Jesus Henry Christ Page #4

I'm so out of here.

Sit down, Audrey.

Am I the only one here who's not

in, like, total denial?

Totally messed up?

Open your eyes, people!

For you've been blinded by

the truth long enough.

What did you say?

- Nothing.

- Whatever.

Audrey's right.

- This is an awkward situation.

- You think?

When my Grandpa Stan told me--

Don't you dare mention that

man's name ever again.

He is dead to me now.

Dead.

When my grandfather told me that

he'd found my half-sister,

we both assumed

that she was just like me.

A test-tube baby.

It was a petri dish.

But then when Dr. O'Hara told me

that Audrey

was already conceived before

he was diagnosed with cancer-

You had cancer?

It was a long time ago.

You never told me

you had cancer.

I've been

cancer-free for over a decade.

But it could still

come back, right?

I'm sorry to disappoint you yet

again, Audrey,

but I hope not.

- You're not a test-tube baby.

- It was a petri dish!

You are my half-sister.

One-half of our genes are

identical,

and since we have

different mothers,

our common genes could have only

come from one source.

Unless...

Unless what?

No matter what happens,

Audrey,

you will always be my daughter,

just as I will

always be your father.

No matter what.

If you've got something to say,

then just say it, Dad.

There's a chance,

a very slim chance,

infinitesimal really, when you

come to think of it,

that you may...

Well, that you

may not be my daughter,

biologically speaking.

You look positively

radiant.

You are too kind, Gunter.

Since when?

Since you were born.

I mean since when did you

realize

that you may not be my father?

Uh...

Since before

you were born.

You were never

gonna tell me.

Were you?

Infinitesimal, remember?

If I'm not your daughter,

then who's my father?

I'm your father.

I am.

Maybe.

Audrey.

Audrey, honey.

Look at the bright side.

I am looking

at the bright side.

The chance that you

may not be my father.

However infinitesimal

that may be.

Sorry.

I'm not the one you should be

apologizing to.

I know who you are.

I read your book.

I tried to

raise my daughter

free from gender bias,

free from stereotypes

that dehumanize people.

How do you sleep at night?

Ambien.

You got no idea how much

trouble you caused me, do you?

You know, you're the reason my

son thinks he's adopted.

What is it

with you, home wrecker?

His son is adopted.

So what if he is?

Does that somehow make me

any less of a father?

- Yes.

- No.

Come here.

Come here, white devil,

you come here.

I know I wasn't

born black, okay?

I know that.

But I know

that I am black.

Here.

I'm black right here.

And that's the same way that

I know that Malcolm is my son.

Do you understand

what I'm saying?

I know that it must totally

suck to be a black man nurse

trapped in a white man's body,

but the white devil and I have

our own paternity problems

to deal with.

I need my

stepfather's sperm.

The what, with the...

No, look, whatever weirdness

y'all got going on,

I don't know

and I don't want to know.

I need to find out

if Gunter Flowers

is my biological father.

Me too.

No one cares about you,

home wrecker.

I got an idea.

Why don't you two

just go and ask him?

- Because he's dead.

- Because he's dead.

He's dead?

- Dead.

- Dead.

And the Bulls win

the championship.

Gunter!

Don't pretend like

you don't hear me, Gunter.

Yes, honey.

The trash isn't

going to take out itself.

As fireworks

and rare gunfire

explode throughout the city.

Yes, I am completely aware

that trash

is an inanimate object.

Gunter!

Gunter!

Gunter!

Gunter!

Gentle Jesus,

please make it stop.

Gunter!

For the love of God,

Alice!

Will you just shut it up?!

If a bullet is fired straight up

into the sky,

it will slow down,

Well, if y'all wanna find out

who your daddy is,

I suggest you get tested,

'cause as decreed by

the Supreme Court,

ain't nothing I can do for you

without your dead

step daddys permission.

I see my work here

is done.

Y'all have a good night.

If this hurts, I will--

Faint.

I think it's

a blood-sugar thing.

So...

Prick me

and get it over with.

This totally sucks.

As if my life isn't

miserable enough.

It turns out that my real dad

may be my dead step-dad.

I'm your real dad.

Maybe.

If my step-dad is my real dad,

that makes him

your real dad as well.

Which makes you my half-brother.

But the problem is,

we don't know

who our real dad is, do we?

It's called process of

elimination.

It's called

a rhetorical question.

We just have to wait for

the test results.

What are we

supposed to do until then?

We could exhume Dr. Flower's

body and perform an autopsy.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Let's get some

shovels and start digging.

I didn't do nothing.

"I didn't do nothing"

is a double negative.

Which means you did

do something, idiot.

Prove it, lesbo.

Hey, hey, hey. hey!

Ms. Abda, Ms. Abda,

Ms. Abda!

Do you have

a question, Brian?

No?

Then let's move on, shall we?

Ms. Abda?

Yes, Audrey?

May I go to the restroom?

It's an emergency.

The period's almost over.

Not for me, it isn't.

Oh?

Go.

I should

so kick your ass.

You have every right to be

mad at me.

Oh, yeah?

I'm sorry for

the trouble I've caused you.

- You're weak.

- I'm ten.

Aren't you supposed to be in

college or something?

Aren't you

supposed to be in school?

I can't stand it when people

answer a question

with a question.

Then, yes,

I'm supposed to be in college.

Then what are you doing here?

I wanted to know

if you're okay.

Let's get one thing straight.

I will never,

ever be okay.

Okay?

I'm permanently damaged.

A freak,

just like you.

Don't sweat it.

I think being a freak's

kinda cool.

Yeah?

Better than being a sheep

like all the rest of them.

Why would anyone want to be

just like everyone?

What's in your hair?

It's nothing.

Every ditch school before?

No.

Where are you going?

Anger-obics.

Holy "Beautiful Mind."

Unlike Henry,

my memory is, uh...

very average.

I have to write down my thoughts

in order to remember them.

On Post-it notes.

Well, you can stick them

just about everywhere

and they

stay stuck until you...

move them.

Have you heard about that

Post-it note

that survived

Hurricane Hugo?

Knocked out eight oak trees

in a man's front yard,

but the Post-it note

stuck on his front door

withstood the storm.

What did

the Post-it note note?

I don't know that it

noted anything.

The point is

that it stayed stuck.

Well, what's the point of

posting a blank Post-it note?

I never said it was blank.

Did it say "please knock"

or "no solicitations" or...

Manifesto on

the nature of truth?

Results indicate

test subject's IQ 310.

Test subject?

Well, I... Henry has

the second-highest

IQ ever recorded.

My Henry is not a test subject!

Please,

sit down, Ms. Herman.

- Please.

- Jesus H. Christ.

I brought you here to

prove to you

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