Jen Kirkman: Just Keep Livin? Page #6

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"'Cause I have them." "Get rid of it."

Like, I'm not necessarily nice.

And so, I wonder what I would be like

if I had a boyfriend who got his period

because men get the periods

and I've never had one.

If I'm at dinner... and my boyfriend

comes out of the bathroom and he's like:

"Uh, Jen... we gotta go."

"Jonathan, we didn't order

an appetizer yet."

"Jen, I just got my period a day early

and I'm wearing white pants.

We gotta go. We gotta go."

"Uh, what do you mean

you got your period a day early?

Doesn't it come on the same day

every month? " " No, it's a hormonal thing,

it's irregular. I can't control it."

"Oh, I can't control my body.

Oh, it's hormones made me do it.

Come on, you can control it."

"Jen, I can't."

"They have tampons in the bathroom?"

"No, they're out and I... So, we gotta go."

"You have a tampon in your purse,

Jonathan?"

"No, I forgot."

"Jonathan, how many times have I told you

be a f***ing man

and keep a tampon in your purse

in case... you get your period early.

And why wear white pants

anywhere near the week

of your expected period?

God, what...? How long

have you been getting this, 20 years now?

Why can't you do this, Jonathan?

You can leave. I'm eating here.

We've had this reservation for two weeks.

Leave, I'm staying.

Go. Tie your jacket around your waist,

Jonathan. Everyone can see your period."

Then I call my friend,

"I'm at a restaurant alone.

Yeah. But Jonathan got his period.

No, of course he didn't.

He didn't know it was coming, no.

He never knows.

Oh, like Jonathan had a tampon.

Are you crazy?

We're talking about Jonathan. He's the...

I don't know if I can be with him

'cause if he can't plan for himself, then,

like, how can he plan for me, you know?"

So, that might be what women are like

if men got their periods.

Here's what happened to me.

Now, my period comes

on the same day every month.

Never been early, never been late.

I don't get cramps. Thank you.

So...

One morning...

when I was 41 and a half years old

and really feeling it...

just thinking about it,

God... almost 50.

I mean, not really,

but... closer than I was when I was 13.

Right?

I woke up in the morning

and I went to the ladies' room.

There's not a ladies' room in my house.

It's not like ladies, men, wheelchair,

you know, it's... I went... I was going pee.

And I looked at my underwear

and there were some fresh drops of blood.

Now, again... it was two weeks

from when I was supposed to get my period.

And this

was not uterine lining-looking blood.

This was prick-your-finger fresh blood.

It actually looked like the blood...

that my roommate's cat had

years and years ago.

When I was just a young thing

with a roommate in Brooklyn

and she had a dying cat.

And the cat dragged its body

across the floor

as little drops of blood came out

because the cat's kidneys were failing.

That's right. And my roommate

had to put the cat in a cage

and the cat got put down that day,

the same day that the blood drops

appeared in the morning.

And I looked at myself and I went,

"Today is the day I will be put down.

I don't have a human-sized cage

and I live alone.

I knew if I didn't start a family

this would happen,

but I'll have to put myself down.

I will call the vet

and I will make an appointment."

Because I knew that's internal bleeding.

My kidneys are failing.

I have internal bleeding.

But before I freaked out,

I checked my vagina for glass.

And so I just wanted to make sure...

Because I take sleeping pills sometimes,

you can sleepwalk on those.

I wanted to make sure

that in the middle of the night

I didn't start sleepwalking,

then get into a bar fight,

break a bottle, and then put it in me

and you go, "Come at me!"

So...

I called friends, I'm like,

"Did I get in a bar fight with my vagina?"

They're like, "I don't think so."

I was like, "Thanks.

The bad news is then

I must be put down today.

It's internal bleeding.

I'm gonna call my doctor."

So, I called. I said, "I have to come in.

I have internal bleeding."

I get there, she puts me in the stirrups,

which is stupid.

I'm like, "This isn't a period thing.

Do an x-ray. I have internal bleeding.

My kidneys are failing. Rapidly. Come on."

She looks up and goes,

"Jen, this is your period."

I go, "No, it isn't."

And she goes, "Yes, it is."

"It's not supposed to be here for

two weeks." She goes, "Two weeks early."

I go, "Well, I want a second opinion."

She goes,

"What do you want a second opinion about?"

I said,

"I still think this is internal bleeding."

And she said, "It's not."

And I said, "How do you know?"

And she said, "Because you're seeing

the blood externally."

"Oh, that's such a f***ing amazing point.

I never thought about that.

That's why people die

from internal bleeding,

because they don't see the blood.

Okay, I got it.

Good. All right. I am stupid."

She looked at me and went, "Are you okay?"

And I went,

"I don't think so. No, I don't..."

And like a child being handed a toothbrush

by a dentist, she just handed me a tampon

and was like, "Get out of here."

And, um...

Now, the worst part is, I have

a subscription for tampons on Amazon.

And I keep forgetting to cancel it,

and so every month, I get so many tampons.

And I have a closet filled with them.

They will outlive me.

I will not... I will be in menopause

before them. I'll be dead.

I will one day be in a chair,

no blood left in my body, like:

"I haven't even seen blood on a tooth,

let alone this."

I have no kids,

I have no one to give them to.

I'm the weird lady at Halloween every year

where it's like, "Trick or treat."

And I'm like, "You'll be a woman someday.

Yes, take this."

Even you, little boy, you never know.

Take it, take it. Take it, everybody."

It's amazing what we don't know about

our bodies, we don't think about things.

Like, I was taught nothing

about my body growing up.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was

basically almost 22 years old,

which I have a lot of shame about.

I think it's kind of old, kind of dorky.

And even the person I lost my virginity to

does not know that he took it,

'cause I had to lie that I lost it

at age 16 under a creeping willow tree.

You get real detailed

when you lied about stuff, right?

I lost my virginity at age 21, but, like,

almost 22, like, 21 and 11 months.

And it wasn't 'cause I was a prude.

I wanted to lose my virginity.

It had always been my life's goal

ever since I was a little girl.

Just grow up someday

and lose my virginity.

And the thing that stopped me...

It was a Catholic thing.

Well, first of all, I didn't really

understand even what sex was, right?

I mean, I had sex education,

as we all did.

They didn't, like, teach you how to f***,

it was just like...

They never said anything about, like,

making love and sensuality, and...

There's never gay people involved.

It was just a man lays next to a woman,

they get pregnant.

I was like, "Why would anyone do that?"

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