Jewtopia Page #5

Yes, I can. Yes, I can.

Okay, I'll meet you in 20 minutes.

All right, babe. I'm so sorry.

I... I have to go.

What do you mean you have to go?

- And I gotta go meet him.

- Who? What friend?

He's a friend from grade

school... I gotta go.

- You can't leave.

- Why can't I leave?

I don't know which one to get!

Just get one of 'em! Right?

I mean, like, it's not

that big of a deal.

It's a big deal.

This is for you.

I understand.

It's not that hard.

Just go through it.

The "gentle tulip."

"Calla Lily Breeze."

"LA petite canyon."

Ooh, stay away

from "Venus flytrap."

That looks like a...

like a limp starfish,

and I don't want to

be looking at that

when I'm doing wonderful

things to it.

Okay.

Pick whatever you want.

Any price.

Kisses.

Oh... Looks like my mom's.

Wait, wait, wait, she said,

"stop calling me?"

I'm gonna get

a restraining order."

It takes a special kind of woman

to dance naked at 10:00 A.M.

Give it up for crystal.

Did you complain

there was a draft and ask...

And you took something on the menu

I put salmon on it.

I sent it back.

Jewel, Carla...

Lap dances.

I did everything that

you told me to do.

My pupik was stuffed

from the noshing,

Then I told smokey Joe

Jefferson nobody plays jazz

- better than the Schvartzahs.

- What?

You... you called him

a Sschvartzah?

- Yeah, right to his face.

- No.

- Wait, is that bad?

- Yeah, that's bad!

- Why did you teach me that.

- Okay, I'm sorry.

That's only

a Jew-to-Jew thing,

that I'd ever met, and that she had

the cutest little Jew

beak I'd ever seen.

And I asked the waiter if I could

Jew him down on the check.

Yeah, but she knew that you

were joking... that's different.

Jews don't talk to

each other like that?

No! No! We don't!

- Oh...

- It's over.

- I'm out.

- You are in.

- Oh...

- Oh, you are in.

- Yes.

- Son of a b*tch.

Marcy Marks...

President of temple Beth Jacob

wife of my rabbi, and

Alison's mother.

She was also the principal

of my Hebrew school.

From what I know, no man has ever

been good enough for Alison.

But if you can get that

woman's seal of approval,

you might have a second chance.

I'll never forget

that day I met her.

Need some help?

You touch my daughter,

and I'll wear your

balls as earrings.

- Boom!

- Ow.

They've got to be kidding me.

Schlomy and I don't stand a chance.

- Yes, yes.

- Thanks.

I'm telling you the

Fleischmans are unbeatable.

Yes. Good-bye.

Oh, honey, have you tried this

caramel apple skim cappuccino?

It is to die for.

Fleisch... Man.

Caramel apple skim cappuccinos.

Ah.

The earthquake was all

the way in death valley.

What do you mean I sound sick?

I'm not sick.

What do you mean I sound sick?

Yes, if you send me multivitamins,

- I will take them.

- Good. Good.

Every time we get off the

phone with each other,

we have to say

"I love you."

You're kidding.

- I love you, mom.

- Perfect.

Okay, bye.

Sorry, that was my mom.

Dr. Avi Rosenberg,

may we please now continue

- with the interview?

- Oh, yes, please.

Because I was just

at handlebar coffee,

and they screwed up my order.

I like caramel apple cappuccino.

They gave me a caramel

apple skim cappuccino.

Hmm.

Sure, why not?

Great.

Okay, you are single, 31 years old,

unmarried, no children.

Are you gay?

Well, then why aren't you married?

Oh, believe me, Mrs. Marks

there is nothing

that I would like more than to find

a special young lady

who shares my values

and my beliefs.

As a matter of fact,

just a couple weeks ago,

I met a wonderful girl.

We went out.

We had a wonderful first date.

I never heard from her again.

Yes, well, finding

that special someone

is never easy, doctor.

And especially for me.

I just, you know, moved

here from Skokie,

and I'm busy with my

practice, of course,

And volunteering for Hadassah

like I do...

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

Yes, mom?

- Colonoscopy.

- Yes, I had my colonoscopy.

- Fiber.

- I do get plenty of fiber.

Mom, I'm sorry but I

have to go, okay?

I do. I love you.

I love the way you wake

up in the morning,

- And then the sunlight comes...

- Too much! Too much!

Okay, I'm gonna hang up. Bye.

I must say that I find

this very unusual.

That a young, attractive,

single doctor

would walk in here by himself

wanting to join this temple.

Now, why don't you tell me

what is really going on?

Mrs. Marks, did you know

that in the last 20 years,

the rate of inter-faith marriage

among our people

has risen from 7% to 40%?

According to the ajc,

by the year 2050,

our people are gonna be

completely wiped out.

Now, I'm just one man.

I can't stop it myself.

But I'm not gonna sit

here on the sidelines

and watch it happen.

That's what's going on.

All right, I'll be right there.

All right, all right.

- So you're in.

- Oh, yeah, I'm in.

She's putty.

Still going down Saturday, right?

You master duplicate bridge yet?

And rubber.

That sh*t reeks.

You guys really eat that?

Gefilte fish is mandatory.

All right, I'm gonna

put it in this drawer.

Don't take it out till Saturday.

Ugh.

So good to see you.

There's plenty of room over there.

You guys, I want you

to keep eyes forward

and pay attention.

Understand?

- Marcy.

- Avi!

What a nice surprise.

Surprise?

I'm a new member here.

- That's a beautiful purse.

- Arianne tunney.

- Winter, 2012.

- Really?

I coveted this bag, and I got it.

There's something about this

- that just...

- Wish me luck, lollypop.

Honey, honey, you

are gonna need it.

Oh, today we have a

double bar mitzvah.

- Oy.

- This is our newest member

I was telling you about, Avi.

Has Marcy warned you about

our little penis club?

Oh, no... uh, penis club?

18 years ago, a boy

named Adam Lipschitz

had a panic attack during

his bar mitzvah...

Dropped his trousers,

and exposed himself

to the congregation.

- That's messed up.

- Oh, it is messed up, Avi.

What's even more messed

up is that to this day,

Adam's lewd act has become

the rite of passage

for every boy who's had his

bar mitzvah at our temple.

In fact, there hasn't been a

bar mitzvah boy since 1993

who hasn't shown his penis

to the entire congregation.

I've tried everything.

They won't stop.

I've seen the penises

of 459 young boys.

So unless you're really

into schlongs, Avi,

this ain't the temple for you.

Avi, schlomy and I are

so embarrassed that,

on your very first Saturday

morning service with us,

you had to see... Genitals.

And we sincerely hope that

the fact that our temple

has a penis club won't

make you consider

joining elsewhere.

Not at all, not at all.

What was the name of the young man

who started it all?

Adam...

Lipschitz.

I hope I don't run into him.

- Yes, don't we all.

- I've seen enough.

Excuse me, rabbi, would

you like some fish?

Oh, yes, thank you, uh, hyman.

- Thank you.

- Mm-Hmm.

Oy!

Wow.

I have to say, our

people have invented

a lot of lousy food,

but gefilte fish

might be the worst.

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