Jim Jefferies: I Swear to God

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Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. Jim Jefferies.

Hey.

How are you doing?

What a nice little start.

My name's Jim,

I'm from Australia,

but I've been living in the UK

for like, the past 7 or 8 years

and now I've moved out to

America, it's a big move for me,

but because

I've moved out to America,

I've had to leave a girl I've

been dating

It's probably for the best

we're heading

in separate directions in our

lives, to come over here

and she wanted to stay back in

England and f*** other men.

Worked out pretty good.

For her.

And me brother.

Oh, yeah.

I bet he really get back to...

in, like, a couple of weeks

for the first time in ages.

And every time I got back there

I always go see my family doctor

'cause this is the doctor

I've had my whole life,

I really trust this guy,

and my doctor in London is sh*t,

he's no good.

Last time I was there

I got a physical checkup,

and he's doing my blood

pressure, to go to Australia

and he's like, "Jim, your blood

pressure's really high, mate,

you're gonna have to go on

medication, you know. "

"I wanna go on medication"

And he went,

"Well, you f***ing have to"

'Cause that's how

doctors in Australia talk,

and then he goes,

"Okay, you two,

go back to London,

get your blood pressure

checked again

but if you get the same readout

or higher you're on medication",

so I go back

to me doctor in London,

get my blood pressure

checked again,

get exactly the same readout

I got in Australia,

and my doctor goes,

"Oh, are you good!"

And I go, "The doctor in the

strayer said that was too high"

And he went "Australians,

with their salads and sport,

"Their standards are too high. "

"By British standards

you're good, so...

I'm in an unhealthy Australian,

but I'm a healthy

British person.

I think if my health

gets worse,

I'm gonna move

to shittier countries

until eventually I'm the

healthiest man in Rwanda.

And there's gotta be

some doctor going

"You've only got HIV,

it's not even AIDS yet. "

Stop your bitchin'

and join the soccer team.

I'm not afraid of dying if I do

get AIDS or something like that,

I don't give a f***.

I hate life.

I've never enjoyed

one moment on this planet.

I don't wanna live forever,

the only people who wanna-

I'm not worried about dying,

because I'm an atheist, right?

Now, acknowledging this is a

Christian country,

and I stand up for your right

to be religious,

but please know

that you're wrong, eh?

Please know-

that you're living

in a fantasy land,

and after you die

nothing happens,

stop being a f***ing child.

I'm not scared of dying

because I'm an atheist,

I know I'll just

rot in the ground, right?

I won't even know I'm dead,

you all know why?

'Cause I'll be f***ing dead.

Religious people worry

because I believe in heaven,

if there's a heaven

there has to be a hell,

and everyone

who's read that book

knows that you've done

enough sh*t to go to hell.

And that makes it very stressful

on your deathbed, doesn't it,

knowing what a prick you are,

you go,

"Aw, this isn't gonna be good".

Right?

I don't wanna go to heaven,

I don't even want

the option of Heaven,

I don't want to exist

in a conscious state

for the rest of eternity

constantly thinking,

I don't even like thinking

as it is,

"Where's me passport?

Can't punch women in the face".

The Bible calls heaven

"eternal bliss",

I don't get how blissful it is,

it's eternal,

you'll get used to it,

and then you'll be

f***ing bored.

And what's hell

meant to be like,

fire and brimstone

and eternal agony.

That's what's written

in the Bible.

That's God's book.

As far as I know,

the devil hasn't

brought out a book.

We don't know his side

of the argument, right?

If you ask me, if the devil

and God are having an argument,

the devil's being

a bigger f***ing man.

'Cause God's just writing sh*t

about him,

and the devil's going,

"I'm not even gonna f***ing

comment,

Let's- Let's think about this

rationally.

Right? Which isn't a good point

for the Christians,

rational thought.

Fire and brimstone

and eternal agony,

that's what hell's meant to be,

that's written in the Bible.

Now, God runs

the entire universe

except for one place

which is run by hell

and the devil,

and now, the devil

is his biggest enemy

and they don't get along

whatsoever, right?

Now, if you act bad

you go to hell, right?

Now, you've lied,

you've cheated, you've stolen,

you've been a prick

your entire life.

Why would the devil punish you?

You're one of his boys.

He's gotta f***ing dig you.

That's where all the hookers

and drugs are gonna be,

I don't think they're gonna

make their way into heaven.

I don't think God's gonna

open the gate and go,

"Jimmy, you've been

such a good guy,

see this big-titted whore

with the line of coke on her?"

"Knock yourself out, son. "

What's meant to happen

when you die and go to heaven,

you see a big bright light,

you walk towards the light.

What's at the end of the light?

All your dead relatives.

Well, whoop-dee-f***in-doo.

You ever spent a weekend

at your grandparents' house?

It's f***ing sh*t.

If you're out there for an hour

you'll go,

"I wish that all me friends

would die. "

You'll be out there meeting

everybody,

"Hi, Aunt Neda.

How are you, Granddad?"

"Hello, Uncle

You-used-to-touch-me".

"How did you get up here?"

"Oh, that's right, you used to

work for the Church. "

You hear that little groan

when I said that,

"You work for the Church"?

It's because religious people

are in the crowd,

and they don't like

hearing facts.

That's a fact,

there's been pedophiles

f***ing fact.

But all they're saying is like,

Because religious people

will forgive God

In their mind

he does good things,

rainbows, children's laughter,

sh*t like that, right?

When he does bad things

like hurricanes, AIDS,

cancer, child molestation,

then they just go,

"Oh, well. God works

in mysterious ways. "

What sort of an excuse is that?

What- What is-

What is mysterious

That is like,

the least mysterious activity

since the dawn of time.

If- If I ever date

a religious girl

she's gonna come home and

I'm gonna be raping her mom.

Right?

And she's gonna look at me

and go, "What are you doing?"

And I'm gonna go,

"I'm mysterious. "

"I've always been mysterious. "

See, religious people

are just f***ing stupid.

There's how the world was

created which everyone,

and that's the big bang theory,

and then evolution kicked in

and there's little

microorganisms, then a tadpole,

that tadpole learned how to walk

or something,

and then there were

some animals in between,

and then f***ing monkeys,

and then us.

And that's science.

Then there's how religious

people believe we was created

They believe that God put

two white people in the jungle

without sunscreen,

and they f***ed,

and there we go, people.

There we go, black people,

Arab people, oriental people,

and for the amount of inbreeding

very few retards.

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