Jewtopia Page #8

told her right before

they got married.

And 20 years and two kids later,

she walks in on him tied up

with a rubber ball

gag in his mouth,

being sodomized by a transsexual

who is dressed as Dorothy

from the wizard of oz!

Okay, and I am not gonna

turn out like my aunt Judy.

O...

Okay, okay, okay.

Listen, we will sleep together.

- I... let's do this, baby.

- Really?

- Do you mean that?

- Oh, yeah.

When? When are we gonna have sex?

I get back from the medical

conference in Dallas.

What medical conference in Dallas?

Remember I told you about

that a couple weeks ago?

When are you leaving?

Like, in two hours.

You know, when you in hell,

maybe you and Ted Bundy

can be roommates, cabron.

You know, Bruce, I'm

looking at a bill here

for $42,765, and

considering we said

we'd split all the

wedding expenses,

How is your son going

crazy a wedding expense?

Well, it happened during

a wedding rehearsal,

so I think the case could

be made in a court of law,

- this is a wedding expense.

- Nice try, nice try.

He's got a well-documented

pre-existing condition.

His condition was never that

bad until he met Hannah.

Hey, are you implying

that my daughter

had something to do

with Adam's freak out?

Oh, she's not implying.

- She's saying.

- I had nothing to do with this.

Oh, right, you're not insane.

Everyone, please!

We have worked very hard

to get Adam to the point

he is at in his therapy,

and he has had a very tough time,

but these last few days,

he has truly managed

to come from behind.

- Oh, God, oh, God!

- Mepong, nekock... ho!

- Oh! Oh! Oh, God!

- Oh, ping-to!

- F***.

- What the...

- What? Mom, dad?

- Oh, God!

Get off of my boy!

What are you...

what are you doing?

He never tried that with me!

What is everybody doing

here at the same time?

- Oh, God.

- Oh.

So let me get this straight.

You no longer want

to get married to me

because you're in love with

your Mongolian doctor?

I know this must be a

shock for everyone,

but when Adam finally

opened up to me,

I don't know, we just clicked.

What do you mean you just clicked?

We are not going to get anywhere

by attacking each other.

- Mm-Hmm.

- Sala, please continue.

By the way, you're fired.

Well, I'm Buddhist and you know,

both of our religions were

born out of struggle,

so we both place

emphasis on family,

education, and hard work.

And the intense pressure

that Adam feels

is the same pressure I

feel to marry a Mongolian,

so it's no wonder why

we're able to connect.

For 43 grand,

you could have connected with

every chick in Mongolia!

Okay, sala.

Hypothetically speaking,

if you two to were to stay

together and get... Married,

how would you raise your children?

Oh, mom, do we have to

get into this right now?

Well, isn't that what this is for?

Okay, well, the truth is...

- The truth is...

- What's the truth, Adam?

The truth is, I don't know if

I want to raise my kids Jewish!

- Oh, sh*t.

- Jesus.

Who are you?

Was I not a good mother to you?

Who got you the trampoline

that could poke your eye out?

I did.

And when you were in fifth grade

and you wanted to take

karate lessons in Chinatown,

who drove you there

three nights a week

and sat in the parking lot,

all alone, in the dark?

I did.

And do you know why?

Because you're my son,

and I love you.

And how do you show

your love for me?

You have doggy-style sex

with your Mongolian therapist

on your wedding day!

And then you say to me, "hey, mom,

I'm not sure if I want

to raise my kids Jewish."

Oh, Adam, that's fine!

That's fine, just...

- Mom, stop it!

- Just take it right now!

Oh, okay, Adam, so

you're saying that

our entire time together

meant nothing to you?

- We never hit you!

- We never fondled you!

I got le petite canyon for you!

Honey, honey, I think

we dodged a bullet.

- Yeah, she seems nice.

- I mean,

you better get a good lawyer,

freak-boy,

Okay, this. This right here.

You want to know why I went nuts?

It's because all of you are nuts!

Hannah, I'm sorry that

I can't marry you,

but it's better that

we end this right now,

rather than dragging this

on for a long f***ing time.

And mom, I'm sorry that

you had to do things

that you didn't want to do.

But you know what?

So did I.

I joined the family business and

became "the embroidery prince."

Well, how happy can a man be?

And to top it off, I've never

dated a woman who wasn't Jewish

my entire life.

Well, you know what?

I'm not doing things for

you guys anymore, huh?

I'm doing things for me,

because I love salad.

- Sala.

- Sala.

And that's pretty cool.

I love you too.

Oh, God.

Are you gonna be paying

by cash or check?

The dorsal slit allows a

tight ring of phimotic skin

to be expanded by shortening

the skin near the incision.

With this technique,

the phimotic skin

is allowed to stay intact,

and finally, the neocrosing crush.

By using the Tara Klamp,

the skin is crushed

for around ten days,

until it suffocates and dies.

With this technique, the skin bonds

without needing sutures.

- Oh, this is tough, though.

- Yeah.

I mean... I mean, you gotta

love the dorsal slit.

- Well.

- Right?

I got the widest variety

of scarring options.

Honestly, I'm kind of partial

to the temporary crush.

Of the sleeve resection, but

you get that pump action

- of the gomco device there.

- Yeah, yeah.

Plus, it reduces your

smegma by, like, 75%.

- It does?

- Yeah.

Done, sold.

Going with the

temporary crush, boy.

Snip-snip time,

Mr. O'Connell.

- Oh.

- Whew.

- Is this your life partner?

- Who?

- Okay.

- Not that that's weird at all,

- but just, you know.

- Okay, Mr. O'Connell.

So me going to turn this

little knobby here on,

and you're going to

just slowly drift away.

Me want you to breathe,

relax, enjoy it.

Breathe in, breathe in.

- I'm scared.

- You have nothin'

to be afraid of, boy.

Nurse boo is Goin' sing

you a little ditty

- and make you feel all better.

- Oh.

When I was only eight days old

hurrah, hurrah

a-Billy Billy Billy bum

when I was only eight

days old hurrah, hurrah

- A-Billy Billy Bil...

- The moyil came

I thought he was going

to take my life

but he only took a

little bit off the top

a little bit off

the top top, top

little bit off the top

Top

oh.

Easy there,

Mr. O'Connell.

Next time, don't trust your

circumcision to an hmo.

I think she's nice.

I just... I can't believe

that you're doing all of this

just so you don't have to

make any more decisions.

Oh, Adam.

You don't get it.

All those things that you say

drive you crazy, I love.

- Ah.

- I love that your parents

smother you.

I love that

if they hear about a tornado

in Kansas, they call you,

even though you live

in Los Angeles.

Yeah, we're very nervous people.

You email each other

your itineraries

because...

because you never know.

- You know?

- No.

- You never know.

- Never know.

For the past 5,000 years,

every civilization,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes