Jewtopia Page #2

- It's may 25th.

- Oye, cinco de Mayo?

No, pendejo, may 25th is the day

that this chica Rebecca

dumped him nine years ago.

And accidentally hooked

it up to the hot water?

Boiling toilet day.

Boss, I loved that day, man.

I went to take a crap and

the toilet exploded!

I still have porcelain in my ass.

Look, boss, me and Juan, okay,

we love you, okay?

Of risking our life for this puta!

Look, just do us both a favor.

Go out there and find

yourself another puta

and move on with your life, puto!

You get on with your

life, you puto!

Boss, can I go to the bathroom?

Mm-Hmm.

Have you ever dreamed

embroidered on your

favorite undies?

What about your gang name

on your baseball cap?

Malt 40! Unh!

Manatee! Uh-huh!

Goldie tooth!

Then come on down to

the embroidery palace.

Where our royal family has provided

the highest quality custom

embroidery for 50 years!

No Booty too big,

no Booty too small,

because here at the

embroidery palace,

we embroider it all!

- What the hell?

- Oh, damn it!

Sorry. I told her

not to call again.

Could you be any

more p*ssy-whipped?

Rreow!

Yeah. What now?

Stuck working for

the family business

and engaged to Hannah Daniels.

This is her 13th call.

Yes, I'm available

after 3:
00 tomorrow.

Why?

Why would we have a

preschool interview?

You're not even pregnant yet!

No, Hannah, it's smart

to interview now.

This commercial is

costing me an assload.

- Get off the phone!

- Okay, I gotta go.

I gotta go.

Yes, I love you. Bye.

Why didn't you cover

that before the shoot?

Do you want people to

change the channel

Would you prefer our

family go broke?

Oh, mom, no!

Come on, mom!

Oh, no. Stop moving.

No, not the safety pin!

Come on!

- Hold his head.

- Well, you know what?

If my brother wasn't such a douche

and his psycho fiancee

wasn't calling him

every two minutes...

She's the best thing that

ever happened to your brother.

- Ow!

- I got it! I got it!

What the hell?

Excuse me!

Excuse me!

What's...

what's going on here?

Hannah!

Hannah!

Oh, f*** me!

A jackhammer?

Come... Hannah!

You can always call me at

home when there's a problem.

Why do you think I was ranked

number one gynecologist

by city quest three years in a row?

Just remember, no matter

how much it might itch,

I don't want you to scratch it.

Okay, bye.

Oh, hey, I didn't

hear you sneak in.

Oh, probably 'cause of the

jackhammer that's outside.

Fine. What the hell

is going on around here?

They're starting construction

on the baby's room.

Honey, I-I know that you

want to have a baby so bad,

and so do I, in the future,

but there is no baby

to build a room for yet.

There's not even...

not even a fetus

to build a room for yet.

But it can take up to 18 months

to complete construction

on the series six BPBC.

I'm sorry. BPBC?

- Baby protection bed chamber.

- Oh, God.

You enter here, through the

anti-bacterial wash chamber

to disinfect and put

on sterilized scrubs.

Once inside, you'll be surrounded

a six-inch-thick bullet and

germ-proof baby encasement unit,

24-hour closed circuit

video surveillance,

life-size parental control

reinforcements,

Anthrax detector, radon detector,

carbon monoxide detector,

smoke detector,

and faulty detector detector,

and a panic room.

And... and... and what is this?

Just in case the panic room

gets overrun by terrorists.

- Terrorists?

- Terrorists.

Well, thank God that's optional.

Oh, I'll be exercising that option.

You're really gone again

if you know what I mean

- we're two of...

- We're two of a kind

a kind

Working on a dream.

And then it hit me

harder than Dale earnhardt

hitting that wall,

rest in peace.

I needed to find another puta.

A Jewish puta.

How you Doin'?

Hey, I'm Christian.

Hey, you remember when Cheney

shotgunned that old guy

in the face back in '06?

I mean, I felt bad

for him, didn't you?

Hey, so you been a

Jew your whole life?

Damn, a lot of hot

Jew p*ssy in here.

Hey, am I right?

No, bad. Bad, bad, bad, bad.

That is a very nice getup.

Where did you get that stuff?

Thanks. I'm glad

you're having a good time.

It's mine.

You like it?

It's hysterical.

About the whole thing.

So how did it go in there?

Bad.

I don't think the girls around here

like a guy like me.

Well, that's crazy.

I mean, what girl here

with a whacked-out

sense of humor?

So you, uh,

Only the ones that

my mother organizes.

Your mother.

She organized this?

Yeah, and if I didn't show up,

I would never hear the end of it.

Yeah, I know how that is.

You should take my number.

For what?

To call me.

Okay. Yeah, okay.

Five missed calls.

- Oh, who's your provider?

- Pin mobile.

Well, that's your

problem right there.

Pin mobile has the least amount

of coverage in L.A. county

You should switch

to AT&T Nation 900

with unlimited mobile to mobile.

Thanks.

Alison.

Alison Marks.

And you are?

Ro... Rosenberg.

Avi Rosenberg.

Man, you do not look Jewish.

Really? I... you know,

I have gotten that.

I'm gonna head back in.

Okay.

Avi.

Rosenberg.

I'm gonna head back in.

Okay.

Bye.

Are you f***ing loco, boss?

- You no Jew!

- I know I'm not a Jew.

- She's just like Rebecca.

- Ay, dios mio!

Listen, I don't know why I said it!

Well, maybe you should

just tell her the truth.

I'm not gonna tell her the truth,

'cause then she's

never gonna date me.

I'm just gonna keep

telling her I'm a Jew

Juan, I don't care how

big her tits are!

But, I mean, they're pretty good.

Just because you say you're a

Jew does not make you one!

I don't know what I was thinking!

Hey, you know, boss,

Jesus was a Jew.

Why don't you just

tell her you're Jesus?

Huh? De nada.

Come on down to the

embroidery palace.

Where our royal family has provided

the highest quality custom

embroidery for 50 years.

Adam Lipschitz!

This had to be a sign.

No Booty too big,

no Booty too small,

because here at embroidery palace,

we embroider it all!

A Jewish sign!

All right.

I want everybody to close your eyes

and forget everything

you think you know

about embroidery,

because starting next Tuesday,

the embroidery palace

will be in possession

of this bad boy!

Behold the mauter evolution

30-70!

Okay. On to

the next piece of business,

which is our monthly

corporate account review.

Jillie Bean, can you pass out

Now, as you all know,

the handlebar coffee company

has been our largest

corporate client

for the past ten...

Years.

They notified me this morning

they will be taking their

business elsewhere

due to this.

Do you have any idea how

this could have happened?

One sec, dad.

- Adam!

- What?

Oh, my God!

Oh, God.

I "cun't"... I can't believe

that I did that.

But I'm under a lot of pressure

with this whole wedding thing!

I got... I got Hannah nagging me

about brunch tomorrow.

It's... I must have forgotten

to double-check the sample.

You should fire the prince, dad.

Oh, I'd like to chop

off the prince's head,

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