Jim Jefferies: BARE Page #3

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So...

Because you dream, see...

For example, okay? When Hank was born...

the couple over the road, within

two weeks of Hank being born,

had a baby girl,

and rightly or wrongly, the first

thing that went through my head was...

"Aw, that's great.

I hope Hank fucks that one day."

That's what I think... 'Cause

that's what I think about my son.

I hope when he's of age,

he just fucks everything.

I don't care if my son is gay or straight.

All I care about is, when he is of age,

that he gets every bit of f***ing

p*ssy or cock that he desires.

That is my dream for my son!

But never in the history

of fathers and daughters,

has a father held his baby girl and gone,

"Oh, I hope you have a lot of

c*cks through you in your life.

I hope you're never shy of a cock.

I hope you pass out at parties

and all the boys are queuing up."

Right, you know...

And it's not just me.

Women treat baby girls and

baby boys differently as well.

My girlfriend goes to

the gym every morning.

I go there very occasionally,

and when you go to the gym,

there's a little daycare

crche thing in the gym

where you can hand your child off,

and inside that daycare, there's,

like, three women in their 50s.

They're very nice ladies, and you

hand your kid off and he plays.

Then when you finish your

workout, you come and get him.

And there's a woman that works

there who just loves my son.

She sees all the other

kids, but she loves Hank,

and Hank f***ing loves her,

and the two of them light

up when they see each other.

And it's super cute,

I bring Hank up the stairs,

and he starts going, "Uh, uh!"

Trying to reach at her, all right?

And she does this, she goes,

"Everyone, my boyfriend's here.

Here's my boyfriend. Give

him here. He's my boyfriend."

And then she kisses him, and she goes,

My boyfriend gives me kisses

My boyfriend gives me kisses

It's f***ing adorable.

But I tried doing that with a baby girl...

Let's say you go to the

gym and there's a daycare,

and me and a couple of my

mates are working there.

"Hey, everyone...

me girlfriend's here.

Give her here. Give her

here. She's my girlfriend.

My girlfriend gives me

kisses. You know that, right?

She's always giving me kisses.

Enjoy your workout. Don't

worry about a thing."

So...

Also...

it's just easier to bring up

a son than it is a daughter.

It's just little things.

Even when they're babies, it's just easier.

There's a wiping technique

when you're wiping a baby's ass.

I don't know if you have children,

but this is how you do it.

The baby lays on its back.

You put their feet together.

You lift the feet up, and

then you go in and wipe.

With a boy, you can wipe like that.

Up and down, side to side,

whatever the f*** you want, right?

With a girl, you gotta

wipe downward and away.

Downward and away.

It's very important that

you wipe away from the c*nt.

Very important.

'Cause it turns out that women of all ages

hate having sh*t in their c*nts.

They do. They f***ing hate it.

Boys don't give a sh*t. F***ing...

My son will have sh*t all

over his dick and balls,

and I'll be cleaning it

off under the foreskin,

and he'll be laughing like

it's the best day ever.

Even at my age now,

I find it funny if I have sh*t on my dick.

If I f*** my girlfriend in the ass,

I pull out, I've got sh*t on my dick,

I'll ring me mate Jason

up and go, "Hey, Jason...

It's happened again.

I got sh*t on my dick."

And he'll tell me a similar story

about when he had sh*t on his dick,

and we'll laugh and laugh and laugh.

But never in the history of women

has there been a woman with sh*t

in her c*nt and she's thought,

"Oh, I can't wait to call Karen."

When you...

When my girlfriend got pregnant...

When you meet...

When you haven't got a child,

couples who have children

are always bragging about how

cool it is to have children.

Whenever you meet couples with

children they're always like,

"It is the most fulfilling thing

I've ever done with my life.

My heart grows larger

and larger every day."

And then the second that

my girlfriend got pregnant,

those same people went like this,

"You're never gonna sleep again!

Forget about it. It's over.

You're not gonna sleep."

They're constantly telling

you you're not gonna sleep.

Raising a baby is not that hard.

I'll tell you what, it's

easier than a coke habit.

I had a coke habit for

seven-and-a-half f***ing years!

At least it's not me who

wakes up crying anymore!

I can sleep through other people crying.

I've had girlfriends.

That's like white noise

to me. I find it soothing.

See, me and my girlfriend,

just two months, we went,

"F*** it! Let's have a

kid." F***ing did it, right?

These other people, man...

You know these couples, and

they date from high school,

and then they go out for a bit longer,

and then after being together

for like, seven years, they go,

"We're getting engaged. You

wanna come to the party?"

And you wanna say, "No, you're

really boring and we hate you."

But you go, "Oh, okay, great.

You're still together, are you?

You f***ed one person,

have you? Oh, how exciting."

And...

And then what they do is they

don't have a kid right away

because they're still not ready.

"We have to see how our

careers are going and sh*t."

And what they do is they get a dog,

and then they act like the

f***ing dog's their baby.

They refer to it as their f***ing baby.

They send you a Christmas

card of them holding the dog...

and it says, "From our family to yours."

And then you have a barbecue, and

you invite them, the humans, right?

Then they come over.

This f***ing dog runs in,

jumping over everything,

and you're like, "What

the f*** is this sh*t?"

And they're like, "We had to bring

him. We bring our baby everywhere."

And you go, "Well, your baby

is biting my actual baby.

Can you control..."

And then, eventually, they

decide they're gonna have a kid

'cause they've learned

so much from the dog,

and then they bring the kid back,

and the dog runs up, like,

"What's happening? A new person."

And they're like, "F*** off.

We don't love you anymore.

We're going."

And they think they've

learnt something from the dog,

and they haven't learnt anything.

What happens if your

girlfriend's away on work

and the dog dies?

You go off, you buy another dog

that looks similar to the original dog...

try to pass it off as the same dog.

What happens if your

girlfriend's away on work

and the baby dies?

Very hard...

to get a baby that looks exactly the same

in the short period of time that you have.

Easier if you're black or Asian.

Boston, no!

No! No!

Shut up!

I will not put up with

racism at my shows, okay?

I'm not saying 'cause they look the same.

I'm saying 'cause they're

easier to purchase.

If Angelina Jolie and Madonna

have taught us anything...

it is that you can buy

black and Asian people.

I'm yet to see a black celebrity couple

come home from Norway

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