Jewtopia
- NOT RATED
- Year:
- 2012
- 90 min
- 186 Views
1
Jacob climbed the ladder
climbed it to the sky
said, people, what's the matter?
Heaven ain't so high
people, heaven ain't so high
when you got the shield
you got the shield
of Abraham
little children
you got the shield
of Abraham
The years were lifeless
they wandered
in the desert 40 years
and ol' Moses told the children
brush away them tears
hey, kids, this ain't
no time for tears
you got the shield
of Abraham
little children
you got the shield
of Abraham
David, he fought goliath
with nothing but a tiny stone
David, little David
God knows you're not alone
David, you got the shield
you got the shield
of Abraham
little David
you got the shield
you got the shield...
My name is Christian thaddeus
Reginald Mcarthur O'Connell,
and between the ages
of 8 and 17 years old,
good old Uncle Sam restationed
my father 12 times.
- Class, please welcome...
- G.I. Joe?
From Wichita to Berlin,
nobody wanted to be
friends with the new kid.
I think G.I. Joe is cool.
Because you have a lot in common
or maybe because you want something
or because no one else
will be your friend.
And that's how I became
friends with Adam Lipschitz.
How rude of me.
Want one?
We were complete opposites,
but we became best friends.
lipschitzes... one word.
Why couldn't we have
gone to China palace?
Denny, we've discussed this.
Do you want to drop
dead of a heart attack
by the time you're 50?
No, but...
besides, I heard that they cook
with d-o-g.
Adam's mom took control of her men.
Nah, you're right, Arlene.
You're always right.
- I love you.
- Well, I love you more.
- No, I love you more.
- You just wait till later.
Ooh, is that a threat or a promise?
It kind of freaked
me out at first...
But I learned to love it.
Hi. My name's Soo Yun.
You ready to order?
Stop staring at her, Adam.
That is rude!
- Oh.
- You cute.
You stare all you like, little man.
You are not and you will
never be her little man.
I never realized how different
growing up Jewish was...
Where's my burger?
Betsy!
Until I hung out
with the O'Connells.
I'm Comin'.
I'm sorry, the tots were frozen
and I... and I had to wait
for them to defrost.
And where's my Uncle Brian's
barbecue sauce, huh?
One word... gentiles.
Oh, I got distracted
waiting for them tots.
I'll go get it.
Don't you move an inch.
Way back!
And he sees Taylor!
And the throw is up!
Aah! Touchdown!
Oh!
What the hell?
That's a touchdown.
I'll tell you one thing.
better game than Cosell,
but boy, did he have him
one heck of a beak.
Jew beak.
the first 12 years
of a Jewish man's life all
lead up to the moment
where he must transform himself
from a boy to a man.
Adam Mintz Lipschitz,
that moment has arrived.
I'd never been to any
jewy type of thing
until Adam's bar mitzvah.
Gaah!
I'm not ready to be a man!
I'm not ready to be a man!
I'm not ready to be a man!
I'm not ready!
I'm not ready!
I'm not ready to be a man!
And your fault.
- I'm not ready to be a man!
- What the hell was that?
Bar Mitzvahs rock!
Christian didn't always come
up with the smartest ideas.
Nobody calls me G.I. Joe.
My mom told me that if
your hand touches poo,
you can get psoriasis.
Yeah, whatever.
Launch sequence activated.
3, 2, 1.
Commence fire!
Mission abort!
Mission abort!
It might look like I'm
having a seizure.
I'm not.
This is a panic attack.
Get up Lipschitz, get up!
I can't, Chris.
- Get up!
- Sons of b*tches!
Do either of you know
what time it is?
3:
07 A.M., sir.And what do I like to do
at 3:
07 A.M.?Sleep, sir.
Apparently, the two of you don't.
launching bags of feces.
I need a word with you in private.
Feces?
In here.
You see, my son would have
executed like a real marine
if it hadn't been for
private Lipschitz,
who had a brain fart.
He screwed up the entire operation.
Now what the heck kind
of a weird sh*t is that?
- It's a pulmo machine.
- English!
It's for his asthma.
So your boy, he's
got a fake disease?
I'll bet you make him
wear a seatbelt too.
How is your boy still alive?
Seriously, how?
All I can say is, I
thank God and Uncle Sam
that I have been restationed.
- Schmuck.
- Come on, Christian.
Let's move.
Come on.
Where are we moving to, dad?
Camp blue Jean, South Carolina.
But I don't want to
move again, dad. I like it here.
Oh, you like it here?
You're gonna love it there.
Adam's the best
friend I've ever had.
Come on, Chris.
Chris is the best
friend that I've ever...
Move.
He was the only Jew I ever knew.
But then... College.
Could you maybe not mix the
potassium permanganate
I prefer to not explode
before graduation.
- Here. Use the hydrazine.
- Thanks.
Her name was Rebecca
Hadassah Zahada Ogin.
You know, me and you have
really good chemistry.
And just like that, all of
my decisions went away.
Oh, I'm gonna have an order
of the fried mozzarella sticks.
I didn't have to
decide what to eat...
- Surprise.
- What?
I didn't have to decide
what clothes to buy.
Oh!
I'm sorry, dudes, but Chris' gpa
has dropped over the
past two quarters,
so he will no longer be
hosting poker night.
I'm coming to you live from
the university of Colorado,
Yeah! I'm standing here with
Say hi for the...
for the audience, Rebecca.
- Hi.
- Wow.
Now Rebecca has just informed me
underneath her graduation gown.
Is that true, Rebecca?
That is true, vance,
and I dare you
to get a close-up.
Stop.
Get out.
Oh, my God.
You're so beautiful.
I just... I found this
beautiful little pink box.
You're disgusting.
No, look. Really.
Marry me, Rebecca.
have been a lot of fun together,
but we're entering
the real world now,
and in the real world,
this can't work.
Why not?
Because you're not Jewish.
Wait.
What are you saying?
It's over, Christian.
And now I'm a 31-year-old plumber,
still crying over his
college girlfriend.
I miss Bec-Bec.
Okay, I located that one!
70 pounds of pressure
rising! Over!
Okay. Locating
the septic tank!
Looking at 85 pounds
and rising! Over!
Are you there, boss?
Over!
Yeah, guys, I'm here.
Sorry, sorry.
And did you find the gas line?
Yeah, got it.
- Got it too.
- Okay, boss.
We're going to shut
them both down, okay?
Tres, dos, shut off!
Guys, I'm really sorry.
I don't know what happened.
I must have spaced out.
It's cool, boss.
No worries.
I space out too sometime.
But if it was my responsibility
to turn off the gas and sewer lines
of my loyal, hardworking,
underpaid employees
with 10,000 pounds of raw sewage,
I would not f***ing space out!
Sorry. What'd you say?
I spaced out.
Ay, madre de dios!
Que es eso?
What is that?
- What?
- Que es eso? Que...
What was I thinking, coming
to work with you today?
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"Jewtopia" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 4 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/jewtopia_11274>.
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