Jen Kirkman: Just Keep Livin? Page #2

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And I was like:

[gasps]

"What kind of person says that to someone

whose mother just died?"

She didn't, he doesn't know.

He is a bad person.

- I am the winner in this story still.

- [audience laughs]

And then I just lost it.

And I went, "Oh, go f*** your car."

[audience laughs]

I don't know what that means either,

but I just...

I had to keep going,

like I knew what I was talking about.

Like, "Yeah, stick your dick

in the tailpipe, buddy.

[audience laughs]

I know who you are.

What are you, a producer?

Divorced? You had two wives

and left both of them for your assistant.

And what, you...? You tell young girls

you're gonna put them in movies?

You don't have any movies to put them in.

You're a loser."

- And the light turned green and he...

- [audience laughs]

The light turned green and he drove off.

That's what you do at green lights,

you drive away.

So, as he drives off, he screams,

"You're crazy." And I was like:

[gasps, then exhales]

And I screamed out of the...

Out of passenger seat sunroof:

"I'm not crazy.

I meditated today, motherf***er."

[audience laughing, then cheering]

Thank you.

Which is an ancient chant from the Buddha.

So... But then I thought...

My adrenaline's going, I'm shaking.

And I went, "Holy sh*t, all this happened

and I meditated today.

What if I hadn't, you know?"

[audience laughs]

And just a little lesson for you guys,

do not call a woman crazy

unless you wanna see a woman

go f***ing crazy, okay? Just don't.

Save yourselves. If you wanna see...

If you wanna tell a woman she's crazy,

just call her calm.

It'll just throw us off

and the whole thing's dissipated. Just go,

"Hey, you're being really calm right now."

"Oh, thank you. A psychic told me

I was calm once. Thanks.

What were we fighting about?

I didn't even know."

So... I'm driving and I'm like:

"Okay, just calm down.

Adrenaline's coming down."

I get to the next stoplight.

This stoplight never changes.

The guy is there again and I'm like,

"Okay, don't start anything, Jen.

Stay in your lane

and, literally, do not be or seem crazy."

So, I put on some music

and I'm bopping around happy as can be.

"Look at me, I'm not crazy at all.

I wasn't just screaming,

'I meditated, motherf***er.'

I am fun and happy."

And he's kind of looking at me

and he yells into my car,

"Hey... sorry about your mom."

And I'm like,

"Oh, f***, I forgot my mom died."

And so, you know...

I suddenly get real upset, I go:

"Oh, I know, it's been a tough morning.

So much paperwork."

What? I don't know... What is...?

Why would there be paperwork so soon,

an hour?

If it's real,

she lives in Boston, I live in L.A.,

she died an hour ago, there's paperwork,

have a fax machine

that's like, "Someone died, come on,"

you know.

And so, he looks at me and goes,

"Well, love, we got kind of heated,

but I hope you have a good day

whatever you're doing."

And I'm like, "You, too, man."

And he drives off and I start sobbing.

I'm like, "Oh, my God.

So full of emotion, you know. I don't know

if it's just my mom or just... I...

It just kind of... You know, I've talked

to two people this morning already

and I would never do that,

but that's the meditation,

it brings us together.

It's so powerful."

So, then I parked the car.

I'm no longer crying, or passionate,

or crazy,

or condescending because I'm meditating.

And I walk in into this meeting,

introduce myself, we have a chitchat,

they're gonna pay me,

I'm gonna do the job, I nailed it.

I'm like,

"I shouldn't be allowed to do that.

I should not be allowed to act normal

'cause I was acting like a maniac."

How come they don't have to know

what I was doing.

You're allowed into a building

and be whatever you want

even though you were screaming.

I can't believe we do that, but we do.

I'm like, "But registered sex offenders

don't get to do that."

I feel like, I should...

When I get crazy like that,

I should be treated

like a registered sex offender.

Like, they have to go door-to-door.

"I'm your neighbor.

I have things in my past."

Like, I should have go to a meeting,

like, "Hello, I'm a nice person,

but I just screamed, 'I meditated today, '

in the middle of the road and..."

But I got away with it.

It's like...

If you've ever been going to a party

and you're in the car with your partner

and just... You hate them and you're like:

"That outfit doesn't match.

What's so funny is you talk

about how much you love your mom

and she used to put you in these outfits.

She f***ing sucked

at teaching you how to dress.

Oh, yeah, I am gonna start in on your mom.

Oh, yeah, I am. Oh, yes, I am.

Oh, no. No, don't even... No, no, no.

Know what?

I wanna go to this party for five minutes

and I don't wanna look at you.

They're my friends, not yours."

Then you walk in, "Hey,

I brought muffins," and you're like...

You wanna stay all night.

"Aren't we having fun?"

He's in the corner

and your friends are like:

"Isn't she great?"

And he's like, "She's f***ing great."

And you get back in the car

and you forget about the fight from before

and you're like,

"Weren't those muffins great? I'm great."

And he's just looking at you like,

"Shut up. I know who you really are."

[sighs]

I know you can probably sense

I'm a bit of a badass. Um...

Not... I don't mean because of that story,

but you can tell I have a tattoo.

I know you can.

Um...

I have... Not everyone gets one, you know.

There's badasses

and the rest of you and, um...

But I have a tattoo

and I'm only gonna have one.

I think the whole tattoo thing

is a lot like kids.

Like, first of all, some people want one,

some people want none,

some people want a bunch, like...

And it's all over their arms

and it looks like a lot of work. But...

But you go to a place, you lay down,

there's a lot of pain and you're like:

"God, I hope I love it. It is permanent."

So...

So, I'm having a tattoo

instead of a child.

And... So, for me,

I'm one of the one-and-doner types.

So, you know that my tattoo

has to be very meaningful, right? If...

If you've ever thought about getting

a tattoo, you think about it for a while.

"I don't wanna get something dumb. I have

to have something that means something."

And I've been waiting my whole life

to find something succinct

that means something

that I can put on my body permanently.

I thought of something

a couple of years ago and I was like:

"Don't do it, give it another year

and if you're still thinking about it,

do it." That's what I did.

And I was inspired by my friend

who got a tattoo of her grandfather's name

on her wrist and his birthday

because he has an amazing story, so...

My... My friend's grandfather

survived the Holocaust

because he was a Nazi.

But...

No, that's... Okay.

Sorry.

That...

That's just a fun joke. That is not...

I didn't set you guys up,

there really is a story about my friend.

I just had to throw in because he was...

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