Jen Kirkman: Just Keep Livin? Page #8

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and more information is out there,

they keep jamming more cards

in the catalog.

They don't get extra catalogs, no, no.

Just shove it in the one.

You put your finger in and take a risk.

You might not get your finger back.

Like, "Aah!"

And so I had to look

for books about pregnancy.

Now, again, the card catalog

is not on alphabetical order. No, no, no.

It is in something

called the Dewey Decimal System,

which is a complicated series of numbers

that librarians have to go to college

to learn.

But they throw it in the lobby at us,

like, "You'll figure it out."

And so... I find books on pregnancy

and, you know, of course, it doesn't

just say pregnancy and then aisle P.

No, I have to memorize, like, 12 numbers.

And so, back then we used to be smart.

We could memorize 12 numbers.

We didn't have to take a picture

or anything.

- And so...

- [audience laughs]

Then I walked all the way back...

to the shelves.

I didn't give example of 12-number thing

'cause I'm too stupid now.

There was no book What to Expect If You're

Expecting 'Cause You've Been Fingered,

so I was like, "Argh!"

[audience laughs]

So, I just didn't do anything.

If I had been pregnant,

it would've been like those TV shows

where I just have it in a toilet.

[audience laughs]

But nine months later, when no baby came,

I was like, "I must have miscarried.

So tragic, but so right for me, you know."

[audience laughing]

So, then I found out.

I found out all the facts.

The egg's not sitting there,

it only comes once in a while.

And if you use condoms

it's 99.9 percent effective.

I was like,

"I gotta lose my virginity then."

But my boyfriend and I had broken up

and I was about to go to college,

I was like, "How am I gonna

lose my virginity now?

I don't know anyone at college yet. What,

am I gonna walk in and go to a guy and go,

"Wanna have sex?" They have to be in love

before they do that.

[audience laughing]

I didn't know anything.

And then I thought,

"Wait, how am I gonna get a guy

to be interested in me

unless he thinks I'm experienced?

No guy wants to sleep with a virgin."

- [woman laughs loudly]

- [audience laughs]

I didn't know that either.

So, I spread a rumor about myself.

[audience laughs]

I told everyone that at age 18,

entering college in 1992,

that I had already f***ed ten guys.

That's a lot, ten guys.

I mean, not now, but then.

That was a lot. Ten guys at 18 was a lot.

Some people don't have ten people

in their town. Ten guys.

[audience laughs]

And 1992 was an innocent, innocent time.

Beverly Hills, 90210, Brenda and Dylan,

they waited a year

to lose their virginity to each other.

Dylan was an alcoholic

who lived by himself. He was a virgin.

It was an innocent time.

[audience laughs]

So, no guys wanted to have sex with me

because they thought I had an STD

because I'd f***ed ten guys.

And so, I went year after year after year

not getting laid

until I met someone who transferred

into my college my senior year

and he hadn't heard the rumors

and I didn't tell him.

We had sex, it was fun, it was fine.

I don't remember every detail

'cause it was long ago, but it was lovely.

And I walked home that day,

just, you know, listening to my Discman,

listening to Madonna,

you know, Bedtime Stories album. I'm like,

"I get it. I'm sexual, too, Madge."

- And, um...

- [audience laughs]

But something stopped me dead

as I was walking

and I was like,

"Wait a minute, my hymen didn't break."

That's another thing they teach us girls.

We have a hymen. It's a piece of skin

that's somewhere in our vagina

and a penis pokes it

and we bleed and get sheets dirty

and we suck, f*** you, you're dumped.

- So, now...

- [audience laughs]

my hymen didn't break

and I was like, "Uh-oh.

I hope my hymen didn't get pushed up

into my body

and now it's strangling,

you know, my internal organs."

[audience laughs]

I don't even know what a hymen is.

How strong is it? How does it work?

And I was like, "I gotta go to a doctor."

And so, I went to the school nurse,

but I didn't wanna act

like I just lost my virginity,

so, I tried to play it all "cas."

I walked in, I was like,

"Hey, quick question.

- Um...

- [audience laughs]

When I lost my virginity,

whenever that was...

- uh...

- [audience laughs]

my hymen didn't break.

What's up with that?"

[audience laughs]

She was like,

"That's an old wive's tale.

It's fine. If you've used a tampon

or ridden a horse or took a dance class

it can stretch, it can break."

I go:

"Okay, it can't get shoved up

and start strangling your organs?"

"No, it's a tissue."

"Can it get wadded up and...?"

- "No, not a tissue. Like, it's a..."

- [audience laughs]

I go, "Oh, okay, okay."

She looks at my chart like,

"About to turn 22." She goes:

"So, you didn't just lose your virginity,

did you?" "No, I f***ed like ten guys."

And that's when I got my first STD test.

- So...

- [audience laughs]

So, I'm in a relationship,

and I don't have jokes about it

because it's a nice story.

I'm with someone that I love a lot,

we've known each other for a long time...

And look at you get quiet.

No one likes nice things, I understand.

[audience laughs]

But there was a time in my life

when I was what I call "single" single,

when I was like,

"God, like, no one seems to like me."

I wasn't getting picked

and I didn't like how it felt.

And I read a self-help book that was like,

take yourself on a self date.

And so, I did that.

And I would sit at bars

and... guys would come up and go,

"Can I sit here?" I go, "No.

[audience laughs]

I'm also sitting there, please stop.

[audience laughs]

I'm on a... I'm on a date with myself,

so, would you please?"

I started saying bullshit things,

you know, after reading these books, like,

"You know what? Gonna take some time.

Can't love someone till you love yourself,

you know?" What bullshit.

You can love someone

when you don't love yourself.

- What a fun distraction, right? So...

- [audience laughs]

But my friend did this.

She decided to have a party.

She called it Facebook in Real Life.

And she invited a bunch of people...

[audience laughing]

Really good idea. She invited people

that sort of know each other.

You could vouch for someone

if you don't know them well.

So, you could be like, "Oh, hey,

John's fun. He's a murderer, though.

Don't go home with him,

but fun at parties. Okay."

They're like, "Oh, cool."

I met this guy, really nice guy.

He was age appropriate,

we got each other's numbers,

started texting.

We liked the same things,

talked about the same stuff.

He didn't send a dick pic,

nothing inappropriate.

I felt respected and then, you know,

after a couple of weeks,

he asked me to go have wine with him.

I was like, "We're going on date."

We're sitting there

and drinking and talking.

I'm not getting a vibe

he wants to sleep with me,

but I'm like,

"I'll loosen him up a little."

Waitress comes and she's like,

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