Jewtopia Page #9

every culture has tried to

have you guys annihilated.

- Yeah, we are not liked.

- I like you.

Like, you're getting the...

Now, Mohammed El-sheikh

El sheen El-sheikh is up here.

Now, he's gonna come up here,

and then, we got Mohammed...

- Muhammad Ali?

- No.

Stop that.

O'Connell here.

Speak up!

Hi, daddy, it's your

son, Christian!

I'm in Tahiti having

myself a mai tai.

What in the hell do

you think I'm doing?

Fighting terrorists,

spreading democracy.

Dad, guess what I'm doing?

Oh, I'm here

with Adam lipschitz.

You remember him?

Adam lipschitz?

Didn't I order you

to stay away from that boy?

No, daddy, we're life partners.

No, sir, that's inaccurate, sir!

Life partners?

Now, what the hell

- Means he's a homo, dad.

- What?

Yeah, we're here at the

hospital, you know,

'cause I... he's with me

so I can get circum...

- circumcised, sir.

- What... no, not for me, though.

Circumcised!

Circumcised?

Yeah, so I can be a Jew, daddy.

You can be a...

a Jew?

Daddy, I want to tell

you something too,

because I don't think I've

ever told you this before.

We never say this, but I love you.

Daddy, I love you.

Hi.

- Ow!

- Sorry.

- Ugh.

- You know, I'm glad

like something's missing.

- A little bit off the top

- Ow.

- Top

- Top

Alison?

- Want to have sex?

- Mm... Not really.

Go, go, go, go, go!

- Clear left!

- Clear right!

Didn't I order you to keep

your son away from my son?

- Excuse me?

- Don't you play dumb with me,

sh*t-lives.

- Buck O'Connell?

- Oh, jeez!

Your Adam has turned my

Christian into some gay Jew!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Buck, slow down.

What are you talking about?

They're life partners.

Life partners?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What makes you think this?

He called and told me

while he was in

hospital with your Adam

that he was about to

get his pecker chopped

so they could be gay Jews together.

And then, he told me,

"dad, I love you."

What the hell is going on, huh?

Oh, Dennis, we pushed him

too far, and he snapped.

With all the pressure

that we put on him

to marry a Jewish girl,

the Asian wasn't enough,

and... and... and he...

he went the other way.

- Oh, God.

- Okay, Buck, first of all,

- Whoa, hey, hey, hey, whoa.

- Take it easy, old man.

I'm having a hard time

believing any of this.

Oh, yeah?

Then where's your boy right now?

Buddy, I'm so happy you're here,

- Yeah, please.

- I gotta be honest,

And how many times a day

do you have to do it?

Oh! Really, I can't

do this myself.

- Please, come and do it.

- God.

- Come on, just help me.

- Okay.

Come here.

Put some of that jelly on it,

- and let's get going.

- Okay.

I may gag a little

as we're going here, but...

- that's okay.

- Oh, God.

Everyone gags.

- Ugh.

- Everyone gags.

- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-hoo-hoo.

- Oh.

- Oh, that's good, that's good.

- Ugh.

I'm actually really

happy that you went

- Really, how's it look?

- Yeah, it looks really good.

More vaseline, more vaseline.

- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

- Clear!

Oh, God!

What?

- Ten-hut!

- Drop...

The petroleum jelly, and back

away from my son's anus.

Holy sh*t.

- I knew it.

- Don't shoot him, dad.

- Mom?

- Adam.

- Dad?

- Damn it, Adam,

jelly's for toast!

Alison, I'm not a Jew,

and I'm not a doctor,

and my name is not Avi Rosenberg.

Well, then who the hell are you?

I'm Christian Thadius

Reginald Mcarthur O'Connell.

I begged my friend

Adam here to help me

pass myself off as a Jew so that

you'd be able to date me.

Penis club?

Alison, how's it going.

Marcy.

Don't you even look at me.

- Rabbi, I'm so sorry.

- You.

- "Penis club"?

- Before Adam came along,

I watched nascar, and I had

the heads of dead animals

and I had no idea that when you

order a salad at a restaurant

you can order the dressing

on the side...

let alone custom-create

your own dishes off the menu.

Hell are you talking about?

I fed you Caesar salad.

Jews can custom-create their

own dishes off the menu.

They're always up to something.

I can hear you!

That's why I messed

up our date so bad,

'cause I wasn't being myself.

And then Adam told me the

only way I'm ever gonna

be able get you back is if

I could convince your mom

that I was the greatest

guy in the world.

So that's why I poisoned your dad

with the rotten gefilte

fish, because I wanted

to partner with your mom

in the bridge tournament.

All right, we finally beat

the Fleischmans, schlomy,

Was there ever a medical

conference in Dallas?

No, I just needed time

to recover from the circumcision.

- Oh!

- Oh, Jesus!

I wouldn't mind

having circus vision.

Why would you do all that?

Because I love you.

Alison, I love you.

Oh.

And I want... I want you to make

every decision for me

for the rest of my life.

Will you do that?

So I'm just supposed to forget

about everything you just said

because you love me?

Yes, please.

Son, stop this hollering and

just propose to the girl.

Don't put the tongue in.

Well, that haircut is awful,

so let me make an appointment

for you with my guy,

'cause he's the best.

I should take that as a "yes," huh?

- Yes.

- I'll take that as a "yes."

- Oh.

- Mazel tov.

Oh.

Schlomy, we've got a plumber.

Christian Thadius Reginald

Mcarthur O'Connell... Rosenberg.

Now, that's a nice Jewish name.

We are so thrilled that

you finally decided

to come on a moose hunt with us.

I can't wait to kill

me a ten-pointer.

I'm gonna skin him and gut him

- and pull out his rectum.

- Shh.

- That's the spirit.

- Nobody is pulling out

- Think of it, e coli.

- You could be more...

you could get bacterium.

There are no wipes

here that I can see.

Shut up!

Stop the kvetching.

Marcy, yarmulke man, take a knee.

Knee?

- Oy, cramp.

- Careful.

Not like that!

For God's sake.

Shh.

I remember when my father took

me out for my first hunt.

We all fought like crazy

over who's gonna be the lucky one

- to pull out that rectum.

- Ah.

- That's what they do.

- Oh, thank you.

- Nog, baby?

- Damn right.

- Nog, baby?

- Oh, daddy loves mama's nog.

Nog, baby?

I'm not really much of a nog guy.

You know, the dairy kind of

makes my acid reflux kick in,

and I'm not even sure if

the eggs are cage free,

one sip won't kill me, I guess.

- Nog, baby?

- Oh, yeah.

Moose!

- Moose!

- Oh, yeah!

Nar nuteng and jebei n whatever,

my wife and I, we want to thank

you for your hospitality

- and for these beautiful hats.

- Oh.

My father says it's an honor

and they've learned a

great deal of wisdom

from all of you this week.

Thank you, thank you.

My mother says you're gonna

love the fried marmot.

- It's a speciality.

- Oh, Dennis, did you hear that?

I can have fried food

once every few months.

That you shouldn't have

fried food, I just...

- Just eat what they order.

- But I... why?

We're not even kosher.

Why do you care?

I had a dream

where we saw everyone with

a smile on their face

oh, I had a dream

of a day when our love

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