Jen Kirkman: Just Keep Livin? Page #9

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"Want a third?"

We do that dance you do when you,

"I don't normally drink more than two.

Do you? I don't. I could if you...

I... You will? I'll have one, yeah.

We're gonna f***.

Yeah, we're gonna f***.

- Bring a third."

- [audience laughing]

So, she brings the third.

As I'm taking a sip, he's like,

"Anyway, my girlfriend..."

I'm like, "Pfft! Your f***ing what?

- What kind of sh*t is this?"

- [audience laughs]

I don't say that, but...

No, I act interested.

I'm like, "Tell me about your girlfriend?"

- And...

- [audience laughs]

Nothing wrong hanging out with a woman

if you have girlfriend.

Absolutely nothing.

I have tons of male friends.

But that's it, the door is shut.

Thank you, I have male friends.

I don't need any more.

I don't need any more.

I have plenty, right?

I didn't understand what his angle was.

I said, "Does your girlfriend get upset

that you go out with women?"

He goes, "Oh, no, she knows I love women.

I'm a male feminist."

I go, "'I'm a male feminist.'

Thanks so much for being on our side,

male f***ing..."

If I wanna f***ing drink wine

with a feminist, I'll stay home by myself

and I might even get laid. I...

[audience laughing]

And my fingers do not have billions

and billions of sperm.

I started to figure it out, like,

"I see how life is different.

I see how it's different." Back in the

day, men would marry the woman

that cooks and cleans and has the babies

and he starts to look at her

more like a mother.

So, he needs to get sex on the side.

Now, men are smart.

They live with the sex

and they want the brains on the side.

Well, me and all the other women

are not gonna be your mind whores, dude,

all right?

You're not gonna finger her

then come out, have a drink with me

and talk about documentaries

until midnight, you pig!

[audience laughing]

- Thank you.

- [audience applauds]

So... we're not friends anymore,

but I really...

[audience laughs]

I know it sounds like I hate men.

I really don't. I love men

and I look at them

the way I look at children,

which is like, "Oh, my God, for people

who don't know what you're doing,

you have so much energy about it,

you know."

- [audience laughing]

- But... the... The one...

The one area that is really cool,

I like that people say they're feminist,

and it's like, you know, white people can

say they identify for Black Lives Matter,

and men can say they're feminist.

It's really cool. There's one area, though

that I don't know why we can't nip this,

it would be so quick and easy to do,

is street harassment.

It is still a thing

that we are shouting at some men

to understand, you know,

that it is a really serious scary thing.

And I feel like if you're going to yell

out of your car at a woman, commit to it.

Get an old-timey car with a horn

that's like, "Aooga!"

[audience laughs]

It's so stupid.

So, you know, mo... All of my guy friends

are not idiots, they do not act this way,

but I found out one of my friends

who I respect does this.

I'm like, "You street harass?"

"It's not harassment, it's a compliment."

And I go, "What kind of things do you do?"

"I've yelled, 'Nice tits.'"

"You yell 'Nice tits' at a woman?"

He goes, "Her tits were nice."

"I understand the inspiration behind that,

I'm just...

[audience laughs]

You can't do that to us.

It's... It's... It's scary."

He goes, "What's scary about 'Nice tits'?"

I go, "Well..."

He goes, "It's a compliment."

I go, "I get it. Let me take this apart.

I get on its face that 'nice tits, '

dictionary, technically a compliment, yes.

But we don't know, if we don't respond

the way that you want us to respond,

or if we don't respond at all,

'nice tits' can be followed up

with, 'F*** you, b*tch, '

and then we get scared."

And my friend goes, "Oh, I got it.

What if I just yell 'nice tits'

but don't yell 'f*** you, b*tch' after?"

- I'm like, "No, but we don't...

- [audience laughs]

We don't know. We don't know.

'Nice tits...'"

Compliments and murder

both start with compliments.

So, we don't know. We don't know.

We don't know

when someone says "nice tits"

if it's just, beep, beep,

"Nice tits, bye," and they drive off,

or if it's gonna be

like, "Nice tits"

[mimics brakes]

stop the car and like,

'"Nice tits. So nice. Gonna chop them up,

put them in a blender.

Then I'm gonna put them in a freezer

and make tits pops. Tits, tits, tits.'"

We don't know.

[audience laughs]

So, my friend goes, "What should I say?"

I go, "Just say nothing. Say no words.

Say no words."

He goes, "That's my free speech.

That's free speech. You can't do that."

I go, "It's not...

Whatever free speech means.

But, okay, fine, free speech.

I didn't say you couldn't say 'nice tits, '

I said, please don't yell it to us.

So, maybe if you're driving by a woman

who has nice tits,

you roll up your window

and smash your face against the glass

and just go, 'Nice tits.'

You could do that.

[audience laughs]

Or see a woman with nice tits

and call friend and go,

'Nice tits, nice tits, I see nice tits.

Okay. Nice tits.'

Or if you have the time,

veer off the road, go into a field,

get on your knees and let God know.

'Nice tits!'"

[audience cheering and applauding]

My friend and I could not come

to any agreement on this.

And so, I was like, "Maybe he's right."

If we just yell, "No, no, no,"

guys just hear their mothers:

[scolds]

So, we can't just say, "Don't say this,

don't..." Maybe there's a middle ground.

Maybe there's something you can say.

I don't know what it is.

But I had an experience recently

that gave me kind of an idea.

So, I was in North Carolina

and I was walking by myself.

And I was on the side of the road

and it was dusk.

And a white guy in a truck... drove by.

And then he stopped...

and he pulled back...

and he just stared at me out the window.

And I was like, "Oh, f***."

[audience laughs]

Because if you're a woman

or not white or gay

and you're walking alone in the South

and a white guy in a truck pulls up,

you know in 20 minutes

there's gonna be candles and flowers

right where you were standing, right?

That's... Yeah.

Guy rolls down his window and goes,

"Excuse me, ma'am.

You mind if I say something real creepy

to you?"

[audience laughing]

And like an idiot,

I walk up to the truck. "Okay."

[audience laughs]

And then I get mad and I think of...

I take a minute and think of all the women

from real... Real severe street harassment,

acid in the face

to just little infractions

like "nice tits," and I'm like, "No.

No, you cannot say something creepy."

I go, "No, you cannot and f*** you."

I start walking away proud of myself

and realize, "I look crazy."

That's what happens,

is if you're talking to a girl in a bar

and it's going well

and after a minute she's just like,

"F*** you!"

"What did I do?" "Nothing."

But we're taught to be polite

and so, we're holding it in.

All we have to say is,

"I don't feel like talking."

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