Jim Gaffigan: Noble Ape

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1

BOY:

That's Mom and Dad.

[hip-hop music]

MAN:
Ladies and gentlemen,

Jim Gaffigan!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you!

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, my gosh,

you make me feel

only 20 pounds overweight.

"Oh, look at his beard.

He's--

He's got quite a beard.

He looks like an out of shape

Civil War general."

My dearest Peggy...

it has been a fortnight

since I have had a salad.

I love my beard.

You grow a beard

and strangers are fascinated.

I have strangers

coming up to me,

"Hey, why'd you grow

your beard out?"

"I joined Al-Qaeda."

"Don't even joke around

about that."

But you can ask

about facial hair, right?

You can't be like,

"Hey, how long you had

the man b*obs?

Are they natural?"

Now you're looking

at my man b*obs.

To me

they're beautiful.

When do I get a Dove commercial?

I'm talking about

the Dove ice cream bar

which barely cleans your body

and is less racist.

Thank you for coming out.

It is great to be here.

Thank you so much.

It is...

It's been a crazy year for me.

Crazy year.

I don't know if you know,

in April it was discovered

my wife had a brain tumor.

I'm not even making this up.

It was removed.

She's great.

-Everything's good. Thank you.

-[cheers and applause]

I didn't remove it.

I was in the other room

soiling myself, but...

the tumor is gone

along with my ability

to ever win another argument.

It's not like I was winning

a lot before,

but now I'm retired.

And luckily my wife's

not the type to bring it up.

Well, once she did.

She was like, "You know,

I did have brain surgery."

And I couldn't be like,

"Yeah, that was like

a month ago.

It's time to move on,

you know?

What about my

seasonal allergies?

We all have our cross to bear."

It was crazy.

You know,

the surgeon told me the tumor

was the size of a pear--

which is scary,

but also confusing.

I was like,

"Did he go to med school

or a farmer's market?"

But tumors are often compared

to fruit.

A pear, a lemon,

a grapefruit.

Interesting fact,

worst tumor, grapefruit.

Worst fruit, grapefruit.

When you think about it,

a grapefruit looks more

like a tumor

than a fruit.

I must feel sorry

for grapefruit.

"Yeah, we can't win,

you know?

We're already the worst fruit,

now we're compared

to the worst tumor?

Well, at least we help

old people poop."

That is the worst impression

of a grapefruit ever.

It's kind of unfortunate

that there's another fruit

that's much smaller

named "grape"

'cause you know there's

situations in doctor's offices,

"We found a tumor,

it's the size of a grape--"

"Thank God."

"I didn't finish...

Grapefruit."

"Oh, that's--

that's very different."

It was strange.

You know, when the doctor

told me the tumor

was the size of a pear,

I thought, "Wow, I guess doctors

are bad at analogies."

But I quickly realized

they're just dumbing it down

for idiots like me.

Like the surgeon looked at me

and thought,

"Well, this guy's not gonna

understand centimeters.

I don't even wanna try

and explain circumference.

Based on appearance,

he doesn't eat fruit, but...

he's probably seen a pear...

when he's at the grocery store

buying ice cream."

I don't know why the surgeon

sounds like Andy Rooney.

[as Andy Rooney]

You ever notice tumors

look like fruit?

[normal voice] By the way,

if you don't know

who Andy Rooney is,

you're a child.

And if you do know

who Andy Rooney is,

you should probably eat

more grapefruit.

Tumors compared to fruit.

They're--

They're sometimes

compared to balls

like a golf ball

or a softball,

but the surgeon looked at me

and thought,

"I'm gonna stick with food.

I got a better shot

at this fat ass understanding."

I joke around,

but it was scary.

We have five children

and there were moments

when I was like,

"Oh, my gosh, if anything

happens to my wife,

those five kids

are gonna be put up

for adoption.

Some of these jokes

are just for the fathers.

My wife

was so amazingly strong

and brave during

this whole experience.

For three months after

the surgery

she couldn't eat solid foods

and her friends would send us

the most delicious food.

She couldn't eat.

So I found myself

hiding the food

and secretly eating it.

"This is like a whole new

eating disorder for me.

Am I supposed to feel shame

'cause I'm helping my wife!

Really I'm a hero."

She mostly ate Jell-O.

Jell-O.

You know what

they make Jell-O out of?

Bones and hooves.

I always thought

that was an urban legend.

Bones and hooves.

What kind of mad man...

"Let me have

the bones and hooves,

I've got an idea

for a kid's dessert.

It'll be huge.

We'll get Cosby

to do the commercials.

Everyone trusts him.

Anyone using the eyeballs?

I can make an abacus.

I've got tons of ideas."

They say laughter

is the best medicine--and it is,

after you've received

real medicine...

from a real medical

professional.

Prior to that,

you don't want any laughter.

You don't want a doctor

giggling during an exam.

[laughing] "Oh, my gosh,

this is your body?

Wow, nice man b*obs."

My wife had the surgery

in New York City

at a hospital named

Mount Sinai.

I've noticed that

a lot of hospitals in the U.S.

are either named after Saints

or ancient places in Israel

which is not that reassuring

when you think about it.

It's like, "Hi,

welcome to our hospital.

We're all about science

which is why our building

is named after the place

God talked to Moses

as a burning bush.

Over here's our

Casper the Ghost wing...

next to our Astrology Center.

Do you like UFOs?

We love those.

We're all about science."

Spent two weeks

in the hospital.

People what work in hospitals

are truly amazing people.

-[cheering]

-They are.

So nice and supportive.

It makes you suspicious,

right?

Are they stealing the drugs?

They're a little too excited

to be around

sick people in pajamas.

And when I say "sick,"

I'm not talking about

the positive slang, right?

'Cause that's--that's part

of our language, right?

"That jacket is sick!"

But you don't want

a medical professional

to be like,

"Your test results are sick!

I mean, let me clarify,

you're dying."

It's got to be hard

to work in a hospital.

That hospital lighting.

Everyone looks sick

in that hospital lighting.

I walked in, they're like,

"We should get you to the ER."

"I'm just here

to see my wife."

"Well, you have jaundice.

See? Compared to--Oh, my gosh!

I have jaundice, too!

We all have jaundice!"

When my wife would nap,

I would go to the cafeteria.

Hospitals have the most

cutting-edge medical equipment,

but they're still serving food

like it's Shawshank Redemption.

How about selling an MRI machine

and getting a pasta station?

"Jim, you're a monster."

There's different sections

in hospitals.

There's the Emergency Room,

the Intensive Care Unit.

Which sound scary,

but I don't know why anyone

would want to stay anywhere

but the Intensive Care Unit.

It kind of implies

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