Jen Kirkman: Just Keep Livin? Page #7

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And so...

Single bed for life, right? And so...

All we had in sex education for the girls,

we had a big poster of fallopian tubes.

And I was like, "Those are inside of me?"

They looked giant, like, "Why aren't they

coming out my mouth?" It was just like...

And there was just a vagina right there

with an egg right here.

Looked like a ball in a catcher's mitt.

It looked like the egg is always there,

like, "Let's play ball.

Impregnate me.

Come on, we'll go around the bases."

And then for the boys,

they just had a poster of sperm.

And they taught us

in one little drop of semen

there's billions and billions of sperm.

I was like, "Okay."

That's all I remembered.

As I got to be a teenager,

my mother was like:

"Never have sex,

you'll get pregnant every time."

And I was like, but I think she's right

'cause I thought back to those two signs,

the egg waiting and ready

and then billions and billions of sperm.

What are the odds? A billion to one.

You're going to have a baby, right?

I was like, "How come women just have one?

How come they're aren't like:"

[exhaling rapidly]

Like, why aren't babies

just, like, spilling out of everybody?

Like, there's billions and billions

of sperm and one egg.

So, I didn't wanna... I didn't wanna,

you know, lose my virginity so fast.

It was the Catholic Church's fault.

Like, now, I'm cool with Jesus.

I knew Jesus didn't mind if I had sex

'cause Jesus loved whores, right?

It's in the Bible.

He hung out with prostitutes,

they were his favorite people.

When he was fed up with the apostles,

"Where are my prostitutes?"

"We're here."

He'd be like, "We're not gonna write

about you in the Bible."

And then he was friends with them.

So, I knew that once I had sex,

I would just confess to Jesus,

"I had sex." He'd be like, "I love that."

I'd be like, "Just telling you."

- And so that would be fine.

- [audience laughs]

What I was afraid of

was getting pregnant.

Obviously, I didn't want

to be a teenage mother or a mother period.

I knew if I got pregnant,

I would have to have an abortion

and I was very afraid of abortion

because of church.

Not 'cause of Jesus,

but because of the priest at church.

Every single sermon the priest

at my church did were about abortion.

Even though it was not in the Bible

that day, you know.

They would be like,

"Merry Christmas, everybody.

And we are here 'cause Mary had a baby.

She kept it even though she didn't know

who the f*** gave it to her.

And we will celebrate Mary.

She didn't have an abortion

like you girls who go to the clubs

and use it as birth control.

Then if you had an abortion,

you go to hell.

If you know someone

that's had an abortion, you go to hell.

Guys, don't worry. We'll high-five you.

You got a woman pregnant.

But the women are going to hell."

And I was like,

"I don't wanna go to hell."

I decided I'm never gonna get pregnant

and the easiest way to do that

is to never have sex.

And I really didn't understand

what an abortion was.

I didn't know

it was a safe medical procedure

that prevents a pregnancy

from becoming a pregnancy.

I thought you carried a baby to full term

and then in a doctor's office,

they, like, shot it in the head.

You know, I was like,

"I'm not doing that."

[audience laughing]

I'm not judging, but I'm not doing that.

[audience laughs]

So, instead of sex...

Instead of sex,

I was the girl who loved being fingered.

I loved fingering. Loved?

I still love it. I love fingering.

I am bringing back fingering.

It's amazing. Do it to everybody.

It's not just for... It's not just

for kids. It's like sugar cereal.

Adults can enjoy it, too. It's wonderful.

You're going right to the source.

Greatest feeling on Earth.

And so... I had a lovely boyfriend

who used to finger me.

And the first time I ever got fingered...

Oh, my God.

I mean, I touched myself before,

but when you get to go hands free,

it's like, "Whee!" It's so exciting.

And the feeling was so powerful

that after I got fingered,

every moment after that

that I wasn't getting fingered,

I was in a deep, dark depression.

[audience laughs]

That's why when you see

Goth girls walking around,

they're not trying to get attention,

they're upset.

They got fingered once

and haven't been fingered since.

They're like, "It's so dark. Everything

is horrible. I don't feel anything."

So, anyway...

My boyfriend usually went first on me

'cause he was a good guy.

But this one time

I wanted to return the favor.

And so I took my two dry hands,

and I rubbed his penis up and down

like you do, and it almost caught on fire.

- And...

- [audience laughs]

So, like a skilled firefighter,

he grabbed it like a hose

- and was like, "I got this," you know.

- [audience laughs]

And he came on his hand

like a young man of 17 does,

wiped it on his T-shirt in the basement

and then he kindly went in

to return the favor.

All I saw on that finger...

I couldn't see it,

but I knew it was there.

Billions and billions of sperm.

I didn't wanna be like:

"Can you wash your hands?

I'm not ready to become a mother."

'Cause that's dorky, right?

Then I was like,

"You can't get pregnant from fingering.

They would've told us.

They would've told us that in school.

Unless they don't know what this is,

and we just invented it."

[audience laughs]

I was like, "I need that good feeling,"

so I let it happen.

No consequences. I didn't care.

I woke up in the middle of the night

and put my hand on my stomach

- and I felt a heartbeat and I was like:

- [audience laughs]

"Oh, my God. I'm a mother."

[audience laughs]

I was so dumb.

I didn't know that you could feel a pulse

anywhere else but your wrist.

That was the first time I had noticed

a pulse anywhere else in my body.

And I thought I'd grown a baby

in four hours.

I was like, "Whoo! That happens fast.

No wonder this abortion

is such a hot topic.

[audience laughs]

There is a living, breathing person

in there."

Well, I couldn't tell my mom.

She'd kill me.

I didn't have the Internet back then,

not just 'cause my mom wouldn't let me,

it wasn't invented yet, okay?

So, all I had was a typewriter,

and you can't ask your typewriter:

"Can I get fingered,

and then get pregnant from that?"

'Cause your typewriter just has a piece

of paper looking back at you, like:

"I don't know if you can get pregnant.

I'm a typewriter."

So, you're just stuck.

It's a standstill, right?

So, I had to go... to the library.

[audience laughs]

And I couldn't ask the librarian

because she was a friend of my mom.

I couldn't be like, "I got finger-blasted.

What do you think, baby or no?"

So, I had to take a walk

to the card catalog.

Which if you're younger

and you don't know,

it's what we had before the Internet

at the library.

It's a catalog filled with cards.

And in it are cards that have the name

of every book in the library.

Now, as years go by

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