Jim Jefferies: BARE Page #6

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and that job's stripping.

We want to just look at that girl

dancing and have a hand full of money,

and just go...

"You can't take care of your kids."

It's...

And when men get private

dances in these strip clubs,

I don't know...

I don't know if women actually

know what goes on in those rooms,

but basically, it's dry humping.

There's no dancing.

The girl gets in front.

She gets where your cock is,

pushes it to one side

and then she rubs on it...

and then she stands over and

puts her c*nt right in your face,

and you go...

That's what a private "dance" is, right?

I don't know if there's private

dancing in female strip clubs.

I can't imagine that there would be.

I don't imagine a woman

getting out of a back room

and going up to her friend and going...

She goes, "How was it?"

And she goes, "Well...

he just sat me down and then

he grabbed my genitals...

and then he dragged his

scrotum over my forehead.

I got to go to the ATM."

So Legit got canceled.

Yeah.

I know. I know it.

Who would've thought it would've struggled

on that great FXX channel

that everyone knew about?

The first season is on Netflix.

This special is being recorded for Netflix.

So you can go watch it there

if you're watching the special.

It was...

I'm very proud of it.

We had two great seasons

of really good television,

and if people didn't...

Now...

The whole TV show is based

around one standup routine

that I used to do about having

a friend with muscular dystrophy

that I took to a brothel,

which is a true story.

And so, when we cast a character

with muscular dystrophy who...

In the end, we used DJ Qualls,

and DJ Qualls is the skinny white

guy out of the movie Road Trip.

He's the skinny white guy out

of the movie Hustle & Flow,

and he's the white guy out

of the movie Hustle & Flow.

Now...

the great thing about DJ is...

he already looks disabled.

He has that "latter stages

of AIDS" thing going on.

It's great for casting. Anyway, but...

I didn't want DJ to begin with.

I wanted a person with muscular

dystrophy to make it look authentic,

and the Actors' Union of America

said, "You cannot do that."

Because basically the problem is

people with muscular dystrophy, I think,

are only allowed to work for two

hours a day before they get too tired.

And I said, "All right, what

other disabilities and diseases

are allowed to work longer?"

And they sent me a list.

And on this list, I said, "Can you

get rid of all the contagious ones?

And what have we got left?"

So I saw every disabled actor in Hollywood,

and I'll be honest with you,

not that many of them.

I don't know why.

Maybe they're just lazy.

They don't wanna work.

Maybe they give up on

their dreams rather quickly.

And none of them were very good, either.

Everyone we saw, none

of them were very good

'cause acting is all about

what you do with your hands.

None of them knew what to

do with their hands, and...

they all came in.

Until this one guy came in.

I had seen a lot of people that day.

This guy was the most disabled

person I'd ever seen in my life.

He was like...

Think of the most disabled person

you've seen, then double it.

...really super disabled.

He was shaped like a pretzel.

He was being carried in

by this big Russian nurse,

carried him in.

He made that great disabled sound of...

That one.

I just loved him.

Anyway...

so he comes in for the audition...

and I'm sitting there, and

we're doing the lines together,

and at first, I didn't know if

he was mentally all there either,

so I was being a little bit patronizing.

I was going, "Thank you

so much for coming in."

And then we did the dialog together,

and I didn't have to worry about a thing.

This kid was funny. He was

smart. His timing was impeccable.

I thought he was just great,

and I helped him out of the room,

and I come back to the director and I said,

"That's our guy. That's who we gotta pick."

And he agreed,

but we had to see everyone else

who was still in the waiting room.

So the next bloke wheels himself in.

Now, obviously, he's just a

paraplegic if he's wheeling himself in,

which means the waist down,

and that didn't really suit me because...

paraplegics can get themselves

to a hooker without my assistance.

But I thought...

"If he's a good enough actor,

maybe he can quad-up for the role."

So he comes in...

He comes in, I shake his hand,

and his leg slightly

comes out at the same time.

And I went, "Whoa!

What's going on there, kicky?"

And he goes...

"Oh, you got me!

I'm not disabled."

And I said, "You're f***ing what now?"

And he goes, "I'm not disabled.

I just really wanted the role,

so I rented a wheelchair."

And I said, "Just shut up.

So let me... This is how your

day has mapped-out thus far.

You woke up this morning. You drove

to the wheelchair rental place.

You rented a wheelchair.

You carried it out, I assume.

You put it in the trunk of

your car. You drove here.

You got the wheelchair out.

You carried it up three flights of stairs.

You went to the waiting room.

You put it down next to

the severely disabled man

and his nurse.

Then you sat in it and

practiced your lines."

And he went...

"Yeah."

And I said, "You're a

f***ing a**hole, mate.

Get the f*** out of here."

And I kicked him out.

And later on that day, I'm sitting

there with all the headshots

of all the different actors I'm gonna

call to tell them they've got parts,

and I'm holding this

disabled guy's headshot,

and I just think, "I'm

gonna call this guy up.

I'm gonna change his life. This

is an awesome moment, right?"

And I'm looking at it, and he looks

super handsome in his headshot.

He looked really like...

And I thought, "This has gotta

be the greatest photographer

with the fastest shutter

in camera history."

The shutter on his camera

has gotta be like...

Like...

And then I read the guy's biography...

and then it dawned on me.

"This guy's not disabled either!

I hated the other f***er

for renting a wheelchair!

This c*nt rented a nurse!"

Do you wanna know the

level of f***ing psychosis

you have to go through

to rent a f***ing nurse?

I'm all for a method actor.

Get into character three hours before,

but once you finish the audition,

stand up and go, "Ta-da!"

And we would have gone,

"That was very good."

But I'll tell you what you don't do.

Don't make me carry you to your car!

I carried him down three

flights of stairs going,

"You did very good."

He's like, "Thank you, Jim."

I was, uh...

I go to a therapist...

'cause I get depressed.

So I got a therapist every now and again.

I literally had one of those

moments with my therapist

where she was saying words like,

"I'm gonna say a word and you say the

first thing that comes in your mind."

Like just out of the movies, right?

And she went, "Red," and I went, "Blue."

And then she went,

"Cooking," and I went, "Food,"

and all that type of stuff.

We went like this forever.

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