Jim Gaffigan: Noble Ape Page #3

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They're--

You know, they're more polite,

they're better at design.

The Japanese toilet.

Are you familiar

with the Japanese toilet?

The Japanese took the most

disgusting experience

of human existence

and fixed it.

The Japanese toilet

washes you, dries you,

does your taxes...

and that is in

a Tokyo airport bathroom.

You leave a Japanese

public restroom

cleaner than

when you walked in.

You leave an American

public restroom with PTSD.

Your only thought is, "How can I

forget that experience?

Is there alcohol nearby?"

The entire time I was in Japan

I felt overweight.

Probably

'cause I am overweight,

but generally the Japanese

are thin.

I mean, there are people

that are overweight in Japan,

but not like in America.

We're better at not being thin.

'Cause if you get

really fat in Japan,

they make you Sumo wrestle.

They make their fat people

fight each other...

To entertain the thin people!

And the fat people in Japan

go along with it!

"Why am I doing this?"

"It's prestigious.

Now you try and push that other

fat ass out of the circle

while we try not to giggle...

[giggles]

But first,

throw on this giant diaper

and put your hair in a bun.

It's very dignified."

The Japanese are quiet

and polite.

They're like the opposite

of my children.

I had my kids with me and they

were always making loud noises.

Occasionally, I would catch

a Japanese person looking at

my poorly behaved kids

and then they would look at me

and I'd always say

the same thing,

"We're Canadian."

Of course,

we're not Canadian, but...

that is what

some Americans do

when they travel

internationally.

They tell people

they're Canadian.

Which I think is cowardly.

That's why I always

tell people I'm North Korean.

Then I get the respect

I deserve!

How much attention

does the country

of North Korea

need at this point?

Every two days

North Korea's like,

"We're gonna blow up

the world!"

Isn't there a party that's like,

"Then just do it.

Get it over with,

you spaz."

"Jim, don't even joke around

about that.

What if someone from

North Korea was in the audience?

They have a missile program."

It's kinda fun tracking

the North Korean

missile program, right?

They're like, "North Korea

has missiles

that can reach Alaska."

"Oh, my gosh, Alaska?!

Well, I don't know anyone

that lives in Alaska."

"North Korea has missiles

that can reach the West Coast."

"Oh, my gosh,

the West Coast?

Well, I don't go there

that often."

"North Korea has missles

that can reach the East Coast."

"Whoa! We gotta do something

about this!

Now we're talking about

real people!"

-[cheers and applause]

-Oh, thank you.

I did some shows in China.

All in Chinese.

I picked it up at the Y.

It's not that hard.

It wasn't that complicated.

You visit some places

and you think, "All right,

there's a language barrier,

but I can get by."

In China I was like, "Oh,

if I got lost I would die here."

I wouldn't last a half a day.

Everyone's looking at me

like I'm a ghost anyway.

The Chinese were very nice.

They were fascinated

with my pale,

blonde children.

Many of them wanted pictures

with my kids.

They didn't really ask.

They just grabbed a kid.

"Can I have a picture

with this one?"

"I guess you're gonna."

And when they were done

with the picture,

they would rub

my blonde kid's head 'cause

you know, they're my kids,

but they're also lucky objects.

And after this happened

a couple times I was like,

"Hey!

We should charge, right?"

China was fascinating

and exhausting.

I brought my kids

to The Great Wall,

we saw the Terracotta Warriors,

we walked through

the Forbidden City,

we rode in a ricksha,

and when we were leaving

I asked my five year old,

I said, "What was your favorite

part of China?"

And he said,

"I liked that time we saw

the truck with the pigs on it."

'Cause at one point,

we were stuck in traffic

and this truck pulled up

and it had pigs in cages.

And that was

his favorite part.

After the 15 hour flight.

And I remember when that truck

pulled up

'cause I remember looking

at those pigs

and feeling sorry for them,

but those pigs looked happy.

It was almost like the pigs

were looking at me

and my five screaming kids

and going,

"Well,

at least we're not that slob."

I do enjoy travelling

to other countries.

Seeing how different,

but essentially similar

we all are.

Like the U.K. is not

that different from the U.S..

You know, if anything,

you go over there and it seems

like British people are trying

to be different from Americans.

They're like, [British accent]

"Oh, you drive on the right side

of the road?

Then--then we're gonna drive

on the left side of the road.

Oh, you call your mother 'mom'?

Then we're gonna call ours...

'mum'.

Oh, you call that a cookie?

Then we're not going

to the dentist."

[normal voice]

You know that's true.

[cheers and applause]

I did notice something

when I was over there.

You know, British people,

they don't say

"the" before "hospital."

You ever notice that?

They're like, [British accent]

"Hospital?

I was feeling knackered

so I went to hospital."

[normal voice] Whenever they

would do that, I'd say,

"Stop that.

That's wrong and weird.

Are you trying to sound

like a polite caveman?

And I had a friend from London,

he was like,

[British accent] "What makes you

think you're doing it properly?"

[normal voice] And I go,

"'Cause I'm American

and we invented

the English language."

It was a pet peeve of mine.

So I did some research.

You know why British people

don't say "the" before hospital?

'Cause they're d*cks.

"Jim!"

I know that sounds harsh,

but admit it!

British people

always talk to Americans

like we just walked

into their jewelry store

with two full bags of garbage.

[British accent]

"Ugh, may I help you?

Are you lost?

[shudders]"

[normal voice]

Obviously, I love the Brits

and I would never do those jokes

there.

I have been lucky enough

to perform in the U.K.

a couple times and one time

I was walking through

Piccadilly Circus--

which, for the record,

is a horrible circus.

There's no animals.

No, I was walking through

Piccadilly Circus

and I saw they had

an M&M store

and I looked at that M&M store

and it just made me think

of all the things the British

have given the Americans.

Like our language,

Shakespeare,

the Magna Carta,

and I looked at the M&M store

and I thought,

"Now we're even."

When I looked at the M&M store,

I wasn't even embarrassed

to be American,

I was ashamed to be human

'cause has anyone at any point

in their life thought,

"When are they gonna open

an M&M store?

Sure, I can buy

M&Ms absolutely anywhere,

but I like to buy in bulk...

in a pro-M&M environment."

Obviously, we don't need

an M&M store.

We don't even need

different colored M&Ms.

They all taste the same.

They're just bits of chocolate

shaped like Advil.

With an M on it.

They're not even M&Ms.

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