Jim Gaffigan: Noble Ape Page #2

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the rest of the hospital's like,

"Look, we care, but we're not

gonna be a spaz about it."

"I get a phone call,

I'm gonna take it, right?

We're like

the Mediocre Care Unit.

Which is better than

We Couldn't Care Less Unit.

Those guys are horrible."

It's wild.

My wife was in surgery

for ten hours.

and before the surgery,

the surgeon told me, he goes,

"Half way through I'll probably

stop and get lunch."

I don't need to know that.

Why even tell me that?

Was he afraid I was gonna

run into him in the cafeteria?

"What are you doing here?!"

"I get these cravings.

Those Snickers commercials

are true."

But he was

a great brain surgeon.

We learned later on

that he's like the best.

I don't know how they determine

the best brain surgeon.

You know,

maybe there's a competition.

America's Got Tumors.

Heidi Klum

thought he was the best.

The best brain surgeon.

Isn't it enough that someone's

a brain surgeon?

None of us could even

get in Med School.

A brain surgeon goes

to medical school,

afterwards,

specializes in neurology,

after that, specializes

in surgery of the brain,

and we're like,

"Yeah, but are they any good?"

"Yeah,

they're a brain surgeon!"

You know what they do

with the bad brain surgeons?

They don't let them

become brain surgeons.

Can you imagine the pressure

on a brain surgeon?

At no point during their workday

can they say,

"Hey,

it ain't brain surgery."

'Cause it's always

brain surgery!

Every day!

"What'd you do at work, honey?"

"Brain surgery!"

"That's fun.

You want some fruit?"

"Never!"

My wife had a--she had

an amazing team of doctors.

She had the brain surgeons.

She also had

an ear, nose, and throat doctor.

Ear, nose, and throat.

That kinda sound like

they didn't make the cut

for brain surgeon.

"I wanna be a brain surgeon."

"You know what?

Let's stick with

the ears, nose, and throat.

You'd be better with the things

surrounding the brain."

"Can I have the eyes?"

"You know what?

Let's stick with the ears,

nose, and throat.

We promised the eyes

to the nerd at LensCrafters."

"Why pick an Optometrist?"

Those ear, nose,

and throat doctors,

they must look at dentists

and think,

"Just teeth?

That's it?

What about the tongue?"

"Not the tongue,

just the teeth."

"You just work on teeth?

Surgery on teeth?"

"Oh, I don't do the surgery.

That's the orthodontist.

I mostly scrape stuff

off of teeth...

while I listen to '80s music.

I love Debbie Gibson."

When you think about it,

dentist,

they don't do the surgery,

they don't even clean the teeth.

They're like, "You guys do

everything and then I'll come in

and jab 'em with

a sharp object...

while I listen to Debbie."

I did figure out what type

of doctor I would want to be,

which is an anesthesiologist.

'Cause just once I'd like to

walk in a room and go,

"Hi, I'm Dr. Gaffigan.

I'm gonna give you some drugs

so you can't talk or move...

and one of these strangers

is gonna cut you open.

Good luck."

What draws

someone to anesthesiology?

It's like, "I like medicine,

but I really enjoy

getting people high.

If I could combine the two.

I also prefer

to sit during surgery."

You ever see the

anesthesiologist during surgery?

They're always sitting

there like...

"I don't even know why

I have to be here.

Yeah, they're still alive.

Anyone got the WiFi password?"

But I have a newfound respect

for doctors.

I do.

'Cause when you think about it,

unless we're sick,

we listen to

absolutely nothing

doctors tell us.

They're like,

"You should lose weight."

"Never gonna happen.

What else you got?"

"You should exercise."

"Does eating

French fries count?"

"Get out of my office."

I don't even listen when

I bring my kids to the doctor.

The doctor's like,

"To avoid an infection..."

I'm like, "De de de de de de de

de de de de de de de de de."

My wife's like,

"What'd the doctor say?"

"Don't pick the scab.

I don't listen to nerds!"

That was the only time

I would ever see a doctor.

Is when I bring my kids in.

Sometimes I'd try and horn in

on a pediatric appointment.

The doctor'd be like,

"How's little Mikey doing?"

"Mikey's good.

He's good.

He's a little worried about this

mole I have on my arm.

Yeah, I explained to Mikey

that I've always had the mole,

but Mikey thinks it might've

changed colors."

"Jim, would you like

to make an appointment?"

"No, it's Mikey.

He just needs a thumbs up

or a thumbs down on the mole.

I know Mikey doesn't want to

play the Hippocratic Oath card,

but you have to tell us,

don't you?"

I'm mostly healthy.

I, uh, worked out today.

I know I don't need to.

When I'm home in New York City,

I workout at the Chinatown YMCA.

And I realize when people hear

"the Chinatown YMCA"

they think, "Oh, that's not like

a serious place to workout."

And it's not.

It's not at all.

It's mostly little kids

learning how to swim

and really old, Chinese people

with their parents.

I didn't even know

you could live to that age.

But I tell you, watching

a 90 year old on an elliptical,

really inspires me

to die in my 70s.

It looks like a machine

is eating someone's grandma.

But I love my Y, you know?

It's--It's different

from a normal health club.

There's never moments

when you think,

"Oh, my gosh, look at how much

weight that guy's lifting."

It's more like, "Oh, my gosh,

that guy's smoking...

on a treadmill

in dress pants."

It's very business-casual.

Sure my Y doesn't have

some of the amenities,

but it also doesn't have the

normal health club distractions.

I don't have to deal

with loud music

or people that are in shape.

I walk around my Y

and I'm like, "You know what?

I'm doing okay.

Maybe I should teach a class.

Hi, welcome

to advanced elliptical.

Doesn't matter if you don't

have workout clothes on,

we're not gonna be raising

our heart rate.

So let's step on,

pick a show,

and think about

what we're gonna eat.

Okay,

who's having a burger, huh?

Let's practice eating fries."

I'm ignored at my Y.

I'm ignored at all health clubs.

Like, when I walk

into a fitness area,

even in a hotel,

people always look at me like,

"I didn't know

they serve food here."

The only people that approach me

are personal trainers.

They're like, "You looking for

a personal trainer?"

"Uh, no."

"You should be."

So I've gotten to the point,

if I'm approached by

a personal trainer, I just

act like they're hitting on me.

They're like,

"Hey, how you doing?"

"I'm married."

"Uh, I don't think you unders--"

"I understand perfectly!

You wanna get with me...

but I'm taken, so you can look,

but no touchie."

I got to do some

international shows this year.

I performed in Japan

for the first time

-which was amazing.

-[cheers and applause]

I mean, I wasn't in Japan

just for stand-up,

I was also modeling.

I wish that wasn't that funny.

But Japan--

The Japanese are just--

they're--they're better

at being human.

Can we admit that?

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