Jewtopia Page #4

for 7:
00

near 1st and hope.

- It's near the music hall.

- Yeah, sure.

But smokey Joe Jefferson is

playing at the fedora tonight,

so I got us tickets.

- That sounds great.

- Great.

The music hall is on

grand and figueroa.

And I checked traffic.

The 101 is closed

between Barham and highland,

to the 110 north and

then get off on figueroa

put on your seatbelt.

So after I graduated from

penn, I traveled everywhere.

Started with southeast

Asia, went to Thailand,

I even lived in India for a month

Oh, I love that movie.

Sean Connery...

Sean Connery is great in it.

So then after I volunteered

as an aids relief

worker in the Sudan,

I just felt like I needed

to use my finance degree

to help people

in third-world countries

So that's how I started

working for the IDRF.

- Wow.

- And what about you, Avi?

What's it like to be a doctor?

Oh, uh, well...

Yeah, the hours are crazy,

and I'm on call 24/7

for emergencies.

And unfortunately, I have to deal

with a lot of crap.

But at the end of the day,

like you, I love helping people

when their plumbing gets backed up.

Bonjour.

I will be your server this evening.

Uh, yes, Claude, I'm feeling

a bit of a draft here.

Do you mind if we move

to another table?

Hm.

Ooh.

Claude, would you mind

turning down the loud music?

And turning up the lights?

It's so dark in here,

I don't think I'd be able

It would be my pleasure, sir.

But in the meantime, let me

tell you about our specials.

For appetizer, we have

a scrumptious salad

with gorgonzola, candied

walnuts, pears,

Cranberries, and a honey

dijon vinaigrette.

To die for.

Would it be possible to

change that appetizer salad

And could you substitute

feta for gorgonzola,

pecans instead of walnuts,

apples instead of pears,

and Cranberries instead of raisins?

And the honey dijon

vinaigrette...

can you put it on the side, please?

Anything else, sir?

Yes, and I hope this

isn't too much trouble,

but would you mind throwing

a little salmon in there?

- And for madame?

- That sounds great, Avi.

I'll have the same thing.

Of course.

Thanks, mensch.

So did you always

want to be a doctor?

You know, I mean, being Jewish,

Become a doctor, become a lawyer.

Become a banker and

manipulate the economy.

Go into publishing,

manipulate the media.

God, you are too much.

You're so cute.

Turn your head for a second.

- Did you get a nose job?

- No.

Are you kidding me?

That's your real nose?

That's the hottest

little Jew beak ever.

And for mademoiselle.

Mmm. That looks good.

And for monsieur.

Thank you, Claude.

This looks really good.

Mmm.

Oh.

No.

Oh, I got...

I'm... I'm sorry.

No, no, no.

Here you go.

Thanks, mensch.

And did they turn up the

heat in here or what?

I am starting to schvitz.

Yeah, we should probably go

if we're gonna make it on time.

Oh, yeah, I can't wait.

Let me take a look

at this check here.

Oh.

Okay, well,

let me just get Claude

over here for a second,

see if I can't Jew him

down on the check.

Hey, are you all right?

You seem a little, you know, quiet.

- No, I'm fine.

- Yeah?

You know, Alison, I, um...

I mean, I shouldn't even

be saying this...

it's our first date, but...

I really like you.

You know, so if I seem weird

or awkward or...

that's why.

I just... I just hope

that this is the first

date of many more to come.

Oh, damn.

Nobody plays jazz better

than the shvartzes!

L'Chaim!

Okay...

Aah! Uhh!

Come on.

- Hurry up!

- Okay.

What's taking so long?

Sorry, sorry.

- I am all manscaped.

- Mm.

Trimmed to 1/8 of an inch,

just how you like it.

Like a prepubescent boy down there.

It's so exciting.

Oh... Okay...

Love you.

Good night.

Are we gonna try and make a baby?

It's just I've had such

a long day at work,

and do you mind if

we just, you know,

skip the baby-making?

It's my most fertile

time of the month.

- Okay...

- Now make me a baby.

Right. Guess I could find

some energy.

Ooh.

Why aren't you hard?

What?

It was, like, three seconds.

- Do you want my hair down?

- No, babe, it's not...

it's not you, it's me.

It's him!

I mean, we had sex last

night and this morning

and on your lunch break.

I can't believe I'm gonna say this

but I think that I'm sexed out.

What? What?

You think it's ugly.

I... I think what's ugly?

It's okay.

It's fine.

I see 100 of 'em a day.

I know it's ugly.

Oh, no, no, I think...

no, I don't think

that it's ugly at all.

I think it's beautiful.

Then why don't you

ever go down on me?

Because I... I can't get

you pregnant like that.

Oh, now you're just making excuses!

I am not.

Okay, fine.

You want me to go down on you?

- I'm happy to go down on you.

- Good.

It's part of my manly duty.

Mmm, yummy! I want it.

- Here we go!

- Go!

- It's gonna happen

- Come on.

- Oh, my God!

- What?

- I knew it!

- What's wrong?

I was gonna make a

baby with my mouth.

- Oh!

- What happened?

You turned off the light!

I... well, it was bright in here.

And we were going to bed.

Aw, come on.

I'm sorry.

Oh, leave me and my

ugly vagina alone!

Open the door.

Honey...

Oh, my God... It's ugly.

It's not your vagina.

It's all vaginas.

What side of the

family is this from?

Hey, you've reached Alison Marks.

You know what to do, so do it.

Hey, Alison, it's Avi here.

Just wanted to tell you

I had a great time

with you last night,

and I can't wait to do it again.

So... You got the number.

Call me.

Bye.

You know what to do. Do it.

Hey, Alison,

where's my jap at?

Where's my jap?

Avi here.

Didn't hear back

from you yesterday.

But I'm sure you were just busy.

Me too. Long day of surgery

at the hospital.

So driving home now.

Thought I'd double

up, give you a call.

So you got the number.

Call me back.

Buh-bye.

You know what to do, so do it.

Hey, Alison, it's Avi.

I don't know why you're

not calling me back.

I thought we had a really

great time the other night.

And, you know, I thought

we had a real connection.

- Boss! Boss!

- I was hoping that we...

Me and Juan have been

at Mrs. Wazinsky's all day!

Boss, we can't get the

sh*t out of her pipes!

Yes. Si.

Thank you, doctors Juan and Ramone.

I will be to surgery

in just a second.

Backed up in my life!

- Avi?

- Alison, hi.

Do you want me to get

a restraining order?

Stop calling me.

Oh... Look at this one.

Isn't it beautiful?

Oh, God!

A little warning, please?

What is that, a before

and after photo?

- Yes. Isn't it amazing?

- No.

It's hard to believe

it's the same vagina.

Which one's your favorite?

I don't know.

- So come on, pick.

- Ooh, yeah.

Do you like this one?

Um... Maybe the, uh...

"Pearblossom"?

Or the... "Gentle tulip."

- You like the pearblossom?

- Mm-Hmm.

Well, that's the cheapest one.

There's nothing to it.

Oh, hold on.

Hello?

All right, relax, relax.

What's going on?

No, I can't meet you right now.

I'm... I'm in the middle

of something.

Relax and...

you know what?

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