Jim Jefferies: BARE Page #9

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They ring the manager

up, and then they go...

He goes, "Is it the pale Australian

man?" And the guy went, "Yes."

He goes, "We've had problems

with him. Let him through." Right?

So I go through. I'm sitting

there, I'm eating my peanuts.

And I'm just angry now, going,

"F***ing British Airways.

F***ing c*nts, f***ing..."

Like that.

And in walks in a group of

Americans, about 30 of them.

You know the type, right? They all...

And whenever I see Americans abroad...

I'll do my impersonation

of any American abroad.

When Americans are abroad, you're

just pointing out sh*t you see.

You're just walking around going,

"Oh, this is great!

Look at that. That's a

chair right there. Okay.

Oh, what's that over there?

Okay. Wonderful. Great."

Right?

And this group walked in,

and one of the women in the

group went like this, she went,

"Did anyone else see

that Australian guy speaking

to that lady out there?

Some people have no class."

And I put my head around

the pylon, and I went,

"You can f*** off and all!

You don't know what I've been

through! I've been downgraded!"

And as I said that,

18 other people who were given

the same lie that I was given,

that they were going to be the next

people promoted up to business class,

the penny dropped.

None of us are getting promoted.

They all lied to us, and we

formed an angry militia in seconds.

It was like a scene out of Braveheart,

and they all stood up and

went, "F***ing downgraded!"

And the woman in the group was doing this,

"Don't speak to me that way. Who

the hell do you think you are?"

And all the men in the group were like,

"Hey, why don't you shut the f*** up?

Just shut the f*** up."

It doesn't matter These

people seem very angry, so

And a guy breaks from the group

and he tries to calm everyone down.

And, sometimes, Americans, sometimes,

you can seem a little insincere.

And he came up and he went,

"Hey. Hey.

Yeah, I get it.

Downgraded, yeah.

That really grinds my

gears, I tell you that.

Yeah, I would write a

strongly-worded letter.

I really would."

And then I thought, at

least this guy's being nice,

and I said, "Look, mate,

don't worry about it.

It's not like it's your fault."

And I said, "Why are you

in such a big group anyway?"

And he goes, "Oh, we're

in Neil Diamond's band.

That's Neil Diamond's backup singer

you just called a c*nt there."

And as he said that,

Neil Diamond walked around the

corner like a f***ing superhero...

and I reacted like he was

one. I went, "Neil Diamond!"

And Neil Diamond went,

"Hey, what's going on?"

And then, for a second there,

there was a bit of my brain that thought

maybe Neil Diamond could solve problems.

And I went, "Neil!

Me and all these people,

we've been downgraded!"

And Neil went, "Oh! Oh, right.

Uh, well, maybe that's our fault.

We decided to come back a day early."

"You can f*** off and all, Neil Diamond!"

And then a fight breaks out amongst the

Neil Diamond band and the downgraded.

Punches are thrown. Not by me.

I don't know if you have the Internet,

but I'm not much of a fighter.

I'm an excellent scurrier-awayer.

I get down.

"Hey, what have you got there? Hiya!"

Anyway, the airport police came.

Three people were arrested

from the downgraded...

but three people were arrested

from the Neil Diamond band,

and that meant that three seats

opened up in business class.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you

very much. Good night. Appreciate it.

Thank you.

Go home. Let's have a drink. Bye.

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