Jewtopia Page #6

My advice is to get it over

with as quickly as possible.

Two bites.

Wham, bam... Done!

Ah. Ahh!

- Go away!

- Damn it, schlomo,

- I am coming in there.

- No, you don't wanna see this!

It'll change you.

It changed me.

I'm shitting...

Oh, Marcy, I hate to do

this to you, cupcake,

but I think I'm gonna have to

bow out of the tournament.

No! No!

No, no, no, schlomo.

You are not doing any such thing.

If we have to take some

sort of slop bucket,

- then so be it.

- I'm sorry, lollypop.

We'll just have to

wait another year

to beat those damn Fleischmans.

Darn it. What tournament?

What tournament?

It is the N.B.L.A. Regionals.

We are in the finals.

It starts in three hours.

- Oh.

- But... Well...

I guess that I won't

be going this year.

I play bridge.

Dear God, all I do is help you!

I want to thank all of

you for taking part

in what is the world's

greatest sporting event...

duplicate bridge!

Stand up, feel the sun

you know your time has come

all or none, it's

time to feel alive

So here is destiny

to claim your victory

- gimme a 4 of diamonds.

- 4 of diamonds.

- Give me an 8 of clubs.

- The 8 of clubs.

- Give me an ace of spades.

- Ace of spades.

And what does that spell, Avi?

Bridge, b*tches!

- Hoo-yeah!

- Boo-yeah!

You got it, walk away

Stack 'em up and hear...

Jack trump, in yo face!

We have a two-way tie.

- That means...

- Sudden death!

- Yes!

- Oh, yeah!

You've all been

briefed on the rules.

Three boards.

Two out of three wins.

Let's keep it clean.

Begin!

On your mark, get ready,

here we go, it's time to play

it's a battle, battle,

you had better walk away

Yes!

Rosenberg/Marks lead 1-0.

They're freaking me

out a little bit.

I've been playing

with them for years.

It's disturbing.

Ooooh! Oh! Oh!

- We can do this, right?

- Trust me.

It's over.

- Trump! What!

- Oh!

Trump, baby!

It's called trump!

- It's called trump!

- I can't believe it.

- You did it!

- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh, my God!

Finally!

Who's the big winners over here?

Who beat the Fleischmans?

I beat the Fleischmans.

- We beat the Fleischmans.

- You!

You did it!

You did it.

Oh, you are amazing.

You are totally...

we did it. We did it. Yeah.

- Who wants an autograph?

- Oh, honey.

Honey, did you see us?

Oh...

- Alison.

- Avi. What are you doing here?

Wait, you two know each other?

This is the girl I told you about.

She never called me back.

How do you two know each other?

That's my daughter.

Can I talk to you

just for a second?

Um, I... I met that guy

at your last mixer.

We went on a date, and

he ended up being

one of the strangest

guys I've ever met.

How can you possibly say that?

I think he is wonderful.

He asked our waiter if he could

And then he said that I had

a cute little Jew-beak.

Oh, I'm sure that

he was just joking.

- He's very funny.

- Really?

Okay, well, then we

went to a jazz club,

and he stood up in

front of everyone

and said that smokey Joe

Jefferson was a Sschvartzah.

Well, he is one, isn't he?

He is a psycho!

I mean, isn't it obvious that

he's, like, stalking me?

Oh, please.

Now come on.

It's not like he has time to stalk.

No, obviously this is some

sort of crazy coincidence

that, you know, it's...

now wait a minute.

A... actually, I... I don't...

I don't think that this

is a coincidence at all.

No, I think that this

just might be fate

trying to get you two together.

Wow.

All right, Alison,

darling, listen to me.

You are 27 years old.

And have I ever tried to

set you up with anyone?

No! And why is that?

Because I have never felt that

anyone was good enough for you.

Until now.

Mm, mm, mm.

- What are you doing?

- What?

I told you to let me

get to the altar,

look at me for 15 seconds,

let the tension build,

and then slowly pull my veil back.

Can somebody get him

off the shitter?

Okay, fine. Whatever.

Let's just keep going.

We have to keep doing it

till we get it right.

I clocked you pulling back

the veil after four seconds.

Yeah, that's the least

of our problems.

You didn't even have

tears in your eyes

- when you lifted up the veil.

- It's a rehearsal!

Who cares if it's a rehearsal?

Don't you love my daughter

so much that you tear up

every time you see her?

I can't believe you're

being so insensitive.

That she is still recovering

from her surgery?

Oh, by the way, Hannah,

how's your new vag?

Jill! Stop talking

about Hannah's vagina.

Less ugly?

- Dennis!

- Dad!

- What?

- Pookie-poo?

The Daniels are right.

Because we only have three

more rehearsals left

Megan, sweetie, your

pedal throwing's got

Remember, it's three

petals per step.

Screw it up again and

you're both out.

Okay, so let's take

it from the poems.

What?

The poems?

- Yeah.

- Oh, honey.

But I need to see your performance

so I can give you notes.

Okay!

- "Hannah."

- Yes.

"The day I met you

it was like a dream,

"even more thrilling than my

father's new embroidery machine.

- Fine.

- Fine.

"My feelings toward

you are so extreme

"that sometimes when I'm with you

"I just...

I just wanna s...

- Scream."

- What grade is he in?

"The thought of being without you

"words can't explain.

"If you only knew what

was going on inside...

My br... "

- Ah!

- Brain. Brain!

"Brain.

"I can't believe I'm about to spend

the rest

of my years with you."

Good.

"And in just a few minutes...

"I'm going to say the words...

"'I...

"'I...

I... I'm gonna say the words

'I... "

What are you doing?

I'm not ready to be a man.

- What?

- Again?

I'm not ready to be a man.

- What!

- I'm not ready to be a man!

I'm not ready to be a man!

- Adam!

- I'm not ready to be a man!

Adam!

This is why I wanted to rehearse!

What the f***!

I can't believe I was

so wrong about you.

Why does my mother have to

be right about everything?

You know mothers.

Mm.

What does it look like I'm doing?

No, no.

I think we should...

I think we should take it slow.

You're kidding, right?

No, no, because, um...

Sex, you know, has a way

of complicating things,

and I wanna get to know you.

I wanna get to know the real you.

I've never met a guy

who wanted to wait.

That is so... Hot.

Oh, sh*t.

That's my phone.

Hold on, hold on.

What are you do...

what are you doing, man?

I've been calling you all week.

I haven't even heard from you.

What's the mat...

wait, wait, wait.

Hannah?

Who's Hannah?

So then I saw your commercial.

So I went to the palace

and we've been hanging

out ever since.

He never said a word

to us about this.

God forbid he should

tell us anything.

Have you heard from him

at all in the last week?

No, no.

I've been calling him too.

He hasn't returned any of my calls.

What if he was raped and murdered

Did he say anything about

Hannah, about the wedding?

No, nothing. I... I...

- daddy!

- You know what?

I disappeared for six months

before my wedding, right, honey?

Uh, that was me.

That's right, it was...

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