted someone to pay me for it.

I wanted to have interview

and I wanted to get it.

So, that being said,

there were a little nerves in the morning.

I thought

maybe I'll try this meditation thing

that everyone is talking about.

And I did about five minutes

of meditation.

And if you're not impressed with that,

then you've never meditated.

[audience laughs]

Because after five seconds, you're like,

"Why did the Lord stop time?"

[audience laughs]

Five minutes is a long time

to clear your mind of things and I did it.

And I woke up and came out of it

and I was like:

"Oh, I get what everyone's talking about.

I feel... so...

Like, I could handle anything.

If I didn't have to leave the house today,

I could really handle anything."

But I did have to leave the house.

And so, I got in my car

and I'm driving

in the Los Angeles 9 a.m. traffic.

When I saw the green light,

I was like, "Green's pretty."

And I was trying to figure out

what green meant, like, on a deeper level.

[audience laughs]

And I'm like,

"Green, what can that tell me?"

And I didn't realize in that moment,

all I needed to know about green

is it means f***ing go.

And so, I'm, "Green,"

and I start to slow down.

And the people behind me

are starting to lose it

because they are late for work.

And so they're just, "beep!"

and they're honking and their horns,

and I'm like, "Oh, now it's yellow.

Oh, red. Oh, that was fun."

And I realized... I'm stopped

at the red light, which is normal,

but I really stopped at the green light.

And then I realized, "Oh, my God, I...

I screwed these people."

That could've made the difference

between them being early and being late.

Guy behind is pissed like:

I see him in my rear-view mirror.

And I just... I feel so calm, though,

because I meditated. Yeah, so...

[audience laughs]

I just turned and give him a wave

that just says like, "I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry you think

you're late for work, but...

[audience laughs]

you don't know what I know.

[audience laughs]

- There is no time, so, yeah."

- [audience laughs]

I'm even embarrassed to say

that I heard his horn.

That's not very meditation of me.

What is a sound, right? That's...

[audience laughs]

That's just the meaning

I placed on it, right?

I could've heard anything.

I could've heard butterflies eating candy.

So... I'm driving,

feeling really good about myself,

and just, like... Just so much better

than everyone else that's so mad.

And that's what meditation's for,

is to feel superior to others.

- So...

- [audience laughs]

I turned the corner

and we go to the next stoplight...

and I pull up to it and so does the guy

behind me that was all pissed.

And I've got the sunroof open,

the windows down.

I'm just happy as can be.

Again, did I mention

I had meditated that morning?

And the guy next to me,

typical what you think of Los Angeles

if you've never been.

Producer-looking guy,

kind of chomping on his cigar,

bald, kind of chubby, in his red BMW,

probably 50, two divorces.

And he's sitting there

and he is pissed at me.

And he's in his car...

and he just looks over and goes,

"Hey, dumbass,

what were you doing at that light?"

And I'm just sitting in my car like:

"I meditated today.

[audience laughs]

Can't get angry.

What would it be like to kill him?

Don't think about that."

[audience laughs]

So, he yells again, "Hey, dumbass,

what were you doing at that light?

Texting your boyfriend?"

That one got me.

[audience laughs]

Because I didn't have a boyfriend

and I was not happy about it.

[audience laughs]

Then I got pissed. I'm like,

"He thinks I'm texting my boyfriend?

That's what he thinks

when a woman makes a mistake in traffic?

It's always about a man.

Anytime you see a five-car pile up,

it's like, 'Are you coming home for dinner

or not?'" You know?

[audience laughs]

So, I was like,

"This guy is not gonna bully me.

F*** this. I don't care about meditation.

Everybody gets angry.

I'm not a goddamn saint."

Not that they meditate,

but whatever they do.

And so, I put the car in park

and I stood up in my seat

and I put my head out of the sunroof

and then I went into the passenger seat.

[audience laughs]

And I leaned over and I went,

"What the f*** did you just say to me?"

[audience laughs]

[audience cheering]

For those at home watching,

this isn't being taped in New York City.

[audience laughs]

He said, "I said, what were you doing

at that light, dumbass?"

Now, I didn't wanna tell him,

"I meditated today

and I got loopy at the green light."

I didn't want to tell him that because he

was mean to me and I wanted to win.

[audience laughs]

I wanted to say something

that would make him feel so bad

about what he did that he'd be like,

"Oh, my God, I have to think

before I speak

and put myself in other people's shoes.

You never know

what someone's going through." Right?

So, I said to him something that's true,

meaning, I actually said it.

The content is not true.

[audience laughs]

I said, "What was I doing? I was thinking.

I just found out that my mother died

this morning."

[audience laughs]

I didn't say I was a good person,

I just said I meditated.

[audience laughs]

He goes, "You're still a dumbass."

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