Jewtopia Page #3

but then there'd be nobody

to ascend the throne!

Paging prince Adam.

There's a Mr. Christian

O'Connell here to see you.

Christian O'Connell?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Come back here.

What... what's the big deal?

You... you tell some girl

your name is Avi Rosenberg

and then you show up after 17

years so that... that I can

teach you how to be a Jew

so you can dupe her?

Listen, I've been

dumped by a Jew before.

I'm not letting it happen again.

It's not pretty, man.

All right, why me?

You gotta teach me how

to pass myself off

as one of you guys.

Another decision for

as long as I live.

Wow. That's mildly offensive,

you know that?

Yes, but true.

Tell her the truth and

then convert for her.

No. No, no, no, no. No.

Listen to me.

Alison Marks is not gonna

settle for imitation Jew.

She can have the real deal.

Now, come on, Adam.

- Just help me.

- I'm sorry.

Did you say her name

was Alison Marks?

Yeah, Alison Marks.

Why?

I went to Sunday school

with an Alison Marks.

Okay.

Did... did she tell you

what her family did?

Her family? Her mother, uh,

organized the mixer.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You know them, don't you?

- Do you know them?

- Yeah, you could say that.

- What?

- Oh! Oh, I know, I know.

Chris, this is, uh, you know,

are... are... are seeing

what I'm doing here,

but I-I got a lot

of sh*t going on right now,

and my... sort of, my world's

flipped upside down

and... and... and... and we're

looking for preschools.

Wait a minute. You didn't

tell me you had a baby.

- Yeah. I-I don't.

- Oh.

- It's complicated.

- Sounds it.

Chris, I don't think I'm the guy

for this adventure.

Okay.

I understand.

Yeah.

Well, um, you know,

I'm glad I tracked you down.

No, it's great to see you.

So, maybe we'll...

we'll do some lunch,

uh, we'll catch up.

I would love to do some lunch.

Yeah, that'd be fun.

I'm gonna be up on my parents'

ranch for the weekend,

- maybe we'll get a, uh...

- Well, here.

- Coffee.

- Uh, take this.

Embroidery palace.

It's a nice yellow.

Yeah.

Awesome.

Don't take this the

wrong way, Hannah,

but what led you to

diagnose it as vaginitis?

Well, dad, she was

experiencing itching,

irritation, abnormal discharge,

and pain during intercourse...

Yes, those are the basic

symptoms to vaginitis.

They could indicate vulvitis?

Yes, dad, but I ruled out vulvitis

because her vulva was not enflamed.

No need to get defensive, sweetie.

You're probably right

with your diagnosis.

I once diagnosed a

patient with vaginitis

- You know what?

- It might have even been

bacterial vaginosis.

In my 25 years of practice,

I have seen many cases of vaginosis

with no gray discharge.

We've been doing this a

few more years than you,

distinguish between vaginosis,

vaginitis, or vulvitis.

- Lox, honey?

- Cottage cheese?

Okay, excuse me.

I'm just gonna...

Use the bathroom.

I'll... I'll be back.

Hold it.

Bets...

Why don't you and the ladies

hand out some eggnog?

All right.

Thanks, mom.

- Nog, baby?

- Second that.

Oh, mama, that is some good nog.

Son, why is it that you

haven't found yourself

a good woman yet? Huh?

Someone to take care of you...

Serve you nog.

Maybe it's 'cause Christian's

a homo-sexu-wahl!

All right, you stop

bullying your brother.

- He will find himself a girl...

- That's right.

Or whatever, when

he's good and ready?

I'm ready to bag me a 10-pointer,

and I'm gonna skin him, gut him,

- and pull out his rectum.

- The hell you are!

I'm pulling out the

rectum, ass tar!

He always pulls out the rectums.

You make a circular incision and...

Clayton, Chuck!

Over here now!

Hurry up, there's come

rectum over there.

You two take a knee.

Why do you always

have to fight over

who's gonna pull the rectum?

You know, that's not what

hunting is all about.

Hunting is about the family.

It's about teamwork.

It's about finding peace.

Hello?

That night, when we were

T.P.Ing Tim Baker's house,

and I had one of my attacks,

and I tripped and I fell,

you could have left me there

- So rude!

- Okay, one second.

Just...

but you didn't...

Because you were my best friend.

And best friends are always

there for each other.

Moose!

- Yo!

- F*** yeah!

Beauty, ain't he?

But they threw in the matte

finish horn sheen package.

Unh. Hey, do you like

where I put him?

I could put him between the

bass and the boar's ass.

The plan was to remove all

traces of gentile from Chris,

which turned out to

be a very big task.

I don't get why I have

to sell my truck.

Because Volvos are practical

and they're safe,

But I'm never gonna be able

to fit my kill into a Volvo.

That's why you're

selling the moose head.

All right, $200 it is.

- Deal.

- All right.

Take that with you.

No, let him take it.

Chris, let him take it!

- I'm giving it to him.

- No, you're not.

You're holding on to it.

All right.

That's inappropriate.

- No. Salmon!

- Stop it.

So uh, you think I'm gonna

be ready for tomorrow night?

Ow, ow, ow.

Yes, just do what I said,

and you'll be fine.

Tell me again why I'm doing this.

Because the law states

that you can't be buried

in a Jewish cemetery if

you've desecrated your body

with tattoos, markings,

or piercings.

Well, that's stupid.

You're dead already.

Who cares?

Have you been taken

care of down there?

Down where?

Have you been circumcised?

- Sorry.

- No.

Besides, it's not that noticeable.

It is noticeable!

Mine looks normal,

and yours looks like a...

like an anteater.

Get that...

get it off of there, man.

- Sorry.

- Sorry.

If Chris was gonna stand

a chance with Alison,

he needed a crash course

in the way of the Jew.

Now, I'm your date, and

I need you to give me

seven yiddish words that

you will casually slip

into the conversation.

- Go.

- Goyim.

The second the waiter approaches,

what do you do?

Oh, uh, I'm feeling

a bit of a draft.

Would it be all right if

we move to another table?

Schvitz.

Good. Now, you've

been relocated

to the new table,

and what do you do?

Oh, could you please turn

down that loud music?

All right, now we're on

to the ordering process.

Now, you have to

remember that as a Jew,

you have to take

something on the menu

and alter it beyond

all recognition.

- All right?

- Okay.

To change that side

salad to an entree,

and would you mind throwing

a little salmon in there?

Nosh.

Uh, can I have that on the side?

- Pupik.

- Dinner comes.

The salad is exactly how

you ordered it, right?

- Right.

- Take one bite, and you...

- send it back.

- Yes, you send that sh*t back!

We never eat what we order.

- Ever, ever, ever.

- Ever!

Let's take a walk with it then.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Nice Volvo.

Thanks. I just got it.

Volvos are the safest

cars in the world,

and they last forever.

- Yeah.

- No nascar getup tonight?

Nascar?

Why?

Uh, yeah, I was gonna

wear it tonight,

but, uh, the drycleaner has it.

What you were thinking,

so I made reservations

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