Jersey Shore Massacre Page #2

Wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait.

Here it is.

You're Romano.

They're Romero.

Romano, Romero, Romano

You're two different parties.

That explains everything.

Fine... so can you get those

chongas out of our house,

so we can finally

shower and unpack?

I'm afraid I can't do that,

and here's why.

You see, I already

gave them the keys,

and then now they

take over the house.

That's the law.

See, the house is not mine,

it's theirs.

I know it's

a little peculiar,

but it's how they

do it in Jersey.

Now that every house

and hotel are booked,

where are we

supposed to go?

Nice going, Ronnie.

You managed

to f*** us all.

Hold on--

hold on, hold on.

Why don't you guys

just stay here with me?

Uhh! Excuse me?

Look, I can find ways

of keeping you girls

reasonably... entertained.

Ugh!

I'll take that as a no.

Or I'll take it

as a maybe.

Their loss.

Okay, pot, it's you and me.

Huh!

I don't speak Mexican

or Puerto Rican,

but I know they

definitely talking about us.

F***in' nightmare.

Hold on a second.

I'll be right back.

If that chonga gives me

one more look,

I swear,

I'm going to f*** her up.

Who would believe

that someone

could screw

something up so bad?

Are you trying to say

this is my fault?

Well, whose

fault is it?

Oh, my God, your

little f***ing rat dog

just pissed on

my f***ing leg!

Thanks for telling me.

I gotta go now

and disinfect his pee pee.

Oh, my God,

you're the best!

Thank you!

Uh-huh.

Ugh!

Everybody

back in the car.

Where are we going?

My Uncle Vito's house.

Where's that?

About 15 miles

west of here.

Do any of youse

have a napkin?

Follow us.

Whoo!

Kiss my ass,

chonga!

Gnaw on some meat?

Do they even know where we're

going, or are we just lost?

I'll tell you right now,

we're going straight

back to Brooklyn

if she thinks we're staying

at a f***ing campsite

all weekend.

Your news for Ocean County.

Human remains

were found today

in the Pine Barrens section

of New Jersey.

According to detectives,

the victims

were alleged members

of the Rubino crime family.

Details of how this will

affect the upcoming trial

of Big "V" Rubino,

coming up.

Wow.

This ain't no campsite.

Where the hell are we?

We're right at the edge

of the Pine Barrens,

that's where we are.

So where's

this Uncle Vito?

He's at his home

in Staten Island.

If he tries

leaving the house,

his ankle bracelet beeps,

the cops come,

and he could be put in jail.

So he's under

house arrest?

I mean,

what did he do?

You know,

he's an entrepreneur.

But because he's Italian,

they keep harassing him

for every single thing

he does.

It's this way.

Oh, wow.

Here we are.

You can put your stuff

down here.

Wow, look

at all this stuff.

This has all

the Belgian whistles.

You know, Teresa,

I know your uncle,

and I can't ever see him

buying a house like this.

It was willed to him.

Willed to him--

by who?

Some guy in

the entertainment industry

that he used to do

business with.

What happened to him?

Uh, no one really knows.

But since my uncle has business

in New York and Philly,

he kept this place because

it's located

right in the middle.

What about the people

that live around here?

My uncle says

they're not really friendly,

unless they're trying

to sell you things.

Well, obviously,

they would be jealous,

seeing how they live,

and then seeing all of this.

It's pretty awesome--

the only thing

we're missing now is a Jacuzzi.

Hey, even better.

Swimming pool!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Awesome!

Perfect.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Not too bad, right?

Wow, you guys, we could

totally go swimming later.

You guys can go.

It's kind of dirty.

Should we call someone

to clean it?

Uh, no.

I just have to clean

the leaves off

with the skimmer

and change the filter.

Ew!

Where did that come from?

He had to come

from the lake.

Ohh.

Eww!

What lake?

Um, I think it's...

that way.

Come on, I'll show you.

Come on,

little guy.

This is not a good idea.

Be free, little guy.

Saved your life.

That's not funny!

Teresa can't swim!

She has a serious fear

of water, you stupid b*tch!

F*** you, Dina.

If you didn't f*** up

the beach house,

we wouldn't be here

right now.

I'm sorry, Teresa.

It's okay.

Let's just go back

to the house and unpack.

You okay?

Yeah... I'm okay.

Okay, so there's

plenty of rooms.

I'll room with Dina.

Gigi with Joanne, and Valerie

and Candi can share a room.

Uh-uh, I'm not

rooming with Candi.

Why not?

'Cause she farts in

her sleep.

I do not.

Yeah, you do.

Okay, I'll stay

with Candi,

and Dina can

stay with Valerie.

I'll just have to keep

my window open all night.

Knock it off.

Where's my cousin

gonna sleep?

Uh, if she shows up,

she can have the couch.

Good?

Fine.

All right, let's go.

Whoo!

Good.

Come on,

my little stinker.

Oh, stop it.

Uhh!

This freaking bag

is so...

heavy!

Just be careful.

They already started

renovating downstairs.

Sorry, Teresa.

Was that expensive?

You're not going

to unpack?

Ugh, I'm so f***ing tired,

I'll do it later.

What's that?

What do you think it is?

I know what it is,

but really?

Did you actually think

you would need that thing

down the shore--

I mean, you might as well

bring sand to the beach.

Well, I don't leave home

without it, and don't touch it.

Yeah, 'cause I'm just dying

to touch that skuzzy thing.

My name is Edgar.

Would you like to try

some of my sausages?

No, thank you, Edgar.

Yeah, none of us

eat meat.

Yeah, we're all

veterinarians.

All you girls look

so pretty and shiny.

Are you

all sisters?

I never had sisters.

I have a brother--

he's a a**hole.

No, we're not sisters,

but, um,

it was nice

meeting you, Edgar.

So instead of watching

hot-looking guys

with washboard stomachs

on the beach,

we're gonna

hang out with Edgar,

the 300-pound

axe murderer, instead.

Just because he's big,

sloppy, and weird

doesn't make him

an axe murderer.

So what are we

doing tonight?

I'm getting bored.

I'm not driving

all the way back

to the shore

in that traffic again.

Fine, Teresa, what

do we do around here?

Well, forget about going

to a bar or a club.

Those things don't

exist around here.

Mm, there was

that sign down the road

for that Jersey Devil

tour.

Are you kidding me?

Walking around

in the woods,

listening to

stupid ghost stories.

Well, we can either do that

or stay here all night

while Edgar leers

at us through the windows.

Who knows, maybe we'll

meet some hot guys.

Well...

Good evening, ladies.

Would you like to take

the, uh, Jersey Devil tour?

How much for

the six of us?

Uh... $7.50 apiece.

Screw that--

we want a discount.

Uh, $50 for the six

of us.

Fine.

All right, soon as all

your group is here,

we'll have Junior

take you on your tour.

Is it scary?

Scares the tar outta me.

Great, let's

f***ing go then.

Okay, let's go.

Yes.

Okay, I hope we're all

keeping our eyes open

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