Jesus Henry Christ Page #3

you have made possible.

Alice.

I know, I know, Gunter,

I know, I'm late.

It's been almost an hour.

Honey?

You look positively

radiant.

You are too kind, Gunter.

Now then.

What's all this about?

You...

you didn't start

without me, did you?

God, Slavkin, I left work

early to be here.

That is so like you

to be totally selfish.

I took your last name.

- Remember?

- Alice Stravinowsky?

What would people think?

That we're married.

Well.

I may have lost my wife

to my oncologist,

but my fish can still swim.

At least I still

have my health.

Which is a lot more than I can

say for Dr. Flowers.

What happened to Dr. Flowers?

The Bulls won a championship.

And the Bulls win

the championship.

Chicago is going crazy tonight.

Hundreds have been arrested

as fireworks

and random gunfire

explode throughout the city.

Gunter!

Gunter!

Don't pretend like you don't

hear me, Gunter!

Yes, honey.

Yes, Henry?

Huh?

You look like you have

something you want to say.

Oh, it's-- it's nothing.

So, now that you find yourself

to be a man without

a school...

what are your plans?

My plans?

To continue your education.

Patricia and I haven't

really talked about that.

Who's Patricia?

My mother.

You call your mother

by her first name?

What does Audrey call you?

My daughter

calls me names.

Bad ones mostly.

Always actually.

Local news covering

the greater Chicago-land area.

The Windy City is about to get

a whole lot windier

as the city braces itself-

I want to go to college.

Stay tuned for "Storm Watch,"

every hour, with our mega...

Children your age

don't go to college.

When you were ten, you took

care of the entire family.

I didn't have a choice.

But I do, Patricia.

Okay, listen to me,

Henry, honey.

I see what happens to

boys and girls twice your age

who leave home and go off

to college.

Credit card debt.

Credit card debt

is the root of all evil.

But I don't want to

go away to college.

I want to stay right here at

home and go to the university.

Do you have a better plan

for my future?

Patricia.

Patricia.

You're smothering me,

Patricia.

I know I am, I know.

It's what mothers do.

Just promise me you won't

grow up too fast, okay?

You'll only break

your mother's heart.

I promise.

So...

anything else

you want to tell me?

Anything at all?

As a rule, Patricia, the Spanish

"H" is always silent.

Fill all

corresponding bubbles...

completely.

Erase all stray marks...

completely.

You have 30 minutes...

to answer 30 questions

completely.

Are there any questions?

You may begin.

May I help you?

Not with...

Impossible.

Come back

when you really are done.

I'm done.

The university usually

frowns upon

admitting students

so young in age.

However, given Henry's

unprecedented test scores,

we're willing to offer a full

academic scholarship

with an annual

stipend of 12,000,

all terms nonnegotiable.

Let me be perfectly clear,

President Sullivan.

Without my consent,

Henry doesn't go to college.

My son is not

for sale.

- 50.

- 80.

- 60.

- 75,000 a year

for the length of

Henry's matriculation.

Nonnegotiable.

It's a deal, Ms. Herman.

Henry's stipend must be invested

in the following manner.

I suggest you

write this down.

Proceed.

With Henry

as sole beneficiary,

invested

in blue chip mutual funds.

The remaining 50%

in US Treasury notes.

On his 18th birthday,

Henry alone will be entitled

to the entirety of

both accounts.

Do we have a deal?

Uncle.

We can leave now,

Henry, honey.

Henry?

Honey?

Henry?

Henry!

Henry!

Henry!

Henry!

Don't walk away from me while

I'm talking to you.

Henry.

Henry James Herman,

you stop right there!

Did you beat him?

Did you out-negotiate

President Sullivan?

Yes, I did.

Well, congratulations,

Patricia.

I don't

appreciate your sarcasm.

I don't appreciate being used.

I don't want a stipend,

I don't need the money.

Not right now you don't,

but you'll thank me

when you turn 18.

I did this for you,

Henry, honey.

You did it

for yourself, Patricia!

How dare you raise your voice

at me-- I am your mother.

Without me, your genius butt

wouldn't be alive.

Well, if I am a genius,

I can assure you I didn't

inherit my genius gene

from you, now, did I?

Well, if not me,

then who?

Him.

- Him?

- Me?

Egg, meet Sperm.

Sperm, my mother.

Patricia Herman.

Dr. O'Hara just happens to be

my biological father.

- You?

- Me?

Oh, my God.

I think I'm gonna...

I'm sorry, Henry, could you

repeat what you just said?

The part where I said that

you're my biological father?

Yeah, that's it.

That's what

I thought you said.

I'm your father.

How so exactly?

I'm a test-tube baby.

Oh.

Oh...

- Oh, no.

- What's wrong?

Just imagining Audrey's reaction

to the news.

Well, you're

taking it rather well.

Oh, I'd probably faint too if

I wasn't so heavily medicated.

After our book-burning incident,

my psychiatrist

upped my dosage.

Now I don't

feel much of anything.

( Bell ringing )

Lesbo, lesbO, lesbO, lesbo,

lesbo, lesbo, lesbo...

( horn honking )

( screaming )

I'll be right back.

I'd like to Audrey myself,

if you don't mind.

Oh, I don't

think that's such a...

Audrey?

Yeah, that's me.

Who are you?

You're not alone, Audrey.

Not anymore.

Lesbo.

I'm your half...

Brother.

Ew!

Who is that kissing my Henry?

That would be my

Audrey.

I tried telling you.

But then you kissed me!

I can't hear you, I can't

hear you, I can't hear you.

I've never been kissed before by

a woman who wasn't Patricia.

She doesn't use

her tongue like you do.

Oh, I'm so gonna puke.

Hey, Who's hungry'?

Anyone?

Anyone?

I'm starving.

I've never been

here before.

That's because

the faculty club's off-limits

to people like us.

You mean poor people.

I mean proletariat.

President Sullivan did

rename it the Libertarian Club

in an attempt to make it

more inclusive.

Now anyone can come here?

- No.

- No.

Well, then, why did he bother

changing the name?

Why did Kentucky Fried Chicken

change its name to KFC?

Did they suddenly

stop frying their chicken?

No.

They most certainly did not.

In their defense, they did add

baked chicken to their menu.

It was grilled.

If it wasn't for

this university,

then this entire area would be

an economic wasteland.

Would it not?

And that justifies this

university's

refusal to pay its

workers a decent living wage?

Well, I'm just playing

devil's advocate, Ms. Herman.

How can you play

the devil's advocate

when you are the devil,

Dr. O'Hara?

What?

My daughter

hates you, Henry.

But don't be offended.

Audrey hates everyone.

What a terrible thing to say

about your daughter.

You did just say that

I was the devil, did you not?

It's true.

I do hate everyone.

Everyone but babbling babies

and retards

soaked in their own drool.

I believe the clinical term

is intellectually disabled.

So it's better to be disabled

than retarded.

To the intellectually

disabled, yes, it is better.

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