Jewtopia

1

Jacob climbed the ladder

climbed it to the sky

said, people, what's the matter?

Heaven ain't so high

people, heaven ain't so high

when you got the shield

you got the shield

of Abraham

little children

you got the shield

of Abraham

The years were lifeless

they wandered

in the desert 40 years

and ol' Moses told the children

brush away them tears

hey, kids, this ain't

no time for tears

you got the shield

of Abraham

little children

you got the shield

of Abraham

David, he fought goliath

with nothing but a tiny stone

David, little David

God knows you're not alone

David, you got the shield

you got the shield

of Abraham

little David

you got the shield

you got the shield...

My name is Christian thaddeus

Reginald Mcarthur O'Connell,

and between the ages

of 8 and 17 years old,

good old Uncle Sam restationed

my father 12 times.

- Class, please welcome...

- G.I. Joe?

From Wichita to Berlin,

nobody wanted to be

friends with the new kid.

I think G.I. Joe is cool.

Because you have a lot in common

or maybe because you want something

or because no one else

will be your friend.

And that's how I became

friends with Adam Lipschitz.

How rude of me.

Want one?

We were complete opposites,

but we became best friends.

My first dinner with the

lipschitzes... one word.

Why couldn't we have

gone to China palace?

Denny, we've discussed this.

Do you want to drop

dead of a heart attack

by the time you're 50?

No, but...

besides, I heard that they cook

with d-o-g.

Adam's mom took control of her men.

Nah, you're right, Arlene.

You're always right.

- I love you.

- Well, I love you more.

- No, I love you more.

- You just wait till later.

Ooh, is that a threat or a promise?

It kind of freaked

me out at first...

But I learned to love it.

Hi. My name's Soo Yun.

You ready to order?

Stop staring at her, Adam.

That is rude!

- Oh.

- You cute.

You stare all you like, little man.

You are not and you will

never be her little man.

I never realized how different

growing up Jewish was...

Where's my burger?

Betsy!

Until I hung out

with the O'Connells.

I'm Comin'.

I'm sorry, the tots were frozen

and I... and I had to wait

for them to defrost.

And where's my Uncle Brian's

barbecue sauce, huh?

One word... gentiles.

Oh, I got distracted

waiting for them tots.

I'll go get it.

Don't you move an inch.

Way back!

And he sees Taylor!

And the throw is up!

Aah! Touchdown!

Oh!

What the hell?

That's a touchdown.

I'll tell you one thing.

There's nobody who called a

better game than Cosell,

but boy, did he have him

one heck of a beak.

Jew beak.

The talmud states that

the first 12 years

of a Jewish man's life all

lead up to the moment

where he must transform himself

from a boy to a man.

Adam Mintz Lipschitz,

that moment has arrived.

I'd never been to any

jewy type of thing

until Adam's bar mitzvah.

Gaah!

I'm not ready to be a man!

I'm not ready to be a man!

I'm not ready to be a man!

I'm not ready!

I'm not ready!

I'm not ready to be a man!

And your fault.

- I'm not ready to be a man!

- What the hell was that?

Bar Mitzvahs rock!

Christian didn't always come

up with the smartest ideas.

Nobody calls me G.I. Joe.

My mom told me that if

your hand touches poo,

you can get psoriasis.

Yeah, whatever.

Launch sequence activated.

3, 2, 1.

Commence fire!

Mission abort!

Mission abort!

It might look like I'm

having a seizure.

I'm not.

This is a panic attack.

Get up Lipschitz, get up!

I can't, Chris.

- Get up!

- Sons of b*tches!

Do either of you know

what time it is?

3:
07 A.M., sir.

And what do I like to do

at 3:
07 A.M.?

Sleep, sir.

Apparently, the two of you don't.

You two would rather be

launching bags of feces.

I need a word with you in private.

Feces?

In here.

You see, my son would have

executed like a real marine

if it hadn't been for

private Lipschitz,

who had a brain fart.

He screwed up the entire operation.

Now what the heck kind

of a weird sh*t is that?

- It's a pulmo machine.

- English!

It's for his asthma.

So your boy, he's

got a fake disease?

I'll bet you make him

wear a seatbelt too.

How is your boy still alive?

Seriously, how?

All I can say is, I

thank God and Uncle Sam

that I have been restationed.

- Schmuck.

- Come on, Christian.

Let's move.

Come on.

Where are we moving to, dad?

Camp blue Jean, South Carolina.

But I don't want to

move again, dad. I like it here.

Oh, you like it here?

You're gonna love it there.

Adam's the best

friend I've ever had.

Come on, Chris.

Chris is the best

friend that I've ever...

Move.

He was the only Jew I ever knew.

But then... College.

Could you maybe not mix the

potassium permanganate

I prefer to not explode

before graduation.

- Here. Use the hydrazine.

- Thanks.

Her name was Rebecca

Hadassah Zahada Ogin.

You know, me and you have

really good chemistry.

And just like that, all of

my decisions went away.

Oh, I'm gonna have an order

of the fried mozzarella sticks.

I didn't have to

decide what to eat...

- Surprise.

- What?

I didn't have to decide

what clothes to buy.

Oh!

Who my friends were gonna be.

I'm sorry, dudes, but Chris' gpa

has dropped over the

past two quarters,

so he will no longer be

hosting poker night.

I'm coming to you live from

the university of Colorado,

Yeah! I'm standing here with

a hot and busty young co-Ed.

Say hi for the...

for the audience, Rebecca.

- Hi.

- Wow.

Now Rebecca has just informed me

underneath her graduation gown.

Is that true, Rebecca?

That is true, vance,

and I dare you

to get a close-up.

Stop.

Get out.

Oh, my God.

You're so beautiful.

I just... I found this

beautiful little pink box.

You're disgusting.

No, look. Really.

Marry me, Rebecca.

Look, these last three years

have been a lot of fun together,

but we're entering

the real world now,

and in the real world,

this can't work.

Why not?

Because you're not Jewish.

Wait.

What are you saying?

It's over, Christian.

And now I'm a 31-year-old plumber,

still crying over his

college girlfriend.

I miss Bec-Bec.

Okay, I located that one!

70 pounds of pressure

rising! Over!

Okay. Locating

the septic tank!

Looking at 85 pounds

and rising! Over!

Are you there, boss?

Over!

Yeah, guys, I'm here.

Sorry, sorry.

And did you find the gas line?

Yeah, got it.

- Got it too.

- Okay, boss.

We're going to shut

them both down, okay?

Tres, dos, shut off!

Guys, I'm really sorry.

I don't know what happened.

I must have spaced out.

It's cool, boss.

No worries.

I space out too sometime.

But if it was my responsibility

to turn off the gas and sewer lines

of my loyal, hardworking,

underpaid employees

next to a leaking septic tank

with 10,000 pounds of raw sewage,

I would not f***ing space out!

Sorry. What'd you say?

I spaced out.

Ay, madre de dios!

Que es eso?

What is that?

- What?

- Que es eso? Que...

What was I thinking, coming

to work with you today?

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