Jen Kirkman: Just Keep Livin? Page #4

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I'd be like, "Can we get a microwave?"

My parents were like, "Not invented yet."

I'm like, "Oh, my God, I must be

so genius. How did I know there was...?"

But we... We did not have Velcro diapers.

Back then, you'd wear a cloth diaper and

then they'd put safety pins to keep it on.

So, that's fine.

Make sure no pins are sticking in him.

But why must you wait three hours?

Can't you...?

Can't you feed the baby,

put him down in the other room

where no friends or family can see him...

If five minutes goes by, can you check

and see if there's no pins in him?

If there aren't, then go,

"I guess he's gonna cry for a while."

But, no, this says three hours.

You could see a movie in three hours.

But you don't have a VCR back then.

So, you have to go to a movie

and you can come all the way back,

and have 15 minutes left

before you check on your kid.

"Should we check on him?" "It says three

hours. We don't wanna be smothering."

"You're right, we got 15. Make me a drink,

then we'll go in, I'm gonna..." So...

I basically know

that I was just thrown in another room

with pins sticking in me growing up.

Which is why I'm so comfortable

being alone and I do a acupuncture.

But, um...

I travel alone,

I went to Italy by myself this year.

And it invoked a lot of reactions

from people.

You would have thought I said,

"I started a race riot this year."

People were like, "What? You did what?"

People are very freaked out

with being alone.

Like, I love being alone.

I think it's great.

People are like, "How do you do it?"

How do I decide that I don't like other

people and make sure I'm not around them?

Pretty easy. People are like:

"I don't even wanna go

to the movies alone."

Why would you wanna go

with another person?

What can you do at the movies

with another person

besides jerk them off or something?

There's nothing to do at the movies.

And I'm a grown woman.

I don't care if people think

I'm a loser for being alone.

I was excited for this trip before people

started putting a damper on it.

My dad was saying,

"Aren't you afraid of ISIS?

ISIS is everywhere. Be afraid of ISIS."

I was like, "Who... I'm a woman.

I don't have time to be afraid of ISIS.

I'm just busy being afraid of

plain old men. Are you kidding me?"

You ever walked by a bar at 1 a.m. when

dudes in baseball hats are getting out?

F*** ISIS. ISIS are adorable.

ISIS have costumes and beards,

look like bartenders.

ISIS, they're not...

I'm not afraid of them at all.

So...

I'm packing for my trip and I'm thinking

like, "Where should I go?"

Like, you know, I'm making list of, like,

where I'm gonna see and what I'm gonna do.

Then I Googled just at the last minute,

'cause I booked a trip to Venice.

I just Googled,

"What are the safest places in Italy

where woman don't get raped?"

- [man] Oh!

- "Oh! Oh! She said rape."

Let me f***ing tell you something.

Rape exists, I'm gonna talk about it.

That's not a joke, that's a fact.

I looked that up

because I didn't wanna get raped.

I'll stop talking about rape

when men stop raping.

So, don't give me your little outrage,

"Ooh, oh, oh!"

- [audience cheering]

- So...

But it's true, there are websites

for this stuff. Well, it's just Yelp.

There should be... There should be "Relp"

for like, "Where will I get raped? Help."

And so you go on that website.

So... I felt very safe in Venice,

and if anyone cares I came out of it

unscathed, it was a very safe time.

But people were saying to me:

"Wouldn't you rather wait

and go with a man?"

Not for safety, just it's not fun to go,

I guess, without a man.

And I'm in a relationship

and that's what shocked people more.

"Why isn't he going?"

'Cause I'm a comedian, I happen

to be in Europe for some work anyway.

I thought I'd just jaunt over

to Italy for a couple days,

and he has a job

and so he can't just do that.

And they're like, "He's abusive."

I'm like, "No, no, he just...

He just has a different job,

and I have free time, and...

It'd be a waste to not go to Italy,

it's just two hours away."

And they're like,

"He should be by your side for this."

I'm like, "It's not chemo.

I'm just going on a trip.

I'm just going on a trip.

It's all good, they have food there,

they have wine,

they have people that talk,

it's just like here, it's just like here."

But I don't understand.

Obviously, you wanna sometimes

spend time with your partner.

But traveling... Why risk the relationship?

Why travel with a partner, right?

I went to Paris once with my husband.

Guess what, now he's my ex-husband. It...

You don't have to travel

with your partner.

It's the time that you see them

24 hours a day

and everything they do, you're like:

"Why are you walking on the plane

using your legs? God!"

[groans]

When you travel alone, you can eat

with your hands. I don't mean pizza.

I was eating a salad.

I would rub it on. It was great.

The only thing that sucked about my trip,

and I hate to complain

about such a privileged thing

as to go Italy by myself,

is that I booked a walking tour

'cause I love that stuff.

And I booked the ghost tours of Venice,

which I thought was gonna be so fun.

I was reading the website,

people were leaving comments.

"It was so fun,

then a theater troupe jumped out at us

and they tried to scare us

and we saw sites where people

got slaughtered back in the 1700s,

we heard these crazy ghost stories

and we saw secret canals

and secret this and secret that."

And I was like,

"I want that. I want all the secrets."

So, I signed up for it.

And it was my last night in Venice.

And so at the last minute, I checked

my e-mail confirmation from the company.

And I had accidentally booked

a private tour.

And I was like, "No. No."

Thank you for understanding.

"I don't wanna walk alone with someone

for 90 minutes.

That's my worst nightmare."

And they make me meet him on the bridge,

like some romance story.

And he sees me and he goes,

"Is it just you?"

And I go, "Yeah."

And he goes,

"Oh, this breaks my heart."

And he was doing this big thing.

"I don't wanna give you

the ghost story tour.

Oh, it's too sad. You're alone in Venice.

Oh, no, no, no.

We do the love story tour."

I go, "I wanna see where people

got murdered.

Tell me about dead babies.

I wanna hear all kinds of crazy sh*t."

And he asked, "Where is the man?"

I don't know if he meant my boyfriend

or "the man" that's coming down on us.

I'm like, "If I knew where 'the man' was,

we'd all be free," right? And so...

I didn't know what he was talking about.

He was very concerned, I had to explain,

"I'm in a..." You know, like all walking

tours start this way, you explain.

You're in a relationship, very happy.

You're just taking sometime alone.

Don't worry.

And then I got down on my knees

and screamed:

"Why, God, I miss him!

I haven't seen a penis in a week!

Oh, God!"

But then we started the tour.

But when... The other problem...

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