Jim Gaffigan: Noble Ape Page #5

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This morning, we saw you

sweeping the frozen lake.

What's next?

You sitting in a sled

being pulled by dogs?

Get some help."

Oh, I did one of those

genetic tests.

I was surprised to find out

I'm all Asian.

You do learn things

from those genetic tests.

Like I discovered

I wasted 100 bucks.

[laughter]

They send you information.

Mine just said,

"Dude, you're white.

In fact,

you're very white.

I hope you feel guilty."

They didn't even break down

my nationality.

They just highlighted

all the British Isles.

They're like,

"You're trash from here.

Wherever people need sunscreen."

But what do we expect to learn

from these genetic tests?

Like, "Oh, my gosh!

I'm related to my ancestors!"

We're only gonna find out

bad news.

You see it in the commercials.

I thought I was Italian,

but it ends up,

my great-grandma

was a whore.

[laughter]

So I guess

I'm Eastern European.

Sometimes people think

I'm saying

Eastern Europeans

are whores and...

I am.

No.

My point is,

only good family news

is passed along.

Like, if your great-grandfather

was Abraham Lincoln,

you'd already know that,

but if your great-grandfather

was the town drunk,

your grandpa's likely to go,

"Uh, I don't remember.

I think he worked in a bar.

Chief gutter inspector."

I do know I have

some Irish ancestry,

but, apparently, the Irish

didn't keep great records

'cause, well,

draw your own conclusion.

Something tells me

they weren't busy sunbathing.

I'm Irish,

but I have blonde hair.

Supposedly, the only reason

the Irish

have blonde or red hair

is 'cause the Vikings invaded,

pillaged,

and probably other stuff.

Those Vikings,

the Scandinavians,

I don't know if

you've been to Sweden,

it's like a whole country

of Scarlett Johanssons.

If I was in Ireland at that

time, I would've been,

"Oh, no, some Viking ladies

coming to pillage me.

I guess I'll hide on this bed

covered in rose petals.

Hopefully she can help me

put together that table.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

They say last names

can tell you something.

Like if your last name

is Cooper,

that means you probably had

an ancestor who made barrels.

If your last name is Canter,

that means somebody

along the line was a singer.

My last name is Gaffigan,

which is Gaelic

for "highly anxious."

And when I learned that,

all I could feel was...

highly anxious.

I mean...

how anxious do you have to be

for people to go,

"You should go with it

as your name."

"Why's that?"

"That's what

we call you anyway."

It does seem like

some last names

were chosen to impress,

right?

You know, someone's like,

"You know what?

I want the ladies to know

I'm successful,

so I'm gonna go with

the last name, 'Goldman.'

Goldman,

what are you going with?

"Weiner."

I want the ladies to know

I like hotdogs."

But who knows?

Maybe last names mean nothing.

You know,

where I'm from in Indiana,

there is a guy who owns

an RV dealership

and his name is Tom Raper.

That's his name.

And there are billboards.

"Come see Tom Raper."

And people go.

"Well,

we should check it out."

Now I don't know

why we would let someone

named Raper sell RVs.

They are essentially

mobile crime scenes.

If my last name were Raper,

I wouldn't leave the house.

How do you even

go out to dinner?

"Party of two.

Raper.

Is there a Raper here?"

Are there family reunions?

"Are you a Raper?

I'm a Raper.

Is this your son?

He looks just like a Raper.

It's so fun getting

all the Rapers together."

In Milwaukee, I stayed in

a hotel named The Fister.

That was the name.

The Fister.

And--And, obviously, they were

sensitive to it sounding weird,

so they added a P at the front.

So it was The Pfister.

Hey, it worked

for Michelle Pfeiffer.

And that hotel was started

by a man named Guido Pfister

who thought,

"My name's Guido Pfister,

why don't I go

into hospitality?"

Guido Pfister?

His name sounds like

an ethnic slur.

"Get outta here,

you Guido Pfister!

Go pfist somewhere else!"

[laughter]

I don't know if you can tell

by looking at me,

but I'm kinda obsessed with

not being interested in fashion.

It's, uh, something I care

deeply not about.

And I'm aware that

not being into fashion

is a fashion choice, right?

How annoying is that?

It's like,

"Oh, you're not into fashion?

That means

you're an norm core."

Why can't I just wear clothes

to cover my disgusting body?

Why must it be a choice?

'Cause the only choice I make

when it comes to clothing

is

"does it still fit me?"

I don't know

if you've had an opportunity

to fat out of clothes.

That's a special feeling.

There are watershed moments

in your life, right?

When you hold

your newborn child

or you fat out of a T-shirt.

It's amazing 'cause you don't

even go to the obvious

conclusion.

You're like,

"Well, this shirt used to fit.

I haven't grown

since I was a teenager.

Oh! I'm a fatass!

Well, time for a burrito."

The best is when you

pack for a trip

and you fat out of clothes,

but you don't realize

until you get there.

[laughs]

You sit there and you go,

"Well, I guess I can wear that

as long as I don't

breathe out...

or sit down."

You ever wear a shirt

you can't sit down in?

"Yeah, you know what?

I'm gonna stand.

I know it's Thanksgiving.

I'm more thankful standing.

Better angle for carving."

I still have all the clothes

that don't fit me.

They're in my closet

in case I have a dramatic

weight loss over a weekend.

It's ridiculous.

It's like I'm curating

an exhibit of my weight gain.

"Well, that suit

was from 30 pounds ago

and that sweater was from

last winter

and this shirt--

this shirt never fit."

Have you done that?

Have you bought clothes

that don't fit

thinking that'll be

the incentive to lose weight?

It's like,

"Well, I've only gained weight

for the last 40 years,

maybe this shirt'll

turn it around."

"How'd you lose weight?"

"I bought a shirt.

It worked."

No, fashion's kind of wasted

on me.

You know, like,

those fashion shows.

To me, fashion shows

just look like skinny tennagers

walking around

in their parent's clothes

looking for food.

[laughter]

[laughter and applause]

"Ma,

there's no food out there.

All right, I'll change

my outfit and look again."

Fashion shows are rather absurd

when you consider

they're just people

sitting around watching people

walk around in clothes.

Which is what people do

in clothes everyday.

But at fashion shows,

they're so fascinated.

They're like,

"Oh, my gosh.

Ooh, wow, look at that person

walk in clothes.

How do they do it?

If only we could watch them

do laundry."

And we all know

what a fashion show is

'cause we've seen it

on TV.

In December they televise

the Victoria's Secret

Fashion Show--

which is excellent,

by the way.

Well, that one's different

'cause there's angels.

So there's a spiritual aspect...

to the thongs their peddling.

It's interesting.

All the models are beautiful.

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