Jim Jefferies: I Swear to God Page #2

---

It seems so plausible!

See, the fact is that

there's evolution in the Bible.

Right? Jesus was 4'7".

Four foot seven.

He was a normal-sized guy,

everyone was short back then.

We're all taller now

because of evolution.

That's how Jesus could

feed the people with two fish,

little f***ing people,

big f***ing fish.

So this is Jesus here, right?

He's a little tiny Arab Jew.

He looks like Super Mario.

Now,

if Jesus is this big,

that means his cross was maybe,

maybe that big.

Now, I'm not saying

I'm better than Jesus.

But if I was

on that little cross

my feet would be on the ground

and I'd f***ing live.

So what killed Jesus could not

kill me, I'm way more powerful.

Not only would I leave,

but I would lift the cross

out of the ground

and beat up all the little

Roman bastards.

And History would be

very different.

Thousands of years before Jesus

there was a guy called Noah.

And Noah built a boat

and Noah lived to be

950 years old.

But I'd never mention that

in sermons,

'cause we might think

its bullshit.

And Noah was thousands of years

before Jesus

so Noah was about this big.

There's little Noah

with his long hair

and his gray big beard.

He looks like

a glorified chess piece.

And he built a boat,

and they put all the animals

in the boat.

And we had two of each animal,

and he lived in, like,

Afghanistan,

back when it was

a god-loving place.

And all the animals came

and they all

swam there and sh*t,

they all mated there like a

week.

All the kangaroos and all that

type of stuff.

Then he worked out some type of

refrigeration system

to keep the polar bears cold

and the lions hot,

and he made the door

on the ark very small

so the dinosaurs couldn't get in

'cause he was a thinker.

Then he had storage areas

for all their delicate diets

'cause we all know what picky,

f***ing eaters pandas are.

Aren't pandas a bunch of c*nts.

I'm done with pandas.

I'll tell you why,

every f***ing living creature

loves pandas.

The panda doesn't have

a natural predator on the planet

and they're dying out

because they're f***ing d*cks.

F***'em. Let'em die out.

The pandas don't f*** each

other, they don't have babies,

therefore we've got

no f***ing pandas,

they're dead, why,

let's lose the f***ing pandas.

We've tried.

We have f***ing tried.

We at the Human Rights

put pandas in cages together,

and try to help them f***.

We go,

"there's a panda. "

"Go f*** the panda. "

And they just look

at each other.

You put me in a cage

with anything,

anything,

and after a week I'll f*** it.

You'd think pandas

know the Chinese

that's all I'm gonna say

about Christianity.

To be honest with you, it's just

a glorified panda joke.

It's how comedy works, right?

You start with a funny bit,

you work backwards,

so I start panda, and I go

all the way back to small Jesus,

very logical.

But I know I'm in America,

and all you people love God,

and all that, eh?

So let's pick out a few more

religions and make it fair.

All right?

Jews.

What's all that about?

What's with the curly sideburns?

Where in the Bible does it say,

"If thou loves me,

thou shall look lie a dick?"

Next religion.

Isn't Buddha a fat bastard?

That's all I've got on Buddha.

One more.

Muslims.

Can you feel that?

Can you f***ing feel that?

One word,

one f***ing word,

and all your a**holes

shrunk up and went...

Oh, make it good, Australia,

man. Don't f*** this up.

'Cause you think when I say

Muslims I'm about to be racist,

don't ya?

I'm not racist, I'm a bigot.

It's completely different.

And being Muslim isn't a race.

I'm not talking about

Arab people,

I have no problems

with Arab people,

I like to eat food

late at night.

I'm talking about Muslims.

I'm not talking about

terrorists,

every comic who has a Muslim

joke does a terrorist joke.

Obviously most of them

aren't terrorists,

I'm talking about the things

that we know, and sh*t,

the fact that women have very

few rights in their culture.

Now, it sounds good in theory,

but-

In our society

it should be frowned upon.

I don't think I could be

a Muslim

because they can't eat bacon

or drink beer.

And they're the two greatest

f***ing things in the world.

You take bacon and beer

away from me

and I'll fly a plane

into a f***ing building.

I love drinking.

I hate people who don't drink.

Never met an interesting person

in my life who didn't drink.

If you don't drink

you're a boring c*nt

and all your story sucks.

All your stories

end the same way with

"And then I got home. "

No one gives a sh*t that you've

been promoted at work,

and no one gives a f*** that

your kids don't have bruises.

Ever asked a non-drinker

why they don't drink?

Same f***ing answer every time,

you go, "Why don't you drink?"

They go, "I don't like

the taste of it. "

Nobody does!

No one likes the taste of it,

we drink 'cause we

f***ing have to.

No one's ever had

a shot of tequila and gone,

"Oooh, that's lovely!"

"Next time I'll have that

instead of pudding.

We drink 'cause life's sh*t.

And you gotta do

whatever you can

I- I honestly didn't mean

to time it like that.

That's like a magic trick,

ain't it?

I've decided I'm gonna

punch people in the head

if they say the next sentence.

I encourage you to do the same

because they think they're

better than you.

Anyone who says the sentence:

"I don't need to drink

or take drugs

to have a good time,

I'm high on life. "

Punch that c*nt in the head

till your hand breaks.

Really...

Well, I'm, angry on alcohol.

Now drive me home.

Smoking's a weird one, man.

Smoking's like...

I appreciate with smoking that

you can't smoke indoors anymore.

I think that's the right law.

I think if people

are working there

I think it's fair enough.

And it's the same law

all across the world.

But in Australia now,

But you can't smoke

in front of a hooker.

'Cause this might be

detrimental to her health.

Is this really the worst thing

that's happening

to this woman's body

on a day-to-day basis?

If you pay her enough money

you can bone her.

I'm not saying pour petrol

on her and light her up,

I'm saying,

let people know you were there.

Now, while I'm on the subject

of burn victims,

I wouldn't wish it

upon my worst enemy,

it's an awful thing

to happen to anyone,

but I do laugh whenever

there's like, a house fire

or a car accident,

or something like that,

and someone gets

really badly burned,

and the news read'll be like,

"They're alive,

but they have been burned

"Burned beyond recognition. "

You ever seen a burn victim?

Most recognizable person

in a room.

The term should be,

"Burned to recognition. "

This is my mate Steve, no one

used to notice him at parties.

Since the accident,

you go,

he's gone from plain

to extra crispy.

But back to smoking.

Why do we still have

no-smoking signs out?

That makes no sense,

we used to have to have

no-smoking signs.

We used to have to know where

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes