Jen Kirkman: Just Keep Livin? Page #10

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But we talk and we're like, "Eat sh*t!"

And you're very confused. And so...

We have to get better at that.

And so, anyway...

he goes, "Ma'am, I didn't mean

to scare you. I'm sorry. I..."

I just wanted to say I love your boots.

That's it, I love your boots.

I was wearing big, black platform boots,

he goes:

"I'm a married man.

I'm not trying to pick you up.

I've never noticed fashion in my life.

Well, I have one more question."

"Here comes a creepy question."

I go, "What?"

He goes, "Are they comfortable?" "Yeah."

"That's a win-win for you, ain't it?"

I'm like:

[audience laughs]

And he said, "Thank you. Thank you

for letting me give you that compliment.

I couldn't have live with myself

if I hadn't."

[audience laughs]

And then he drove off. I was like,

"He couldn't have lived with himself

if he didn't give me that compliment."

That is so dramatic.

And again,

it is hard for men in the world.

We must be kind to them.

And so...

But part of me is evil and I was like:

"God, it would've been great

if I didn't let him compliment me."

Somehow I got to see the rest of his life

played out, that deep regret, you know.

It's just like some kind of play

set in the South

and he's just at home every night

and he's like:

"I'm not hungry tonight, Martha."

She's like, "Henry, I made your favorite.

Two nights and you haven't eaten it.

You're all bones.

"Are you cheating on me, Henry?"

"No, Martha, it's not about sex.

Sometimes things are about... fashion.

[audience laughing]

Son, if you ever get the chance

to compliment a woman and don't take it,

you might not be able to live

with yourself.

Listen to your daddy."

He's on death bed and his father is like,

"Son, any more wisdom before you go?"

And he's just like, "Black boots,"

and then he dies.

[audience laughs]

No one knows what he means.

His wife never understood.

"Black boots? I know what that means.

His daddy was in the war.

His daddy wore black boots. He wants

to wear his daddy's boots in his coffin."

And he doesn't. She's shoving

the daddy's boots on his corpse feet.

And he's up in heaven, like,

"That's not the black boots I meant.

I like women's shoes.

That's right, Jesus, I like women's shoes.

I can be myself up here."

- So...

- [audience laughs]

that's when I started to think.

The compliment, if you must yell at us,

yell about our outfit, not our bodies.

We don't wanna think about the fact

we have a body every five minutes,

and you make us think about it

all the time, and we don't want to.

You know that feeling

when you just have keys and your phone

and you feel so free?

We'd love to feel that way at the bank,

but can't take our tits and vagina

and leave them on the table.

So, we've got to take these things

even at 8:
30 in the morning.

We're like, "Oh, God, everyone's looking."

And, you know... And if someone is like:

"Nice ass," but we don't feel good,

we're like, "Is that sarcastic?"

It's a whole mind f***, right?

But if you just compliment clothes,

we can all get along, right?

If you wanna street harass us

and you drive by

and you're like, "Sweetheart.

Hey, honey... that little bow

matches that detail in your shoes.

That is not lost on me, baby.

[audience laughs]

I love a good accessory.

I hope you're going to dinner tonight.

Doesn't have to be with a man,

could be by yourself. You seem unafraid.

I like that. You're walking

with your job and your freedom.

And I'm not threatened by that at all.

I don't have to man-splain to you.

I'm just letting you know

that a plaid and a polka dot

can sometimes match. You go, toots."

[audience laughs]

Thank you guys so much.

You've been amazing.

[audience cheering]

Thanks again.

JKL.

[audience cheering]

Jennifer.

- Oh!

- Sweetheart.

- Hi.

- Lovely to see you.

- You looked so gorgeous up there.

- Mom. Oh, thank you.

- Jennifer, what's all this food?

- Oh, that's part of my rider.

- What's a rider?

- It's like, you know,

food they bring backstage.

Part of your budget.

- You like the show?

- They take this out of your pay?

This is wasteful.

Jennifer, you're not good with money.

It's not my money.

Didn't like the show or anything or...?

Oh, my God. No. Mom, Dad, get out,

we're filming. We're filming. Cut.

- [woman] Jennifer, who is this?

- [Ronald] Filming what?

- This is my real family.

- [director] Still speeding.

- We can still roll on this?

- [Joan] Why would you do this?

Why would you hire people to play us?

We're here.

Well, that's you. It's already done.

She doesn't look like me.

I have blond hair. She has gray hair.

And I'm not Oriental, Jen.

Oh, my God, Dad, don't...

That's racist. You're...

I'm Japanese.

Oh, Jennifer's best friend at school

was Japanese

and she taught Jennifer

how to say the word "hello."

[speaks gibberish]

- [Jen] "Konichiwa."

- [Ronald] Konichiwa.

But it doesn't matter.

Konichiwa to you.

Listen, these are actors hired

to represent the character

of Jen Kirkman, right?

That make it better?

What? There's no character

based on your sister, Gail?

Okay, Gail, I would've put you in it,

but you told me

when I used to have that joke

about how you got caught smoking pot,

you said:

"Don't put me in your act anymore." So,

I do not say anything about you anymore

out of respect.

Jen, you just told that story again...

on camera.

That's what she does,

she talks about everybody.

She called Dad a racist.

- He said, "Oriental."

- [man] Maybe we can take a break.

Yeah. Where's the pizza?

Did you get any pizza?

No, I didn't get any pizza.

I just did a show.

And I'm sorry, there's no part for you,

and the reason is not because

I didn't think you'd be good,

but you'd make a scene.

It's happening. You're making a scene.

I'm not all comfortable.

I'm really not comfortable.

- You're not comfortable? How do we feel?

- Jen, why do you ruin everything?

- Yeah. Jeez, you know.

- I know a great place, guys.

- You do?

- [woman] We should just leave.

- [Joan] Just forget about her.

- [woman] Were you in the audience,

- because I didn't see you out there.

- [Joan] Yeah.

Can we use any of that?

Can we use any of that

because my parents

just ruined my Netflix special

and it was kind of f***ing awesome.

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