Jen Kirkman: Just Keep Livin? Page #5

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Not just being a woman with a man.

When you're anybody with anybody,

when you're alone on a walking tour,

they can start taking advantage of you.

So, he was like, "Miss,

if you don't mind, I don't feel so much

like walking tonight."

I'm like, "You picked the wrong job."

He's like, "I'm a little tired.

It's been a hard day.

I am sad and it's hot.

Could we stand here?"

And so I said yes.

I stood under a bridge with a man

while he told me stories

that were not ghost stories

for 90 minutes, okay?

And I knew

the inevitable was gonna happen.

I knew it was gonna happen.

He asked me... why I was in Italy.

And I said, "For vacation."

He said, "But why alone?"

I said, "All right, I was in London

doing some work and I came here."

"What work do you do?"

And I...

I don't wanna tell him I'm a comedian.

You guys, you're nice to comedians

when we're on stage,

but in real life,

people say awful things to us.

They find we're comedians

they're like, "You don't seem funny."

"I'm getting my f***ing colon removed,

that's why."

So...

I always have a lie whenever I check-in

to a hotel, get into an Uber.

"What brings you to town?" Shuts them up.

"My friend's having an abortion.

I had to come right in.

And it's a guy

so it's a weird procedure,

so just please leave me alone.

I don't wanna..."

So, I just tell him I'm a comedian

and then he goes:

"Madam, this is not a provocation...

but your life

does not seem interesting enough

that you have to go around the world

and tell it."

[audience groans]

And he's right, isn't he?

And that was how the tour ended

is he said "not a provocation"

and then gave me big old provocation.

And then he did one nice thing.

I was trying to look at the positive,

I'm a meditator.

Is he took me to an Italian restaurant.

Obviously, I was in Italy.

He took me to a restaurant,

I don't have to say Italian restaurant.

"Is this here an Italian restaurant

or what?"

So, he took me...

He took me to a restaurant.

He didn't sit with me,

he just brought me there.

And I was actually very grateful

because it was on the Grand Canal

and if you've ever been to anywhere,

you sometimes don't know

what's the authentic restaurant

and what is the cheesy tourist place.

And so, I said,

"I never would've picked this place.

I had no idea by looking

at the restaurants on the Grand Canal

what was authentic and what wasn't,

so, thank you for bringing me here."

Now he's standing over my table,

waiter is bringing the wine,

things are starting to happen and he says,

"May I tell you one more story, then?"

I go, "Okay."

He hadn't told me a ghost story yet,

so I was like, "Maybe this is it."

He goes, "You remind me,

there's a story about perception.

You bring up you don't know

what restaurant is good based on looks.

Isn't that life?

You don't know a man or a person,

just based on looking at them,

what's in their soul.

Maybe there's a man and he's fun

and he walks and he tells the stories.

But then maybe he goes home

and he kills himself."

"Is that it?" He goes, "Yes."

I go, "Okay, well, have a good night.

Thanks for the tour."

What...?

"Just keep living."

I was annoyed

because he never told the horror story.

He only told me the love story.

I was like, "Oh, that's so... I don't...

Not everyone's meant for this world.

Whatever he wants, I don't care."

But I thought, maybe I should complain.

Like, I don't wanna get him fired,

but I wanna complain

and get my money back

and then just have the manager

just tell everyone,

"Hey, you know, we can't mess around

with the tours.

Give people what they want." So, maybe,

what if I call the manager right now?

What if she was like, "Sergio?

He did not meet you on the bridge at 7."

I'd be like, "He did."

She'd be like, "Oh, no, ma'am,

at 6:
30 he killed himself."

I'd be like, "Oh, my God,

that was the greatest ghost tour ever!"

Yes. Now you like a suicide joke

when it has a little punch to it, right?

So, you know, I'm a hypochondriac,

but not...

I don't invent things.

It's just that when something happens,

I think it's worst than it is, right?

I had an incident with my doctor

six months ago...

where she told me I couldn't come back

for a year even if I really was dying.

Because I had

such a hypochondriacal episode...

and made an ass of myself.

Now, I wanna tell you the story,

but it's gonna be filmed...

and now a clich is gonna be stuck on me.

Because the story also involves my period.

And people have a problem

when women talk about their periods.

"People." Men.

So...

the common wisdom that people say

is women aren't funny.

Okay, great.

I can't do anything about that.

If you don't think I'm funny,

check out other women, right?

"Women" is not a type of comedy.

"Women" is a type of person.

I think women are people, I'm not sure.

Anyway, but...

Let's take apart why it's so difficult

to talk about a period.

I think sometimes people just don't know

what a period is.

And so, a man doesn't wanna hear about it

because he's like:

"I feel stupid. I don't know what it is."

And no problem.

They didn't explain it to us either.

I turned 11, mother said,

"You're gonna get your period."

"What's that?"

"A thing you're gonna get."

"When?" "Anytime between now

and the next seven years." "Oh, God."

And then you're just walking to school

like, "Gonna get my period.

What's my period? Comes out of here.

Do I have it? Can anyone see?"

And so, it's... It's...

Here's what a period is.

Let's start with education

and get to the fun story

about hypochondria and my period, right?

Here we go. In case anyone

doesn't know what a period is,

every month a woman sheds the interior

of her uterine lining

because she's not pregnant,

because she's a dirty, dirty whore...

who didn't do the one thing

God put her on earth to do,

which is make a baby.

And that's her three-

to-five-day punishment.

So... that's what a period is.

Now...

I think men can handle that fact, right?

[clears throat]

And I'm not making fun of men. I mean, I...

The thing... Men aren't ever mean to us

about our periods when we talk about them.

They're never mean to us.

They just don't wanna hear it.

And I understand that

because the world caters to you

and you don't have to hear about anything

that you don't know about.

And that must be really scary

when you have to, so, we must...

We must be kind to men.

[audience cheering]

I don't like the old hacky thing of,

"If men had their periods,

they'd be like, 'Yeah, blood everywhere.

Gonna name a bar after it. Yeah...'"

You know.

Maybe that'd be true, maybe it wouldn't.

But I don't know if it'd be true

because if men

were the ones getting their periods,

then women would be the ones

not getting their periods.

And so, it would be unequal.

And I know what I'm like

when I don't understand things

in a man's body. Know what I mean?

Like, "Why do you have balls?"

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