Jim Jefferies: BARE Page #4

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with a child, going...

"Yolanda, quick, get Hans.

Bring him over. Come on."

I'm gonna talk about something now that

sort of splits the crowd a little bit.

Uh...

Gun control.

Now... No, wait. Before you...

Don't get excited because

the other people have guns.

The anti-gun people are

like, "Yeah! Do it, Jim!"

No, let's just...

Now, before I start saying

this, I wanna say this, right?

I believe in your right

as Americans to have guns.

I'm not trying to stop

you from having guns.

All I'm saying is this is my

personal belief on the opinion.

My opinion on the... Oh, it doesn't matter.

I don't like guns, right?

I'm gonna say some things

that are just facts, right?

In Australia, we had guns,

right? Right up until 1996.

In 1996, Australia had the

biggest massacre on Earth.

It still hasn't been beaten.

And...

Now, after that, they banned the guns.

Now, in the 10 years before Port

Arthur, there was 10 massacres.

Since the gun ban in 1996, there

hasn't been a single massacre since.

I don't know how or

why this happened, uh...

Maybe it was a coincidence, right?

Now, please understand that I

understand that Australia and America

are two vastly different cultures

with different people, right? I get it.

In Australia, we had the

biggest massacre on Earth,

and the Australian government

went, "That's it! No more guns!"

And we all went,

"Yeah, all right, then. That

seems fair enough, really."

Now, in America, you had

the Sandy Hook massacre

where little, tiny children died,

and your government went,

"Maybe...

we'll get rid of the big guns?"

And 50% of you went, "F***

you! Don't take my guns!"

So, here's where it gets confusing, right?

Now, as I said, I am all for

your Second Amendment rights.

I think you should be able to have

guns. It's in your constitution.

What I am not for is

bullshit arguments and lies.

There is one argument and one

argument alone for having a gun,

and this is the argument...

"F*** off. I like guns."

It's not the best argument,

but it's all you've got.

And there's nothing wrong with it.

There's nothing wrong with saying,

"I like something. Don't

take it away from me."

But don't give me this other

bullshit. The main one is,

"I need it for protection.

I need to protect me. I

need to protect my family."

Really? Is that why they're

called "assault rifles"?

Is it?

I've never heard of these f***ing

"protection rifles" you speak of.

Protection? What the f***

are you talking about?

You have a gun in your house,

you're 80% more likely to

use that gun on yourself,

than to shoot someone else.

And people think, "Well,

that'd never happen to me."

You don't know that, because you know what?

From time to time We all get sad

One day you're

happy Then you're sad

And then, uh-oh

Protection.

I had a break-in in Manchester, England,

where I was tied up, I had my head cut.

They threatened to rape my girlfriend.

They came through the window

with a machete and a hammer,

and Americans always go,

"Well, imagine if you had a gun."

And I'm like, "All right.

I was naked at the time.

I wasn't wearing my holster.

I wasn't staring at the window

waiting for c*nts with

machetes to come through."

What world do you live in where

you're constantly f***ing ready?

You have guns 'cause you like guns!

That's why you go to gun conventions!

That's why you read gun magazines!

None of you give a sh*t

about home security.

None of you go to home

security conventions.

None of you read Padlock Monthly.

None of you have a Facebook picture

of you behind a secure door going,

"F***ing yeah!"

Like you're going to be ready

if someone comes into your house.

You have it at all f***ing times.

By the way, most people who

are breaking into your house

just want your f***ing TV!

You think that people are

coming to murder your family?

How many f***ing enemies do you have?

Jeez, you think a lot of yourself

if you think everyone's

coming to murder you.

See, if you have it readily

available, it becomes unsafe.

You have it in your bedside table,

one of your kids picks

it up, thinks it's a toy,

shoots another one of your kids.

Happens every f***ing day, but people go,

"That'd never happen in my house

'cause I'm a responsible gun owner.

I keep my guns locked in a safe."

Then they're no f***ing protection!

Someone comes into the house,

you're like, "Wait there, f***-face!

Oh! You've come to the

wrong house here, buddy boy.

I tell you what.

I'm gonna f*** you up!

Okay.

Is it 32 to the left or 32 to the right?

Your mother's birthday?

Why the f*** would I know

your f***ing mother's birthday?

Maybe if you didn't leave the window open

'because it's too hot in here,'

we wouldn't be getting

f***ing murdered, right?"

I find the NRA to be hard work.

The fact that they always

think the answer is more guns.

After Sandy Hook happened,

the NRA said, and I quote,

"None of this would have happened

if the teachers had guns."

I...

I think they're forgetting

what school was like.

Does anyone remember that

casual teacher that used to...

Whenever she came into school,

that relief teacher came,

you and your friends would see her and go,

"Oh, we're gonna make her cry."

And then she'd stand in front

of the class with a bit of chalk

and her hands would be shaking,

and you'd go,

"You're never getting

married, are you, Miss?

Never gonna happen for you."

Then she'd get back to

her 1967 Volkswagen Beetle,

and she'd be crying

over the steering wheel,

just, "Why don't they like me?"

Let's give that c*nt a gun

and see how things work out!

And then they go,

"Oh, well, answer to that,

we'll just add more guns."

They go, "We'll put an armed security

guard at every school across America."

Yeah, that'll work out.

The average security guard

in America earns $16 an hour.

Not a lot of wiggle room

to be a f***ing hero!

Someone comes onto the school and...

And you've got Kevin.

Now, I'm sure Kevin's

sh*t-hot at Call of Duty,

but it might not f***ing

cut it, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, I understand that when I'm

doing this joke in this room,

50% of you agree with me, 50%

of you don't agree with me,

and I do respect the people

who don't agree with me.

Don't think I don't.

Out of the 50% that don't agree with me,

20% of those people are

smart enough to realize

this is a comedy show and

it's not to be taken seriously,

and they're laughing along 'cause

it's just funny jokes, right?

And then the next 20%, have

sort of phased out a little bit.

They're looking around, going,

"Wonder how they got

that chandelier up there?"

And then...

there's the last 10%.

And they're f***ing furious.

Right now, in this room and

the people watching at home...

10% of you are f***ing seething. Just...

And for a couple of reasons. First

reason, I'm making good points.

Second reason. Second reason.

Second reason, and this is the big one,

I'm foreign...

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