Jim Jefferies: BARE Page #8

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One of the theories is that

they found in her phone...

He went through her phone,

and on her phone, he

found some text messages

from a South African rugby

player on Valentine's Day, right?

Now, I don't know if you've

ever been to South Africa,

but in South Africa, rugby is

more popular than legless running.

It goes, rugby, legless running, cricket.

Legless running's their second

sport. You wouldn't have thought that.

Anyway...

I'm going to reenact what

I believe happened that day.

To do that, I will now be

doing a South African accent.

Now I know, many of you can't

tell the difference between

my accent and a South African accent.

Here's the difference.

Picture my accent, but I'm

punching a black person.

What I'm trying to say is South

Africans are horrible people.

So...

she's coming out of the shower.

She's been drying her hair. She's

listening to Rodriguez or something.

She comes out.

He's laying on the bed.

He looks up at her, he's

holding the phone, and he goes,

"What the f*** is this?

I've been through your phone.

You have been texting a rugby player."

And she's like, "Oh!

F*** you!

Who the f*** do you think you are?"

"Who am I?

I'm Oscar Pistorius, the greatest

legless runner that has ever been.

That's who the f*** I am."

"Well, I would rather

be with a rugby player.

At least he is a whole man, not

a three-quarter man like you."

I know.

"Oh! F*** you!"

"No! F*** you! I'm leaving you!"

And then she storms out of the room,

and then he was like...

"You f***ing b*tch!

I hate you!

You will rue the day...

that you left Oscar

Pistorius, the Blade Runner!

Don't go anywhere!

I hate you!"

That's where he keeps his legs.

All right.

Then he put the blades on.

"Oh, you're in trouble, missy. I tell you.

I go to my gun safe."

She locked herself in the bathroom.

He shot her through the bathroom door.

Seems like overkill, doesn't it?

Bathrooms only have

little tiny locks on them,

but Oscar's one of the few men on Earth

that couldn't kick the door in, right?

He was wearing the blades, so...

Boing! Ah!

So...

I think Oscar will probably go to prison.

Now...

in South Africa, one in

four people have AIDS.

I assume it may even be worse

in the prison population.

Now, can I say this? Look...

I've never raped a man.

I hate that I have to put "a man"

in that sentence, but whatever.

I've never raped a man, but...

if I was going to rape a man,

it would be a legless Olympian...

'cause in prison, it's all about

getting one up on other people,

and making people think

you're tough and all that.

Like, "You want to f***ing rape me?

I just raped an Olympian, b*tch.

Is that what you f***ing want?"

There'd be a wonderful moment...

when you're in the showers

and he was crawling away like

the end of a Terminator movie.

You know what I like about that joke?

So often when you tell a joke,

the rapist is the villain in the story,

but not in that one.

Not in that one.

He's the hero.

All right, we have to get going soon.

Before I leave,

I thank you very much for coming.

No, I said, "soon," not "over."

It's just soon, you c*nts, so calm down.

I always...

I always find that weird when

someone, like, whistles like that.

What do they think is going to happen?

Like, I'm going to go,

"F***ing you know me, mate.

I was enjoying claps and cheers,

but what I needed was a

high-pitched squeal noise.

Thank God you came along

to pick up my spirits."

Love you!

All right, final story.

Now, I was in South Africa again.

Jeez, I don't think I'll

be working in South Africa

after this special comes out.

I used to do, like, one tour

in South Africa every year,

and I just don't know if

I'll be invited this time.

They'll be like, "We don't

like him. He's no good."

Anyway, so, I'm in South Africa,

and I had to fly back from

Cape Town to Los Angeles,

which is, like, a 26-hour flight.

You've to go up to London and go across.

C*nt of a trip.

Um...

But it was all right 'cause

I had a business class ticket,

so I didn't give a f***.

And when I travel economy,

I try to dress up nice

'cause I like to look good

in case someone recognizes

me and I might get an upgrade.

But when I've already got

a business class ticket,

I try to look like a bag of sh*t...

'cause it's important to me that

everyone else in business

class doesn't want me there

and they're annoyed by my presence.

So...

I'm wearing a white T-shirt

that's got brown stains on

it with a hole in the side.

I'm wearing these small shorts

with just one testicle hanging out.

So, anyway, I go up to the counter, up

to the business thing with the thing,

and I go, "Hello," and the lady goes,

"Oh, Mr. Jefferies, I'm so sorry,

but you have been downgraded."

I said, "You what now?"

She goes, "Business class is

full. You have been downgraded."

And I said, "I understand

that business class is full.

I bought one of the

tickets that made it full."

And she went, "I'm sorry,

sir. There's nothing I can do."

And then I just went, "Are

you f***ing kidding me?"

Now, you know when you're dealing

with customer service people,

and they want you to swear,

'cause as soon as you swear,

they don't have to engage with you anymore.

They can act like they're the first

adult never to hear a swear word,

and they can get really offended, right?

So I went, "Are you f***ing kidding me?"

And she went, "Please do

not speak to me that way!

I have done nothing wrong!"

And I said, "Are you,

a white South African,

telling me you've done nothing wrong?"

Anyway...

tensions rose.

The manager comes over. Big fat

c*nt called Simon Fulcher, right?

He walks over and goes,

"What is wrong here? What is wrong?"

And I said, "I bought

a business class ticket

and I want a business class ticket."

And he goes, "What do you want me

to do? Make a new chair for you?

There are no more seats.

I can't do anything."

He goes, "I'll tell you what I can do.

Go up to the executive

lounge. Have some peanuts.

Enjoy a beverage. Listen to Rodriguez,

and if something opens up, we will

move you back up to business class.

So I thought, "There's nothing I can do."

So I walk off with my ticket. I'm

walking through the airport like,

"F***ing British Airways,

bunch of f***ing c*nts." Right?

I get up to the counter.

And the woman behind the

counter said, "Tickets, please."

And I hand over my ticket and she goes,

"I'm sorry, sir,

but this is for business

class passengers only.

Your ticket says 'economy'

on it." And I said...

"I bought a business class ticket,

but you people have downgraded..."

And as I was doing my little speech,

she looked past me and went, "Next."

"Listen here, you f***ing c*nt."

All right?

Now, you say "c*nt" in any foreign country,

people lose their f***ing sh*t.

Security came from everywhere.

I was going, "Don't you

f***ing come near me, c*nt!"

And I said, "I want to speak

to Simon Fulcher," like I'm...

And they go, "All right."

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