Jim Jefferies: BARE Page #2

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he goes, "Oh, Valentine's Day is coming!"

Valentine's Day is a mathematical

equation that every man has in his head,

and it goes like this,

"How much money do I have to spend today

so that you won't act like a c*nt?"

It doesn't stop there.

Mother's Day!

Mother's Day rocked around in my

house when my son was six months old.

My girlfriend's first Mother's Day.

And she went, "Oh, I wonder

what I'll get for Mother's Day."

And I went, "Probably f***ing nothing.

He's got no money. He's six months old.

What do you think he's gonna buy you?"

Within an hour, her friends

were over at the house,

just by coincidence,

telling me what a bad person I was

and how important Mother's

Day is to a new mum, you know?

And so, I went and bought

her a cappuccino machine

'cause I assumed that's what Hank

would have wanted her to have...

and I wrote a card.

I'm not a bastard. I wrote

a card. I'm right-handed.

So I got my left hand.

Every new dad knows this.

You get the crayon and you go,

"Happy Mother's Day.

Love, Hank."

And I went,

"H-A-N..."

And then I did the "K" back-to-front

because he's a f***ing moron.

See, now I know there's people in the room,

they're thinking, "Well,

fathers have Father's Day."

Father's Day is bullshit.

It's f***ing sh*t, Father's Day.

Father's Day came around

and my girlfriend went,

"What do you want for Father's Day?"

And I went, "I don't want anything.

Don't even worry about

it. I don't want anything."

And she goes, "Come on.

You gotta have something."

I said, "Honestly, I don't want

anything." And she goes, "Come on."

And I went, "It's my f***ing money.

Just don't touch it.

Just leave my money alone.

How hard is this?

How about, for 24 hours, you

don't touch my f***ing money?

That would be a gift."

That's why every single father

has that one Father's Day

gift that they cherish,

and it's sh*t!

It's, like, a f***ing ceramic

mug that the kid made in school

where the handle's too big,

and it says, "I heart Dad."

And they keep that for 20

f***ing years, this mug.

And do you wanna know why they like it?

Every now and again,

they look at it and go...

"That cost me nothing, that mug."

See...

wouldn't it be nice to have one day

that was for men and for fathers

and all that type of stuff,

but didn't cost anything, that

everyone could participate in, right?

I've got it, right? April 18th...

Anal Sex Day.

It's good, isn't it?

Everyone's girlfriend or wife has

to take it in the ass on April 18th.

It's nice.

A month before, you'd be walking

around the shopping center going,

"Oh, the decorations are up!"

And it's good 'cause if your

bird didn't take it in the ass,

you could do the same thing

that women do on Valentine's Day

when they don't get a gift.

You could go like,

"Oh, me mate, Jason, his

wife took it in the ass twice.

Yeah, obviously, they're

more connected than we are.

They've, uh..."

I'm thinking, I don't do much

merchandise after my shows and stuff,

but I'm thinking of bringing

out some April 18th T-shirts.

Not even putting "Jim

Jefferies" on them or anything.

Just T-shirts that say, "April 18th."

'Cause it's good, right?

You're in a bar. You're a guy.

You see a guy at the other end of the

bar with an April 18th, and you go...

F***ing friends for life, right?

But even better, you see a

girl with an April 18th T-shirt.

The weird thing is I'm

bigging-up anal sex here,

and I don't even really like

f***ing girls in the ass that much.

I'm not even a huge fan.

I much prefer the c*nt.

I think it's a much more...

I think that a c*nt is a much

more purpose-built thing to f***.

But, you know, anal sex... Oh, you know...

I do it.

I get involved, 'cause

I feel like I have to.

You know, I...

But I've never been a big fan

of the ass f***ing, I, uh...

When I watch it on porn,

it seems very inviting.

The girl's taking it

so fluently in her ass,

and she seems to be having fun, and, uh...

But the thing is, you can't

smell porn. You don't smell porn.

You just...

You just watch it. They never...

And it's different, porn. It's different.

They clean the girl's a**hole.

They pump water into it

until it's very hygienic.

I'm sure.

And the girl seems to be

so happy. She's like...

You've got it in her

p*ssy, you're f***ing her,

and then she's like, "Put it in my ass."

She's inviting.

It's like you're doing her a favor in porn.

And then she's like... She says things...

I don't know, things like,

"I'm enjoying that. Keep

putting it in my ass.

F*** my ass. I love a cock in my ass."

And...

And the experience I've had in my

own life has been vastly different.

I've...

My experience has been a lot of crying.

Now, although that can

help you come at times,

it's not what you want...

It's not what you want for every day.

I like the girl who acts

like she's enjoying it.

Like, you know when your girlfriend's

like, "I'm gonna act like I enjoy it."

She does that whole,

"Yeah. Oh, no, that's good."

Ahh!

I'm having a good time

And then they're always going, "Are

you done? Are you close to done?"

You never f*** a p*ssy and they go,

"Are you almost done? Finish this."

Like that. If you're f***ing

ass, they don't want you...

They want it all over, quick.

And they do other things, the porn girls.

I don't know how much they get paid.

I'm sure it's more than

what the men get paid.

It's the opposite bit of society.

Um...

But they do a thing called "ATM."

I don't know if you

know what that is, kids.

That stands for "ass to mouth."

That's where the porn girl will

pull the cock from out of her anus,

and she'll put it directly in her

mouth, and she'll say something like,

"I love the taste of my ass.

Let me taste my ass."

And then the man, as a favor to this woman,

puts his cock in her mouth

to congratulate her on the fine work...

she's been doing.

Now, I had a drunken

night with my ex-girlfriend

where she thought she'd

be all wild and try that.

Once again, vastly different experience.

I'm not a big fan of the ass f***ing,

and I don't know of any man,

if they're truthful, really is.

Now, there's women in

the room who are thinking,

"Well, why does my guy constantly

bother me to f*** me in my ass?"

What a good question.

Women, the reason that men like

f***ing you in the ass is because...

we know you f***ing hate it.

So...

I'm a father.

Um...

I love my son! I love my son the

same way that I love cigarettes.

I like to hold him for

five minutes every hour,

and the rest of the time,

I'm thinking about how

he's f***ing killing me.

He's a good little boy.

No, he's a great little

fella. I really like him.

Um...

My girlfriend super loves him,

though. It's f***ing creepy.

And...

I'm glad I have a son.

That worked out good for me.

I wouldn't be a good father to a

girl. It wouldn't be good for me.

Nothing weird. Wouldn't f*** it. I...

I just don't get along with

women. You know how it is.

I don't want them in my house, and...

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