Jersey Shore Massacre Page #3

for the Jersey Devil.

What can you tell us

about the...

creepy people living

in the Pine Barrens,

like cannibals,

called Pineys?

Well, there are people

that live around here.

Yeah, we heard there are

a few dozen Piney families

who are all inbred,

illiterate,

and very hostile

towards outsiders,

living just about

a mile down the road.

Now that's creepy.

Hey, Junior?

Mm-hmm?

Where do you live?

'Bout a mile

down the road.

Now, believe it or not,

the Jersey Devil

was the 13th child

of a woman named Deborah Leeds

who emigrated

from London, England

here to the New Jersey

Pine Barrens in the 1700s.

Moving here from London

and all,

was she able

to learn English?

That's a pretty good

question.

I'll have to

get back to you on that.

But anyway, during

a very difficult

and painful labor,

Mrs. Leeds

invoked the devil.

And when the baby was born,

it immediately grew into

a full-grown winged devil!

And then escaped

from the house

out into

these Pine Barrens.

Ohh!

Who keeps

hitting my ass?

No touching.

Ugh...

that's disgusting.

There are have been hundreds

of Devil sightings

throughout the years.

I think these girls

like us.

There are six of them

and three of us,

so you know

what that means?

Oh, my God.

This could be the greatest

night of our lives!

Shh-- let's try

to keep them scared,

so that they cling on to us

for safety, and then...

Back to the RV!

Exactly!

This is gonna be

so amazing!

...one in 1909

by Councilman Wheaton,

who heard flapping wings

outside his bedroom window

one night,

and then the next morning,

found large, cloven

footprints in the snow.

Hi.

Uh, m-my name is Henry.

Uh, what's yours?

Joanne.

Oh, nice to meet you.

Um, are you girls headed

to the Sci-Fi Expo in DC?

Uh, if so, we could

all go together.

Are you serious?

Sure, uh...

We even have a DVD player,

a microwave,

and a queen-sized bed.

Val, wait until

you hear this.

Cool!

I think she's going

to get all her friends

to come along also.

Try to keep them

scared.

Okay, okay.

Hundreds of people have heard

the Jersey Devil

rampaging through

the woods while shrieking.

Or making

blood-curdling cries.

Some call it

the Leeds Devil.

Some call it the Wozzle Bug.

And others call it

the Hoodle-Doodle Bird.

Either way, no one comes

out here alone at night.

Oh, God, I'm really

feeling scared.

I want to get

out of here.

What are you

worried about?

I feel like we're

being watched,

and I'm starting

to freak out a little.

Yeah, you guys,

I wanna go back.

Why don't you girls give us

your-- your email addresses

so we can put it

on our phones now?

Sure...

Uh, it's getalife...

Getalife...

at...

yougottabefuckingkiddingme.com.

What's with

the mixed messages?

I don't know.

But it seems like every girl

we meet has the same problem.

Help!

Oh, damn!

Oh, my God, somebody

give me their belt!

I gotta make

a tourniquet!

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Welcome to the country,

girls.

You kidding me?

We're getting the f***

outta here!

That was so uncalled for!

Let me go!

Come on, don't be upset.

It was all in fun.

F-U-N, fun.

No, it's stupidity.

S-T-U... pidity!

Are you okay, Val?

I want to

get outta here.

I don't like

being scared.

Let's go.

Hey, later, girls.

Yeah, that's

f***ing great, man.

Argh...

Hey, you ready, Gigi?

No... you guys

go ahead.

Mike's gonna come

pick me up later.

I really need

to see him tonight.

I'm sorry.

Are you sure about this?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Okay, I'll see you tonight.

Bye.

She's ditching us for

that loser again, isn't she?

She seems to love him,

so let her do what she wants.

I don't buy that--

I think Michael

just knows how

to manipulate Gigi.

He turns her into, like,

his little mental prisoner.

Yeah, kind of like

Stockholder Syndrome

or something.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, b*tches,

you want some pound cake?

Oh, yeah,

I'll take some.

I can't even

look at that.

Are you dieting, Val?

I'm going to.

I just took five

laxatives last night

to help get my stomach down

for the weekend.

Oh, my God.

That really isn't

good for you, you know.

Ugh, well, I don't wanna

look like a stuffed sausage

all weekend either.

Sure you don't want some?

No.

You're just gonna

sh*t it out anyway.

No...

I wanna have a six pack

for the yum yums.

Yum yums.

Yum yum yums!

It's hot as f***

in here.

Daddy!

Wow,

a jellyfish!

Don't touch that.

You could get stung

very badly by it.

Ouchie.

Yeah, ouchie.

Yo, yo, yo, yo!

Ohh!

Oh, my God!

That took me all morning

to build!

Well, build it

somewhere else.

The thing just made me

drop the ball.

Are you kidding me?

You have the entire beach

to play on!

Because the people

is over there,

and if we play over there,

no one's gonna be able

to see us right there.

So why don't you pick up

all your sand and move it?

Over there!

You feeling me?

And take your f*ggot-ass pail

and shovel with you.

Oww...

Ouchie.

What you looking at?

There's no

f***ing parking.

Well, if you

didn't make us late,

we would have been here

two hours ago.

F*** you, Joanne.

Can you both

please stop it now?

Stay the f*** outta this,

Valerie.

Yeah, shut the f*** up,

Valerie.

Don't tell her

to shut the f*** up.

Who the f*** are you?

Bunch of pains

in the asses.

All right, guys,

calm down.

We're already here.

Ah, there's a space.

Give me

the handicapped pass

in the glove compartment,

just in case.

We're not disabled.

Just limp a little

when you walk out.

Ready?

Whoo!

Here we are.

Whoo!

I was dying for one

of these corndogs.

Me too.

Me three.

Hey, what about

your diet?

I don't wanna

starve to death.

Why don't we set up

over here?

No...

I see where we should go.

Yo, throw the ball!

Hyuh!

Freddy, you a**hole!

Ooh la la!

Let's go, girls!

Come on!

Let me out!

Uhh!

Gigi, get over here!

I'm not done

with you yet!

Well, I'm done with you,

Michael,

and if you know

what's good for you,

get your ass off Teresa's

uncle's property.

Gigi-- you little b*tch,

get over here!

You know what,

I'm done with you!

Stop following me, Michael!

I have to tell you,

Tre...

Despite the mix-up

with the house,

I think this is gonna

be a really good weekend.

No, please, please!

Help me!

No, stop, please!

Stop, let me go!

Please!

And if not for you,

we would have had

to have turned back yesterday

and miss all of this.

No, no, no!

Thank you.

You don't have

to thank me.

We're all

in the same boat.

That didn't take long.

No, it didn't.

Impressive,

I have to say.

We gotta step up

our game.

Ah, ow!

God.

Teresa and Dina...

This is... Tony, Joey,

Gino, Vinnie,

and Freddy.

Hi.

Hi...

Oh, wow.

What is that?

It's a mime.

A what?

What is he doing?

Why is he

wearing that?

Dude, there's

no window there.

He's just pretendin',

Tony!

Ohh...

He is cute.

I don't get it, either.

Oh! Aww...

Now he's hitting on her.

Now get the f***

outta here, Bozo.

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