Jewtopia Page #7

how are you a doctor?

Oh, my God!

He's gone forever, and I'm

never gonna have a baby!

Oh, God!

I'm never gonna have a grandchild.

God damn it, do something, Bruce!

No!

- I'm not ready to be a man.

- Hello?

- I'm not ready to be a man.

- Adam?

Now the doctors at the hospital

referred you to serenity hills

because they felt

that Adam required

a more intense, hands-on

environment for his condition.

His condition?

Oh, Adam is suffering

from a severe case

of post traumatic stress disorder.

Oh.

- What the...

- I didn't do it.

I just don't understand

- Not again.

- And your fault.

Honey, you can still

change your mind.

What the...

Seems fine to me.

- Get him!

- Pookie!

Run! Get him!

Get back here!

In case like Adam's, who has

a long history of panic attacks,

what we refer to as the "ha,"

or the hyperaroused state.

Oh.

Is Adam attempting to isolate

and detach from his feelings,

thus creating what we call

emotional detachment,

or numb nuts...

numbness... numbing.

Sorry.

Now, over the next 21 days,

we are going to be implementing

a series of therapies

and treatments.

21 days. No, no, no.

That is July 2nd.

July 2nd my wedding.

We gotta get him outta

here quicker than that.

Do you have, like,

an express service?

This is our only son

you're talking about.

We're not putting him on

some express service!

- Whoa! Whoa!

- Ugh!

We need 21 days, and if

you cannot give us that,

- then get him outta here!

- No!

We could go swimming.

I don't know.

No, you don't need to cry.

It's gonna be okay.

Is it just me or does that

dolphin look like Hannah?

He never did that with me, ever!

- F*** you, Adam!

- F*** you!

Johnny Williams, come on down!

Oh, gosh, I don't think I've

seen this since I was a kid.

Wow.

It's amazing they can

still find humans

who will actually

appear on this show.

I'm Sala Khan.

I've been assigned to be

your primary counselor.

Look, if you don't wanna

talk, it's no problem.

You don't have to talk.

These things take time.

And I've got all the time you need.

All right, are you

ready for some paco?

- Okay, let's do it.

- Let's walk out.

And give it a drop.

Okay, all right.

Here it goes.

A little tea time.

Why is that only fat people

make it into the showdown?

Fine.

You know, you wanna sit there

like a vegetable all day

and pretend like you don't hear me,

then go right ahead.

But my job is to

make you well again

by having you face

the traumatic events

that have forced you

into this state.

So... Unless you're willing

to turn off the TV and do that,

then I would save the 2,500

a day you're spending here

and go check yourself into a hotel.

Suit yourself.

You stare all you like, little man.

What did you just say?

Mm, so anyway, the moyil slips,

a piece falls off,

hits me in the punim.

I been cockeyed ever since.

So, Avi, Alison tells

me you're from Skokie.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, Al and I

grew up in Glenview.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

Oh, really?

Yeah, we were

practically neighbors.

- Your family still there?

- Nope.

- Where'd they move to?

- They moved...

To heaven.

Oh... I'm so sorry.

- When did they pass?

- They, um...

they passed a few years back.

Can't believe you

never told me that.

Well, it's hard to talk about it.

It's very raw.

- Why, what happened?

- Hunting accident.

- Oy!

- Hunting accident?

- Your par...

- They got shot by hunters.

What were your parents

doing wandering around

where people were hunting?

The hunters were hunting

in our backyard.

What were the hunters

doing in your backyard?

They had gotten lost

and, uh, were off track.

And, uh, my parents were

wearing their brown onesies

and the...

The, um... the hunters

mistook them for elk.

- Elk.

- What happened to the hunters?

- Were they arrested?

- No.

- They are still at large.

- You know what, Avi?

The police in Skokie's

an old friend of mine.

I'm calling him tomorrow.

We'll see if we can't

help move things along.

Huh.

Forgive me, but weren't you

on the phone with your...

can we... can we talk

about something else?

- Of course.

- I was watching TV last night.

Charleton heston.

What an actor.

Not Jewish, you know.

Who isn't?

So I'm... I'm up there

and we're rehearsing these...

these poems that we had

written for each other.

And... and right at the part

where I'm about to say "I do"

I just... I just cracked.

Good, Adam.

Do you remember how

you were feeling

in that very moment?

No.

I mean, I... I just...

for a split second, I saw

my entire life with Hannah

flash before my eyes.

And why did that scare you?

Probably because I...

I don't think she's right for me.

So then why are you marrying her?

You're avoiding the question, Adam.

I think you do know.

Now what I want you to do

is try to pinpoint the

exact moment in your life

where this pressure you're

feeling originated.

I was 12 years old.

Stop staring at her, Adam.

That is rude!

You cute.

You stare all you like, little man.

You are not, and you will never be,

her little man.

- Why can't I be her little man?

- Because she's not Jewish.

So I can't be with a

girl who's not Jewish?

- That's right.

- Why?

- And we owe it to them.

- Why?

So what does that

have to do with me?

The fate of our entire

religion depends on you!

It depends on me!

It depends on me!

It's all right.

It all depends on me!

It's all right.

It's all right, Adam.

Rosh Hashanah. Oh, God!

Oh, God, bar Mitzvahs!

Oh, God!

Adam, that was really good.

Really good!

I'm here.

Hey, boss, can I get

the Crescent wrench?

Yeah, here.

Ah, gracias.

You have soft hands.

Ugh. Hey, boss, you remember

that one time we went to...

Shh, shh, shh!

Don't say a word.

Hey, hey, beautiful.

How you doing?

Oh, nothing, you know.

Just here at the hospital.

Checking in on patients,

patients, patients.

What's up, baby?

And he talked to the chief

of police in Skokie.

And there's no record

of any Rosenbergs

being shot and killed by hunters.

In fact, there hasn't been

a hunting-related death

in Skokie... Ever.

So I went online to research it,

and I couldn't find anything.

Alison, I didn't wanna

have to tell you this,

but my parents...

Were in the Witness

Protection program.

And when they were murdered,

the FBI destroyed their records.

Oye, boss, tu estas loco.

What were they doing in the

Witness Protection program?

- Jimmy hoffa?

- What about Jimmy hoffa?

Look, I've said too much

already, do you understand?

Avi, I just feel like you're

hiding things from me.

And you never tell me that

your parents were murdered

by elk hunters?

And now they're in the

Witness Protection program?

I'm just starting to wonder

if you might be... Gay.

Whoa, whoa.

Why would you think I'm gay?

Because what guy goes out

with a girl for a whole month

and doesn't wanna sleep with her?

I do, I wanna sleep

with you. I just...

Ew. That is exactly

what my aunt Judy's husband

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