Jim Jefferies: BARE Page #7

---

And then she went...

For the last question, she went,

"And what's your favorite

thing in the world?"

And I went...

"Coming on a girl's face."

Now...

Now, I could've said things like...

"Ice cream" is a good answer.

"Hank" would've been an excellent answer.

But I said, "Coming on a girl's face."

And I've had six months

to think about my answer,

and I stand by it.

I...

I'm not proud of it.

I hate myself for thinking it.

It's such a horrible thing

to do to another human.

When a girl's on her

knees and you... It's so...

And as an atheist,

I believe in Darwin and all

the things that he wrote,

but he never had a bit

where he explained that.

There was never a bit in

his book where he went,

"When a caveman loves a cavewoman,

he'll ejaculate on her face

so that flies won't come near."

There was never that...

never that moment.

But, by golly, if it's not fun.

I find it... To...

Look, to all the girls who take a

load on their face from time to time,

may I say, "Bravo!"

Don't...

don't think what you do...

has gone unnoticed.

We notice. We appreciate your work.

I think you deserve a parade of some kind.

During Memorial Day,

after the Vietnam vets,

before the First Gulf War guys,

we could bring in,

"And here's the women who

take a load on their face."

And you could march out,

and married men would stand there

going, "God bless you, ladies."

I enjoy your acting that you do.

The standard tongue out

and the... Like that...

I don't know why, but I enjoy...

I know it's a lie. I

know you're not excited,

but I still appreciate

the effort is what I enjoy.

I love the look because it's such

a, "Oh, jeez, I'm excited, too.

When this come hits my face, there's

a good chance I'll also orgasm.

Anything could happen in this crazy world."

But this is what redeems us as

men. This is what redeems us.

Just know that the second the

come shoots out of our cock

and hits your face,

our bodies flood with remorse.

The next 20 seconds is the

nicest we will ever be to you.

I go from being an animal

to the sweetest guy on Earth.

I'm like, "You f***ing slut...

Oh, I love you. Ah...

Uh, all right. No, no, no.

Put your tongue back in. Um...

Keep your eyes shut. Just keep them shut.

Uh...

All right, I'm going to get

a towel. I'll get a towel.

I'll get you a towel.

All right.

You're a wonderful mother to our child."

See... this is what kills me.

My son will one day watch this DVD.

And I'm the guy who's meant

to teach him right from wrong,

and I'm there wiping come

off his mother's face.

I think I did something illegal

with my son the other day.

I think it might be illegal.

Tell me if this is illegal.

All right?

I'm in the shower.

My girlfriend goes off

to the gym in the morning,

and when she came back,

I was in the shower,

and Hank ran up,

and he started banging on the glass door

of the shower like, "Argh!" Like that.

And I went...

And I saw his little face

and I went, "Hello, Hankie."

And then in the condensation,

I drew a little bowtie on him...

and a little suit...

and then I gave him a

voice bubble that said,

"I love my daddy. Love, Hank."

But I did it so I could read it.

Well, of course he could

read the "K," and...

then I stepped out.

I stepped out of the bathroom and I went,

"G'day, Hankie!"

And he slapped my cock and he ran off.

Now, is that illegal?

I don't know.

Is it illegal because, A,

a child touched my cock,

or because, B, I found it really

funny and I've been telling everyone.

And I can't get angry at him

because his whole life,

he's been lying on mats

with things dangling over.

He's been training for

this his entire life.

I think I've, uh...

I think I've become American,

more American than I am Australian lately,

and there was a moment where I tipped over

where I went, "Oh, I think

like an American person now."

And I'm happy to do it. I just...

I'll tell you what happened.

I was flying around... I was

doing a tour of Australia,

and I was flying

domestically around Australia,

and I'm so used to airports and

stuff here in America that...

Okay, what happens is, when you go...

I was flying Sydney to Melbourne.

When you fly domestically in Australia,

you go up to the machine, put your name in,

prints your ticket out,

it prints your bag thing,

you put the bag thing on your bag yourself,

and then there's a

conveyor belt underneath.

You throw your bag on. Bag fucks off.

You don't speak to anyone.

Then I go up to the gate bit, and

the lady's going, "Tickets, please."

And I'm holding my ID out

like a f***ing simpleton.

'Cause I get through airports quick,

man. I'm like, "F***ing there you go."

And she went, "Put your ID

away. I don't need to see that."

And I went...

"I think you do."

And she went, "I don't... Why

would I need to see your ID?"

And I said, "I might be a terrorist."

And she went, "Would showing me your

ID stop you from blowing the plane up?"

"No, I'd probably still blow the plane up."

So then I get up to the

TSA conveyor belt thing,

and I'm so good at the airports.

I'm already taking my shoes

off as I'm walking, right?

And all the Australians behind

me assume that I'm American,

and they're losing their f***ing sh*t.

They're like, "Oh, for f***'s

sake! One of these c*nts, eh?"

And the TSA guy goes,

"Hey, mate, what are you

taking your shoes off for?"

And I went...

"I don't know!

Maybe they're bombs?"

And he went...

"But they're not, are they?"

I put me shoes back on.

I get my laptop out.

Everyone's going mental.

And the TSA guy says,

very politely, but

extraordinarily sarcastically,

he goes, "Jeez, mate.

That's a nice computer.

Why are you showing it to everyone?"

"It might also be a bomb."

And then the guy said

the most Australian thing I've ever

heard come out of anyone's mouth ever.

He went...

"Oh, come on, mate. You

wouldn't have two bombs."

I'm not even quite sure what that means,

but it does make some type of sense.

All right.

Oscar Pistorius.

If you haven't been following

the case, you're missing out.

This is the greatest

thing since OJ Simpson.

You're f***ing missing out, mate.

If you don't know who Oscar

Pistorius is, let me fill you in.

Oscar Pistorius is a legless

man from South Africa,

known as the Blade Runner.

He ran in two Olympics,

the disabled and the

able-bodied Olympics in one year.

No one has ever done that.

He's an inspiration to

hundreds and millions

of disabled and able-bodied people alike,

and on Valentine's Day last year,

he shot and killed the

hottest girl on Earth...

and that's when he became

an inspiration to me...

'cause hot girls have been getting away

with too much sh*t for too f***ing long.

Let that be a lesson to

all you hot girls out there.

You can't just say

whatever the f*** you want

whenever you f***ing want.

People have feelings, you c*nts.

Now, there's a lot of rumors going

around on what happened on that day.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes