Jen Kirkman: Just Keep Livin? Page #3

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My friend's grandfather

survived the Holocaust.

And my friend, just like her father

and her father's father,

and like many of us in this country,

suffers from depression and anxiety.

And the story he would tell

was the survival story of his mind.

When he was in the camps,

he would say a prayer of gratitude to God

and say, "I don't...

If this has to end this way, fine,

but thank you for making me me

and not one of the evil people.

Thank you for putting love in my heart."

And that is mind-blowing.

Of course you put that guy's name

on your wrist.

The most beautiful story I've heard.

And I don't have anyone in my family

like that.

I...

I come from a family of Catholic people

from Boston

and we don't talk to God like that.

We don't like God. We are mad at God

and we assume he's mad at us.

"Jennifer, why would you have gratitude

for a bad thing that happened?

That means God's mad... Mad at you.

He's punishing you.

Jennifer, why would you have gratitude

for God being so mean to you?

Maybe he'll think you like it there

and he'll keep you in there.

We're not bothering God

with all this gratitude

unless something good happens.

Nothing bad's ever happened in our family,

but it could

and we're gonna complain in advance

and we're gonna stay vigilant.

So, no tattoos

of anything our family said, please."

So, I had to go elsewhere.

So, I'll show you my... My tattoo...

and then I'll explain.

- [man yells]

- Thank you.

It's on my ankle. It's on my ankle.

It says, "JKL,"

which stands for JK living,

which stands for just keep living,

which is Matthew McConaughey's

catchphrase.

Thank you.

This tattoo

could not be less ironic at all.

I mean it with all my heart.

Just keep living... inspires me.

And I'm not suicidal.

But I am a soul trapped in a body.

I didn't ask to be born

and I'm afraid to die.

And that's the sh*t I live in every day.

And so...

- [audience cheering]

- [man] Yeah.

I love what you get excited about.

"Yeah, that's right. We're trapped!"

Before you judge, or if you think I'm just

some shallow Hollywood person. No, no, no.

There's a story behind "just keep living."

Just like my friend had a story

behind her tattoo of her grandfather.

So, I'm at the nail salon

and I'm having a bad day...

but I don't know why I'm having a bad day.

I just don't feel good.

Physically, I feel fine.

Mentally, not into it.

So, I'm scrolling through

People magazine

and I see an article

about Matthew McConaughey.

Well, he had a tough day once, too.

I'm not sure why you're laughing.

This is very serious.

He was filming Dazed and Confused

and he knew he was going to be a big star,

but his father is dying, so, he was like:

"Something good and something bad

is happening at the same time.

Well, I guess I better just keep living."

And then that became his catchphrase.

And I see

you're not as moved to silence by it

as you were the Holocaust story.

And that's fine.

Different things for different people.

The thing about this tattoo

is it's in an inconvenient place.

If my friend is having a bad day,

she can remind herself,

"Not as bad as my grandfather had it,"

by going like this.

I have to be like:

"I will board this plane in a minute,

I'm having a bad day,

and I need a reminder...

Go... Go ahead. Go. Go ahead."

People say things about tattoos like,

"You're gonna regret it. It looks dumb."

I'm like, "It looks dumb now,

I'm all set. Thank you."

I got the, uh... I actually got the tattoo

on my birthday last year.

Didn't do anything fun for my birthday

this year. Got a gift from mom.

It wasn't my only gift,

but she handed me this piece of paper.

[chuckles] Um...

She does that now

that she's getting older.

I don't know if she's made a will,

but she seems to send me things

and hand me things whenever I see her

and it's always a dramatic speech.

"Jennifer, I had to give this to you

because if I die

how would you know I had it?"

I go, "I'm gonna ransack the house.

Yeah, I'll get everything, don't worry."

But she give me this thing

and it is as old as I am.

It is 42 years old.

It is the piece of paper they gave her

when she left the hospital with me

when I was a little baby.

I know, so cute. I was 7 and a half pounds

when I was born. So thin.

Now I am 42 years old

and I've been over this before,

you know, when we talk about

complimenting women and men, too,

of telling people they look young.

It's a scary thing.

Do not do this to people, okay?

Stop complimenting people by saying,

"You don't look your age." Don't do that.

I don't like

when women in their 20s are like:

"Oh, my God, I thought you were my age."

Not a compliment. I've been in my 20s.

I don't wanna look like

I have four roommates and shitty towels.

I don't wanna look like that. So...

- [audience cheering]

- Thank you.

I'm the only one I know that loves

being called "ma'am." I love it. I...

Whenever someone goes,

"Your change, ma'am,"

I'm like, "You noticed. Thank you. Yeah.

I have had a really rich and storied life.

Yeah. I, um...

No, I've got time to tell you.

I had a pager, sure, yeah. I...

I was a cashier before scan technology,

made change in my head.

And I was around when Bruce Willis

thought he should record an R&B album.

So, yeah.

Survivor, seen a lot. Thanks."

Anyways, my mom gives me this.

This is all they gave you in the '70s

when you had a child,

a living thing that you had

to take care of. Not even 8-by-10.

"Here you go. Bye."

This I found very strange.

It says, "Friends and relatives,

these people are interested in your baby."

Oh, thank you.

"And they want to hold and hug him."

Oh, they didn't have girls in the '70s.

"We must caution you

to keep visitors away from your baby.

The newborn baby is best kept

as much to himself as possible."

Which is different than now.

I go to my friends' houses, they're like:

"Look at the baby, swaddle the baby,

you can breastfeed the baby. It's fine."

But in the '70s, it's just like,

"Joyce, didn't you have a baby?"

"Yeah, three months ago."

"Where is he?" "He's in the other room.

We haven't taken him out yet.

You know, they say, the doctor says

too much looking, and touching,

and fussing, it...

It can lead to a sense of well-being,

so we don't want that, we're just gonna...

Don't look at him."

But...

This is my favorite part, we might have to

go over it twice if there's any confusion.

It explains crying. Why does a baby cry?

Well, he's too hot, he's too hungry,

he's too thirsty. We got it.

Here's one.

"If it is less than three hours

from the feeding,

check to make sure

there are no pins sticking in him.

And change him."

So, I'll explain for anyone very young.

Velcro, although invented in the '40s,

was something they didn't put on diapers.

I don't know

if they didn't put it on diapers.

We didn't have Velcro diapers

in the '70s in my house.

Whenever we didn't have something,

we were told it wasn't invented yet.

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