Jim Gaffigan: Noble Ape Page #4

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They're Ms!

We don't do that

with anything else.

"You want some

raisin & raisins?

Go ahead, grab a handful

of raisin & raisins."

No, I don't even know

how many M&Ms

or Ms they would have to sell

in London

to justify Piccadilly Circus

real estate,

but this M&M store

is massive in the U.K..

It is three levels--

which I guess makes sense,

'cause the first level

so you can buy M&Ms,

the second level

so you can buy more M&Ms,

and then the third level

so you can jump to your death

'cause you wasted time

in an M&M store

when you were in London!

By the way,

I don't have any judgement.

If you personally enjoy

going to the M&M store,

that's fine, but, obviously,

you shouldn't vote.

[cheers and applause]

I was with my kids

at the time

and they wanted to go

to the M&M store,

'cause little children

only wanna do horrible things.

Kids never

wanna do something fun

like sit in a dark bar

and drink beer.

And I remember standing there

with my kids

and I was aware that

there were other parents

with their children

in the M&M store

'cause that's what you do

as a parent.

You do things with your kids

'cause you love them,

but I realized in that moment

I don't love my kids that much.

I love them enough

to walk by the M&M store.

"Jim, you're a monster."

But being a parent is not that

different from being a tourist.

It's essentially

the same experience.

In both

you walk around exhausted

spending money you don't have

while you look for a bathroom.

It's the same experience.

You know?

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

I, uh...I was recently given

a gift certificate

for a massage which I will

never use because I'm not

one of the Real Housewives

of Beverly Hills.

I've gotten a massage before,

but I just--

I find it hard

to justify a massage like,

"You know what I deserve?

To have someone I don't know

rub my body.

Let's make that happen people."

'Cause massages

are always from strangers.

We get massages from strangers

'cause we can't count

on the people who love us

to touch us.

Right? I mean,

it could be your best friend.

"You see that guy?

I'd take a bullet for him.

I'm not giving him a massage.

I'm no queer."

My wife, the woman I love,

the mother of my children,

here's my massage, "You good?

That's--my hand's cramping."

So we pay total strangers.

"Hey, I know nothing about you,

why don't I take off my clothes

and climb on this padded

dining room table?

Then you can do

whatever you want."

We know nothing

about these people.

I don't even ask

if their a masseuse.

"Oh, you're dressed like

an orderly in a mental ward,

why don't I get in the most

vulnerable position

I can think of?

How about face down

on the donut pillow?

Does that work for you?

'Cause then I can look

at your feet

and imagine

you're grabbing knives."

What do we really know

about massage therapists?

They like to rub strangers

for money

while they listen

to the Avitar soundtrack.

That's a red flag!

Those are the traits

of a serial killer!

I never know

what to say during a massage.

Sometimes I'll try

and break the ice.

I'll be like, "Hey, you're not

allergic to leprosy, are ya?"

They never laugh

'cause they're busy

imagining making a suit

out of my skin.

'Cause they're murderers.

They already put the lotion

in the basket.

-[cheers and applause]

-Thank you.

I don't even know what type

of massage I'm getting

when I get a massage.

"Do you want a deep tissue,

a shiatsu,

or a Swedish massage?"

I'm like,

"I'll take the blonde."

I don't know.

'Cause men view massages

differently.

A woman gets a massage

her friends are like,

"Good for you."

A guy gets a massage,

"You dirty dog, eh!"

'Cause men sexualize

all human interaction.

"It was a therapeutic massage."

"How therapeutic?"

"Nothing happened."

"Yeah, that's what

we'll tell your wife, huh?"

That's gotta be frustrating

for massage therapists.

That double meaning.

"Did you get a massage

or a massage?"

No other occupation

has to deal with it.

"Did you get a cavity filled

or a cavity filled?"

"How many dentistry references

is he gonna have?"

For me, a massage is just

an hour of awkwardness, right?

She gets done,

she leaves the room,

I put on the robe,

I step outside,

she hands me a glass of water.

I always look at her and go,

"You're never gonna call me.

What a charade."

I did have

one massage therapist,

she told me they're allowed

to turn people down.

I don't know

why she told me that.

[chuckles]

It was after a show.

Can you imagine getting

turned down

by a massage therapist?

That's rough.

"Yeah, you couldn't pay me

to touch you.

Not for all the money

on the planet."

Massages,

that's how some people relax.

Some people relax

in a hot sauna.

And sure,

who doesn't love recreating

the feeling of being trapped

inside an active volcano?

I don't understand

the appeal of a sauna.

Here's every experience

I've had in a sauna.

I'm like, "Okay,

I'm gonna get a sweat going,

it's gonna be

really good for me.

Here we go.

It's time to get out, right?

I don't wanna overdo it."

What is so relaxing

about sitting in a hot box

next to a pile

of smouldering rocks?

I always look at the rocks like,

"Whoever's cookin' the rocks,

they're done.

That's a wrap

on the rock cookin'."

And to make the sauna

more enjoyable,

you're always seated next to

a naked, 80-year-old man.

"Oh, good, I get to sweat

next to someone's grandpa

who's only wearing

a hand towel."

The nudity in the sauna

seems unnecessary.

This isn't Rome.

I just look around

the sauna like, "Wow...

so this is why

we wear clothes, huh?"

So we may eventually eat.

In Finland--In Finland

where they invented the sauna,

they relax in Finland

by drinking vodka in the sauna.

Which might explain why

we've never read

any Finnish literature.

Vodka in the sauna?

Actually, the Fins,

they pronounce it, "Sao-na"

'cause they're wasted.

[slurred speech]

"You wanna go to the 'sao-na'

and drink some 'bodka'?"

Drinking vodka in a sauna?

You know what kind of

ideas you come up with?

An M&M store.

-[cheers and applause]

-Thank you.

In Finland--In Finland,

I was invited to take a sauna.

I was also invited

to go cross-country skiing

and I could think is,

"Is fun illegal here?"

Like what kind of antidepressant

do you have to be on

to enjoy cross-country skiing?

I can't believe

cross-country skiing's

even a sport.

"Hey, you know that awkward part

in downhill skiing

where you're trying

to get over to the lift?

What if we just did that?

Whoo!

This is fun!

And to turn around--"

"You know what?

Don't turn around.

Let's go across the country."

People who enjoy winter

seem mentally unstable.

Right?

Some of those winter activities

should get you committed.

It's like, "Look, we love you,

we're just worried.

I mean,

yesterday we caught you

walking through the woods

with tennis rackets

tied to your feet.

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